Sunday, January 6, 2013

Witnessing my existence

Date & Time: 7th January 2013, Monday, 12.59am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Dishwalla - Angels or Devils
Mood: Defeated

I've been putting off writing for a while now.....I don't know why....Just do....Many times i wanted to...i just didn't know what to write about....Lately...there are many things happening...Just didn't know how to report about them....Fear, worry, confusion....my mind is filled with so many things..but yet my heart feels empty....and perhaps broken and scarred in so many ways one could imagine.....

The timeline of my life....me hitting rock bottom....has carved its way more than me floating in blissfulness.....I question my existence sometimes....i guess i'm not supposed to.....Just be here....Words i've always told the many people who has come into and left my life....Most times...no matter what happens...

Don't get me wrong....i'm not writing this down to keep score....but just putting it out there....to tell myself where i actually stand....and where do i stand....? Amidst everyone....but alone....So what does it mean? 

I've been in my room since Friday after i came back from dinner....and since then...no one messaged or called me to ask me if i was okay....or just to say hello....being by myself...was nothing new to me....i've always been able to be by myself most times....and i didn't mind....we start in this world alone....and when we leave...it won't be any different.....Just saying...while we're all still here....does it hurt to say things we wish to say to each other?

My mission...has started since i was young...i couldn't put an exact age to it....but it has been since i was able to think for myself.....i have slipped....fallen...mentally died....skinned my knee...used....betrayed....heartbroken...etc etc....along the way....but my one mission still hasn't been complete....i vow to carry it and continue till my last breath...As long as my Creator sets my life in this world and until He takes it away.....

I like to daydream alot....though no one really notices....i daydream of simple things...major things...weird things....daydreaming to simply about me sitting in my spot at the park to eating fondue with a dream guy....sometimes i daydream about memories....about how i could have done things differently....but i would never forget reality.....it's just one of my many ways to stand up and go through my days....

I'm not those u can call a quitter....sometimes yes...i do give up on things or people....but as it always have....as long as there's still no ultimatum to the situation...i will still be here....waiting...and i'm not talking about the classic Richard Marx ballad from the late 80s.....what i mean is.....i will be here waiting...for something to happen...some kind of faith? i'm not sure....maybe...its habit...or just my style.....

In the two days i've been at home....coming out of my room only to talk to my parents and brother for a while and just getting food from the kitchen....i've been watching tv shows and sitcoms i could find online....a lot things in my mind i wanted to get done....random stuff...but comes with a lot of courage and a bit of emotion to do.....but i didn't....i couldn't...i think....i'm still not sure....i wanted to msg Ar.....to apologise...but i didn't...i think it was kind of redundant...now that he's not speaking to me i think was coz either his head has got too big or he got pissed when he called me at work to ask me for sales favours for his new job....i wanted to called Ad.....to also apologise...for blowing him off on Friday evening...for not wanting to go out with him....i just don't do last minutes....not my style...but he did try...just wrong timing...i didn't really wanna be around him much anymore....he's tasting his own medicine...he brought most of this on himself....when i was still the person who didn't give up on him before....he's coming to me now...it's already kinda late for all that....

My phone was silent...except for my two best friends, my brother and mum....as usual....and i'm grateful....the people i need....i love them with all my heart....

As for my friends and acquaintances...they're just around....and the only times they bothered to acknowledge my existence is when they have problems or need something....i am not sure what their actual intentions are though...just reporting what i know....of course i don't know everything....but i say things as it is.....one thing...i wish and pray they're all fine....i'm not asking them to miss me or anything....i bet some will think i'm into them or something...but i think what's fair is to say...i'm just concerned...don't know why....just do....if they decide to leave....i hope they would consider to acknowledge my existence one last time and say goodbye...it'll be a hard thing to swallow...but i know that's just how it works....People will leave....one way or another.....

