Witnessing acceptance and moving on

Date & Time: 15th July 2012 6.54am Sunday
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Akcent - My Passion
Mood: Sincerely in remorse

We are going through life in our own different ways as how our Creator decides and plans for us. We have no power to know what is going to happen next. Be it in the next few years or even in the next mere second. Right now, i am sitting here deciding to write in but who knows what will happen in the minutes and hours later. A while ago, i was in sujud to our Creator, crying so much in sincere seeking forgiveness. 


I am a woman on a mission. I have no specific day when i am gonna start. I do not even know why i have to sit down to think about it so much. But one thing i know for sure. That, the day will eventually come. If God wills it. I am getting more and more serious into this. Although some days i get struck with something, threw me off my game, get myself derailed and gone astray, I still want to come back and there is no stopping me on this. Not anything, not anyone.


Some people say changes are good, whilst some will say that it is bad. It all depends i guess. On how all of us are willing to embrace the idea, handle the causes, put it to work or just simply smile and face them. I would say, this change i am going to make to my life, i just want it to be blessed. Hoping that it will soon make me a better Muslimah. 


Actually, the whole story behind this blog entry is me expressing my deep thoughts about a few aspects of my life. I am learning more about acceptance and moving on. This is my mission. 


Many things are happening to me at the moment that has been keeping me weeping inside my heart. I would be back here in my room, lock myself in here, sitting by my bedside in deep thoughts and all it does is bring me on a chronological drive by from my childhood days to the moment i was at. See, i am the lonely kid since young. Although i would be grateful for the times i got myself into a lot of trouble only for the lessons i learnt and that it somehow toughen me up inside. But we can never run away from our challenges we are set to face in our lives. I have learnt that when we are faced with our set challenges, we could either run towards it and face it head on or we could move slowly and work our way around it till we find the solutions.


So here it is...my acceptance....in a list...
1) I am going to try to accept that M will never stop hurting me. Deceit, condescension, betrayal, ignorance, tactlessness and lame excuses...kept bringing out my worst side of me that i have had buried years ago...my monstrosity i had for many years of living in domestic violence, a bad neighbourhood and harassments...So with that said... i am going to move on...
2) As much as the history goes between me and W. i am going to try to accept that W is never going to love me like how i did him...i can never be good enough for him...With that said....i am going to move on...
3) Allah is Great. He stopped me from telling A that i might have liked him and feelings have grown throughout since we became friends back at City Alive 2010. For that, i am thankful. I could be making a huge mistake of humiliating myself and hurting someone he has in his life if i was ever able to tell him how i feel. I accept that A now has someone else by his side. So with that said....i am going to move on....
4) My brother cleared up all the stuff in the store room last night. Saw boxes filled with someone related. They are now sitting in my room, waiting to be unpacked and let go of. She will come back when Allah wills it. With that said, I will continue to move on.
5) 6th June 2005 was when she came into my life...she was gone from my grasp on 7th June 2005...every year on the same two days of my life, i will feel all mellow, weepy and solemn. She will come back to find me when Allah wills for us to meet....With that said, i will continue to move on...
6) H has been the best guy i had ever known in my life...Fate did not allow us to stay together...I am just grateful for the moments i had with H...with that said...i will continue to move on....
7) I had my 1st job when i was 12.. Waiting for PSLE results and Secondary school results and the many years of my family being in financial instability driven me to be so early at age to work...I have engaged myself in many different industries and line of work...I have many dreams...but i have one absolute passion.. creativity and design...although i have never gotten the chance to land myself a job linking anywhere and anyway in my passion, i have accepted and letting Allah decide me on this one...He brings about my rizqi...so wherever my rizqi is set for me, i will never stop going on with my passion....so i accept whatever decent job i get that will be good for me and move on.....


I am going to accept whatever setbacks that has happened or have yet to happen...I pray Allah provides me with ample strength to keep my Iman in check and i am going to try to move on and i will move on....


There are always more to life than just Dunya...and i am going to make changes not to corrupt myself...i want to make changes for value...and i know i cannot change how people see or feel about me....because every minute and every second...changes happen..to things, to people...people change when we are not looking...so who is to know all these things..only Allah...so with all that...i am accepting and moving on....


~Shahida~