Witnessing injustice

Date & Time: 23rd July 2012 (Monday) 1.18am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: In need of a lot of support and help


First things first...i am thinking of taking down the last two post i posted....why? Well, everytime i read them both again...it made me feel like i am stooping down low to doing the exact same thing that was done to me....except that i don't expose them to be read in my facebook and humiliate anyone like it did me....here...nobody actually reads it...and nobody here knows whoever in my life personally....so...no humiliation here...just truths...with no names...


Recently...alot has been happening...and the more i put my hands and feet out to handle the problem...the more i get 'attacked'....and the best thing is...these people who have been out to get me...don't just played 'dirty'....some of them are actually people i cared about....truly...


It's painful and disappointing...that someone who actually say they care about me and love me...is not the one who is defending me....he's actually the one who allowed me to be shamed and humiliated quite publicly online...and he actually participated in most of these agendas...and when i confront him about it....he says something like 'You're crazy....ur just not right in your brain....have u taken ur meds yet? maybe u need to go to a mental hospital and get ur head checked....' Someone u cared about...betrayed u like that....its painful...literally painful....


That's the best he cud come up with so he won't look bad...so he still look like the 'angel' in front of his frens....his frens who wouldn't stop sticking their noses into other ppl's business....and somehow that 'front' was not all truthful too...now i don't only look like a monster to them...but i now look also like a crazy, demented person....all because.....yeap...get this...all because....i reacted....

i believe...Allah sees everything that we do...and i thought that the most mature thing to settle problems are to talk about them and come down to an understanding....instead....i believe...this matter...is being dragged out and thrown off and blown ridiculously out of proportion....i tried everything...i tried biting my lip and gritting my teeth...i tried keeping quiet and still....i tried talking about it...i cried while trying to come up with a solution with the person too...although i find it very embarrassing and i hate it when people make me cry...but i was really hurt and betrayed....dats y cried...it was genuine...i dun believe in crocodile tears just to get my way or to shut anybody up....but none of these helped...biting my lip and gritting my teeth just drove me up the wall...becos it's not the right thing to do...keeping quiet and still...made them believe i was being moody and they hated my face...talking about it seems so much like talking to the wall....so...u tell me...


I am seeking Allah's guidance in this because...it has been going on for days...and the more i try not to let wat they say get to me....it is slowly getting to me....i am trying to be patient about things....but it is driving me into emotional turmoil....which brings me to this qns....is he and his frens deliberately throwing me off the edge...because that's what they really want to do in the 1st place? So that i'll be out of the picture...and that they can go and find someone else for him...someone they'll approve? or it is something that he wants to do but doesn't want to do it myself? so like again....wat is going on here, right? 


I dunno what else to say....all i can say is...i blame myself...this yr...looks to me as no different than last yr....Last yr...i let two guys come into my life and mess things up for me...i lost my job on the very same time...and everything else came crushing down on me and i was left out there crying and hurt....this yr....it is him....i let him in....at one point while i was thinking of my next step....i wish i had walk out of it when i didnt care so much about him like i do now....now...he's just playing with my head...and my feelings...like i'm nothing....like i'm rubbish..and the best thing about it is...he's letting other people..who barely even know me....to join in....


Do i deserve it? I don't think so....maybe i did say or do stuff differently from those people...and they don't agree with those things....dat's fine...but this....humiliation and misery....that's too much....a bunch of people against me....one person... u do the math...


Like someone i know would say...if it's a battlefield...you put one bull...and a lot of men to fight it all at once..for sure the bull will die....I'm just paraphrasing...Just something to think about...


Right now...i have to make a decision...more of me is telling me to walk out now...even though it has come down to the stage that i care about him enough to want to fight for this....but if i'm gonna be standing there alone....it'll sure will kill me and for sure he won't be there to fight with me...he's gonna be there to fight against me....i am trying my very best to let go....even if it's the hardest thing to do at the moment...but what other options do i have right now? It hurts so bad...my heart sink to the very bottom of my stomach everytime i see a nasty comment from any of his frens or something he said that says he wants to find somebody else....all in his facebook....all visible comments that i could see on mine...he didnt just stop there...he post it up on watsapp even...i dunno about u guys...but too much i think....its plain cold and cruel...it sure feels like so....it made me feel so sick in my stomach like i'm going to faint any minute....


I'm not asking for sympathy on any of this...i am a firm believer of truths and trying to do the right things at most times of our lives...all i'm asking is for some justice...that's all....


~Shahida~