The other day.....i was called names and said to be hated by Ad.....he says also that i have this problem...that he noticed i have this anger with men.....he's not all wrong....but i wouldn't use the word anger...however.... this is my explanation....i'm not a sexist...or anti-men....or seeking out revenge....but most guys i've known since young....has done nothing but hurt me badly...has betrayed me...lied to me..cheated on me....ruined my life....dumped me...discriminated against me.....used me....left me for dead...took away precious amounts of things from me....and many many other depressing things....i'm just saying...i'm hard on them....coz i know...they don't think i deserve to be happy....i know they think i'm not up to standard....like S...he's over his head...he thinks i have feelings for him....he's one of those who ever told me he wouldn't look at me as a person he wants to be with becoz of my past....he constantly kept saying 'Thank you my friend..' 'You are my friend...' etc etc....emphasizing on the word 'friend'....if i am really your friend S...then just be my friend...act like one....J...he's pulling all his strings to see if i am on to him...but i didn't really react...he may be picking up on signals from me...but wasn't in my intentions...one thing i can say is...when i care..i show...when i don't....well...too bad....they think they can put me at my place...but what they don't know is that..i'm just taking care of myself when i can and when i'm supposed to....why would i be on to people who couldn't care less if i am in their lives or not...and that what i do or did which makes me human bothered them so much......

I've thought about things...much....i've decided on saying goodbye to some people...here's what i plan to do....tell them how i feel about them....apologise...and accept their last words to me....and leave....i think that would be the best thing to do for everyone...i am really sorry for everything...if Allah lets us all cross paths again one day...so be it....i'm not an unfriendly person...when i see a face i know...i'm sure to acknowledge them if the situation permits...

Again...i'm not seeking out revenge...if i was....then i must be living a past....i'm not that person anymore...i know that very well about myself....i learnt throughout my bad experiences that there is a greater power....greater is an understatement....correction...there is a Great Power....the only One who sees all things and has records of what's happening....i don't have to step up to do vengeful things to other people...coz then...i'll just be like them...we reap what we sow...that phrase is true....same rule applies to me...if i do exactly what they do to me....then i'll have to face the Great Power...and that i fear.....

What i'll do is to continue....with my life....i'll continue to pray...daydream and wish for things i want to achieve....i want to catch my blissful moment once again...be it here...or be it some place else....i'll continue to pray...that as long as i live...to also seek knowledge wherever it is....to get a Diploma...maybe teach some...i know i am a slow learner...but i don't quit easily.....i will continue to daydream about having a simple   yet elegant wedding...a good marriage with a good husband who will the most kindest...loving...caring...intelligent...physically and mentally compatible person for me...as how i will for him....he will always believe in me...trust me...love me..kind to me...support and encourage me...share secrets and interests with me...go through struggles and hurdles together...be my everything....have wonderful children who will create and begin a good generation in my family tree....i will continue to wish for enough blessings from Almighty God....and one day....travel to the places i wanted to go and one in particular to perform my duty as a Muslim....and make beautiful memories....

Before i leave the face of the earth...i really pray Allah will keep me in the Straight path as much as possible...and enough for me to be in his Hereafter....i will keep on doing what i do...in hopes of doing better till my last breath.....InsyaAllah.....

~SHAHIDA~

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Witnessing hard heartedness

Date & Time: 10th December 2012, Monday 2.41am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Ariel - Someone Like You (Adele Cover)
Mood: Numb

Have i become so hard hearted that i myself didn't even notice what i am doing? I haven't cried..for quite a long time since the last tear dropped....Last yr, on this very date....i was crying out of remorse...and for someone who i believe has nvr has any feelings for me....He was just using me....and it had hurt me a lot...and i found myself turning back to Allah...the Greatest power that could turn all sadness into smiles...and also the other way around...i had no one....my family didn't know much about my personal life...my bestfriends....they were there....but only to provide comfort...but not salvation....i needed to change...and so i did...i attempted...and this yr...i think i only manage to change only a fraction of myself....i could tell myself something as comforting as 'Well, at least you tried' but....another part of me still feels that it wasn't enough....

I'm not saying that i don't believe that Allah is the Greatest power....i just feel that it would be nice...to have a saviour in human form...so i can at least feel that i am somewhere right....somewhere i'm supposed to be...i just feel that it would be nice...that from time to time...when i'm lost...or when i feel that i'm lost...someone would come and take my hand....and bring me back to where i'm supposed to be....but....everywhere i turned...all i see...are walls....closing in on me....

I tried....to act like nothing is hurting me...but....honestly...alot is hurting me....i'm trying my best to let things go....and move on...but whenever i try....i dunno where i am supposed to go and move on....i'm numb....

Today....that someone who keep saying that he wants to be with me...and always giving me a hard time to trust him...is doing one of his usual scheming....why....? why do he always resort to hurting me in those ways....? and...what am i supposed to do about it all? 

I wish...i have all the answers to these questions....but somehow...in the process....of becoming so hard hearted has made me not wanna be bothered to ask anymore....and the most frustrating thing is that....when i see it....the things he do just to hurt me....it made my stomach turn....it made me feel sick.....

A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind...i thought that when i am so intoxicated with medication because i am still recovering from this common cold i had in the past week would make me stop thinking and put my mind at ease...at least for awhile...it doesn't.....i feel more like a failure...in everything...i thought..."hey....let's go seize the day...' but i couldnt build the courage..to do the things i thought of that would level me up to seizing the day....

i did...wanted to reveal feelings to few people i know....feelings i kept so secured inside....i think i've moved on from Ar....but i can't seem to move on from the feelings i kept of W....and Ad....what's that all about.... ? i keep running all the facts i have....am i trying to create reasons to walk away from him...or am i just not seeing things right.....? its not like we are anything...or that i have any kind of special relationships with them....its just....i think something is throwing off me the rails...and its frustrating me that i can't move to do anything better for myself in any of it.....

Don't get me wrong.....i am not desperate to be united with just anyone in marriage....its just that...i am on a mission...although sometimes i admit...i backslided....but i don't think it is wrong for me to wait for that one person who understands where i'm coming from and that i am on an important mission...a mission to be closer to Allah....i'm not asking for a pious Ustaz or Imam.....just someone....who is willing enough to walk this journey with me...and that he understands how important it is to me and that it is also something important to him....Ya Allah....help me....i really really need you....if there's a chance for me to be with that person....i hope...he stop hiding already.....

I am sorry for everything....

~SHAHIDA~

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Date & Time: 12th November 2012, Monday 1.38am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: Lonely

I am feeling lonelier than ever....i have so limited friends at the moment...my social life is shrinking....i'm not angry...i'm just frustrated....i have never had any problems making friends anywhere i go...from young....but now....everything's different....just different....=(

Monday, November 5, 2012

Witnessing explanations

Date & Time: 6th November 2012 (Tuesday) 2am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Wali Band - Ya Allah
Mood: Sad

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.....


It has been a while since my last post..A lot has happened since then....Plenty....but i guess i'll just write about recent events which actually brought me back here....writing about things sometimes feels better than talking to anyone....i have been feeling down lately....not of a particular reason...but for so many reasons....i may seem to be ungrateful to some who likes to judge based on just the mere things they see or hear...Well, here's something for ya judgemental minds out there..i don't owe anyone any explanations to how i do things...or run my life....thank you very much and please know that it is really none of your business....If u wud want to sincerely provide me advice, perspective or help....please do...and know that i am grateful and i appreciate every bit of it....


Ever since Sunday....i have been feeling sad throughout...words that was said to me....pierced me much into my heart....but i didnt want to get defensive...Allah knows best....the words that were presented might come out harsh...but i may not know how they were intended considering i felt pain inside after they were being said to me...that i might have perceived them wrongly for myself in my own knowledge....but i thought it might be better for me to just portray my defense here instead as no one really reads this page of mine....


But first, let me just make it clear that i do not intend to hurt anyone or offend anyone with whatever i write in here....its just self expression and self reflection that always brings me to writing in this sad looking blog of mine...

Sometimes i say the words 'I don't know' or 'Sorry' too many times in my conversations because i am afraid that i would hurt others with my words....growing up....i was raised in harsh ways and called to with harsh terms....somehow....it has lived with me much and some didnt outgrow me at all....so...forgive me for that..


I am feeling so much guilt of something i feel that i may not have done enough or i may have done too much or i may not have done anything about.....i care about him...afterall, he is the only one left....my other sibling has gone far away from us....but i never forget her, even though we are of different faiths now....Anyways,,,back to the matter at hand....i really wanna help him get back on his feet and help him find his way in life...InsyaAllah...but he is his own person...i did what i could do...as much as i could do...i passed him advices...perspectives...information....softness...care....and a lot more.....and know this...i may be slow to respond or execute things...but i dun give up easily....Allah please don't wear me out on strength and patience....but...one also should know....we can't help a person who doesnt want to be helped....May Allah guide him and show him the way...he will always be in my prayers...InsyaAllah....Ya Rabb, please take care of him....


Ya Allah....i seek your forgiveness.....


Recently, i told myself...i am on a mission....next year....many things will be different...truthfully...i am almost there on the first phase....i have also told myself to not look back and live in the past....but only to reflect on them so that i can move forward...InsyaAllah....but in the process...i may have lost many things...and people in my life....as much as i appreciate and am grateful to know them....if there is a need for us to go on our separate ways...let it be so....Ya Allah, it is not in my intentions to severe relationships...just to give space for we are different in many ways...


Many of my friends may know me well enough...but for some....they may not....i am not going to explain myself anymore...Not in the basis of arrogance...but i believe...if the truth is supposed to be out...it will be...i am thinking of closing down my facebook account as it doesnt serve me much purpose as much as it only gave me reasons for others to doubt me..and judge me...and i drown in fitnahs..Astaghfirullah....

Well...for now...i will just say this...i might provide some answers to the questions that i might not be able to hear.....i am my own person....still am...i do not intend to marry yet..as i am still looking for someone suitable for me...Yes i did consider M the last time i thought....but not anymore...as the last disappointed didnt bring me back to care towards him than just a mere distant relative....i do not feel that it is right to cut off ties with anyone just cause....many would perceive this act to be hypocritical...but i do not see the error in this....


Ya Rabb....grant me someone with the characteristics of which will suit me well....and that i will also be the same to him...InsyaAllah....There are many out there...but....so many times i got burned...i have come to redha in this matter....as i believe in....كُن فَيَكُونُ Kun Faya Kun....Allah knows while i know not.....Amin....



Sunday, July 22, 2012

Witnessing injustice

Date & Time: 23rd July 2012 (Monday) 1.18am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: In need of a lot of support and help


First things first...i am thinking of taking down the last two post i posted....why? Well, everytime i read them both again...it made me feel like i am stooping down low to doing the exact same thing that was done to me....except that i don't expose them to be read in my facebook and humiliate anyone like it did me....here...nobody actually reads it...and nobody here knows whoever in my life personally....so...no humiliation here...just truths...with no names...


Recently...alot has been happening...and the more i put my hands and feet out to handle the problem...the more i get 'attacked'....and the best thing is...these people who have been out to get me...don't just played 'dirty'....some of them are actually people i cared about....truly...


It's painful and disappointing...that someone who actually say they care about me and love me...is not the one who is defending me....he's actually the one who allowed me to be shamed and humiliated quite publicly online...and he actually participated in most of these agendas...and when i confront him about it....he says something like 'You're crazy....ur just not right in your brain....have u taken ur meds yet? maybe u need to go to a mental hospital and get ur head checked....' Someone u cared about...betrayed u like that....its painful...literally painful....


That's the best he cud come up with so he won't look bad...so he still look like the 'angel' in front of his frens....his frens who wouldn't stop sticking their noses into other ppl's business....and somehow that 'front' was not all truthful too...now i don't only look like a monster to them...but i now look also like a crazy, demented person....all because.....yeap...get this...all because....i reacted....

i believe...Allah sees everything that we do...and i thought that the most mature thing to settle problems are to talk about them and come down to an understanding....instead....i believe...this matter...is being dragged out and thrown off and blown ridiculously out of proportion....i tried everything...i tried biting my lip and gritting my teeth...i tried keeping quiet and still....i tried talking about it...i cried while trying to come up with a solution with the person too...although i find it very embarrassing and i hate it when people make me cry...but i was really hurt and betrayed....dats y cried...it was genuine...i dun believe in crocodile tears just to get my way or to shut anybody up....but none of these helped...biting my lip and gritting my teeth just drove me up the wall...becos it's not the right thing to do...keeping quiet and still...made them believe i was being moody and they hated my face...talking about it seems so much like talking to the wall....so...u tell me...


I am seeking Allah's guidance in this because...it has been going on for days...and the more i try not to let wat they say get to me....it is slowly getting to me....i am trying to be patient about things....but it is driving me into emotional turmoil....which brings me to this qns....is he and his frens deliberately throwing me off the edge...because that's what they really want to do in the 1st place? So that i'll be out of the picture...and that they can go and find someone else for him...someone they'll approve? or it is something that he wants to do but doesn't want to do it myself? so like again....wat is going on here, right? 


I dunno what else to say....all i can say is...i blame myself...this yr...looks to me as no different than last yr....Last yr...i let two guys come into my life and mess things up for me...i lost my job on the very same time...and everything else came crushing down on me and i was left out there crying and hurt....this yr....it is him....i let him in....at one point while i was thinking of my next step....i wish i had walk out of it when i didnt care so much about him like i do now....now...he's just playing with my head...and my feelings...like i'm nothing....like i'm rubbish..and the best thing about it is...he's letting other people..who barely even know me....to join in....


Do i deserve it? I don't think so....maybe i did say or do stuff differently from those people...and they don't agree with those things....dat's fine...but this....humiliation and misery....that's too much....a bunch of people against me....one person... u do the math...


Like someone i know would say...if it's a battlefield...you put one bull...and a lot of men to fight it all at once..for sure the bull will die....I'm just paraphrasing...Just something to think about...


Right now...i have to make a decision...more of me is telling me to walk out now...even though it has come down to the stage that i care about him enough to want to fight for this....but if i'm gonna be standing there alone....it'll sure will kill me and for sure he won't be there to fight with me...he's gonna be there to fight against me....i am trying my very best to let go....even if it's the hardest thing to do at the moment...but what other options do i have right now? It hurts so bad...my heart sink to the very bottom of my stomach everytime i see a nasty comment from any of his frens or something he said that says he wants to find somebody else....all in his facebook....all visible comments that i could see on mine...he didnt just stop there...he post it up on watsapp even...i dunno about u guys...but too much i think....its plain cold and cruel...it sure feels like so....it made me feel so sick in my stomach like i'm going to faint any minute....


I'm not asking for sympathy on any of this...i am a firm believer of truths and trying to do the right things at most times of our lives...all i'm asking is for some justice...that's all....


~Shahida~

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Witnessing brokenness

Date & Time: 16th July 2012 12.36am Monday
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Fall Out Boy - The (Shipped) Gold Standard
Mood: Hurt


Once again, i got myself hurt...Bit my lip and held back my tongue...one thing kept running in my mind....i don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't care at all about me...It's sad....but i'm sure Allah knows what's best for me...i'm only holding on for everyone who actually cared about us....but when September comes...i'm making my own decision...i hope one day....u will realise...this game u played...no one wants to play with u anymore....


~Shahida~

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Witnessing acceptance and moving on

Date & Time: 15th July 2012 6.54am Sunday
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Akcent - My Passion
Mood: Sincerely in remorse

We are going through life in our own different ways as how our Creator decides and plans for us. We have no power to know what is going to happen next. Be it in the next few years or even in the next mere second. Right now, i am sitting here deciding to write in but who knows what will happen in the minutes and hours later. A while ago, i was in sujud to our Creator, crying so much in sincere seeking forgiveness. 


I am a woman on a mission. I have no specific day when i am gonna start. I do not even know why i have to sit down to think about it so much. But one thing i know for sure. That, the day will eventually come. If God wills it. I am getting more and more serious into this. Although some days i get struck with something, threw me off my game, get myself derailed and gone astray, I still want to come back and there is no stopping me on this. Not anything, not anyone.


Some people say changes are good, whilst some will say that it is bad. It all depends i guess. On how all of us are willing to embrace the idea, handle the causes, put it to work or just simply smile and face them. I would say, this change i am going to make to my life, i just want it to be blessed. Hoping that it will soon make me a better Muslimah. 


Actually, the whole story behind this blog entry is me expressing my deep thoughts about a few aspects of my life. I am learning more about acceptance and moving on. This is my mission. 


Many things are happening to me at the moment that has been keeping me weeping inside my heart. I would be back here in my room, lock myself in here, sitting by my bedside in deep thoughts and all it does is bring me on a chronological drive by from my childhood days to the moment i was at. See, i am the lonely kid since young. Although i would be grateful for the times i got myself into a lot of trouble only for the lessons i learnt and that it somehow toughen me up inside. But we can never run away from our challenges we are set to face in our lives. I have learnt that when we are faced with our set challenges, we could either run towards it and face it head on or we could move slowly and work our way around it till we find the solutions.


So here it is...my acceptance....in a list...
1) I am going to try to accept that M will never stop hurting me. Deceit, condescension, betrayal, ignorance, tactlessness and lame excuses...kept bringing out my worst side of me that i have had buried years ago...my monstrosity i had for many years of living in domestic violence, a bad neighbourhood and harassments...So with that said... i am going to move on...
2) As much as the history goes between me and W. i am going to try to accept that W is never going to love me like how i did him...i can never be good enough for him...With that said....i am going to move on...
3) Allah is Great. He stopped me from telling A that i might have liked him and feelings have grown throughout since we became friends back at City Alive 2010. For that, i am thankful. I could be making a huge mistake of humiliating myself and hurting someone he has in his life if i was ever able to tell him how i feel. I accept that A now has someone else by his side. So with that said....i am going to move on....
4) My brother cleared up all the stuff in the store room last night. Saw boxes filled with someone related. They are now sitting in my room, waiting to be unpacked and let go of. She will come back when Allah wills it. With that said, I will continue to move on.
5) 6th June 2005 was when she came into my life...she was gone from my grasp on 7th June 2005...every year on the same two days of my life, i will feel all mellow, weepy and solemn. She will come back to find me when Allah wills for us to meet....With that said, i will continue to move on...
6) H has been the best guy i had ever known in my life...Fate did not allow us to stay together...I am just grateful for the moments i had with H...with that said...i will continue to move on....
7) I had my 1st job when i was 12.. Waiting for PSLE results and Secondary school results and the many years of my family being in financial instability driven me to be so early at age to work...I have engaged myself in many different industries and line of work...I have many dreams...but i have one absolute passion.. creativity and design...although i have never gotten the chance to land myself a job linking anywhere and anyway in my passion, i have accepted and letting Allah decide me on this one...He brings about my rizqi...so wherever my rizqi is set for me, i will never stop going on with my passion....so i accept whatever decent job i get that will be good for me and move on.....


I am going to accept whatever setbacks that has happened or have yet to happen...I pray Allah provides me with ample strength to keep my Iman in check and i am going to try to move on and i will move on....


There are always more to life than just Dunya...and i am going to make changes not to corrupt myself...i want to make changes for value...and i know i cannot change how people see or feel about me....because every minute and every second...changes happen..to things, to people...people change when we are not looking...so who is to know all these things..only Allah...so with all that...i am accepting and moving on....


~Shahida~