Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Witnessing confusions in truths

Date & Time: 11th January 2012, Wednesday 2.41am
Location: My Peaceful Room
Mood: Massive headache and migraine...
Song Playing: Saosin - Some Sense of Security 


Many times i have been contemplating on whether or not i should post an 
entry...for almost two months now....my mind doesn't wanna pour 
out...instead...questions like..."Will anybody read it?" "Will i be 
judged after my entries have been read..?" Probably my mind is just 
messing with me...Giving me excuses not to post anything...


I have this super sick feeling in my guts right now..and i have a very 
bad headache or rather migraine for letting all these nonsense fill my 
mind...I have to get them out...People have to stop 
talking..Please...stop...talking...It's really not helping...
Please don't tell me things if you know you're gonna do just the opposite 
afterwards...It's sad...and heartbreaking...it feels like an extreme 
betrayal on my side...being the one to listen to those empty words coming 
out of your mouths...


Words...There are those that are empty...there are those that moves 
you...and there are those that hurt....Lately...all i'm getting are the 
empty and hurtful ones...Sometimes i wish...they were never uttered in 
the first place...Like...do you even mean them...? Seriously...do you? if 
you jolly well know that you don't, why say them? Please...and i am 
asking this really nicely...Please stop talking...Please stop saying 
you'll do this and that and then change your mind few minutes after...I 
feel like a ball...being kicked around everywhere....it's tiring...and 
what's even more tiring, is when i have to keep on biting my lower lip so 
i won't say something bad in return....


I am really trying to change...and yes...i believe that if you try to do 
something good...or just do something...there'll be consequences...you'll 
be tested...even in ways u can never imagine...and i always believe 
nothing is ever too late...like forgiveness...


When i was young...as young as 9 years old...when i started to understand 
things normally a 9 year old wouldn't...witnessing events normally a 9 
year old wouldn't...one of the things i believe was..and still do...is 
that...forgiveness is something which is never too late to do..It just 
is...as long as your still walking around on the face of the earth...as 
long as you haven't close your eyes..as long as your not buried in the 
ground...you have the chance to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive 
others...


I have a way of sometimes being too straight up..too upfront...and also 
sometimes too stubborn..too strong-willed...i have always believed...and 
still do...that...if i am confident and strongly believe on doing or 
saying something...that it would help a great deal in a situation or that 
a simple truth is to be told...that the person have to know this...be it 
a feeling, a piece of emotion, details of an event or just a simple 
perspective...i have to let it known...i find all ways and means to try 
to let the person know...coz...i worry...if i dun get to let the truth be 
known to him or her in time...it'll all be too late....everybody will 
leave this place one day...and who wants to be THAT late....?


Don't tell me things that will leave me in a state of confusion...don't 
manipulate me into doing things just so u thot u cud get what you want in 
doing so...Don't plan anything with me if u know for sure ur fickle...


I'm just gonna make my point here...if i could say something in reply to 
what you are telling me...Here it is...Although, i will 
never...ever...disclose anybody's names...Here are the truths from 
me...sincerely from me...


A: You have been very sweet to me..thank you for the gestures...you are 
unique...and i like that...u kinda remind me of someone from my past...in 
a good way dat is...
A1: You say we should meet up? When is that gonna happen?
A2: Stop asking me for money...
A3: Why are you so silent these days? 
A4: Why do you have to always think too much?
A5: You got me again...Keep asking me whether i like you...tell me things 
like you like me and all that...and then telling me you're 'targeting 
this girl from facebook and that girl from tagged' simply leave me 
confused...if that's the way it is..i'll tell you this...i dun appreciate 
you implying to me i'm just an option in ur dating-to-find-a-wife 
mission...
A6: No matter what...i will always be here waiting for the day when we're 
gonna speak to each other again...
A7: One day...when you decide to come home...i hope you still know where 
to find me...
B: Things seem to be different now huh? 
D: You will always be my inspiration, my idol...i love you no matter what 
she says...
D1: I think you're a sweet fren though sometimes i can't stand you 
whining...
D2: Don't try to step on my toes...it's been going on long enough...
F: Stop complaining about things so much
F1: Stop being pretentious....and don't ask me for my opinions or advice 
if u dun wanna hear them...and dun do me favours and bring it up just to 
prove a point...
H: I still think about you...
L: Why did you have to 'drop-out'...? Now there's no chance for us 
happening...
L1: I'm sorry i have to leave the 'group'...she tried to change you to be 
like her...it made me angry...but not anymore...thank you for the 
birthday wish u made on my old number last yr..i dun use that number 
anymore..u shudn't have disabled ur facebook...
M: I will always try to make you happy...Dat's my promise...i love you 
even if you don't love me as much...
M1: I am very sorry...i shouldn't have overstayed the other day...i feel 
bad till now...i wish i hadn't done dat...i wish i had just walked 
home...even if it's gonna take me hrs...i love you babe...ur always there 
for me...
N: Even when others say ur whiny and u complain a lot...i know where 
you're coming from with all those...hang in there babe...don't let others 
treat you like a doormat....Speak up...
N1: Don't always do things halfway...
R: Don't brag so much
S: I told you i love your smile...i told you i'm crushing on you...and 
you...didn't care....
S1: You're always bubbly..i like that..
S2: You're always in my heart my princess...
S3: I'm sorry i wasn't at your wedding...
S4: You sure that's all you're doing...? i sense you're falling for her 
man...Luckily you only say you're thinking a little bit about a 
chance...i hope you don't tell me the full story...coz if it isn't true, 
i will walk away...
T: Thanks for being a nice guy to me...on and off...
W: How long are you gonna keep this up? All the things you keep telling 
me have always been moot or are those really from your heart...? you 
always make me confuse...the things you say to me...the things you do to 
me..how to understand you if you are always ever-changing your ways...? 
btw...i still love your eyes...in fact, i miss them
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I have my fair share of being misunderstood...Just know this...i mean it 
when i say i am sincere...i mean it when i say i am loyal...i mean it 
when i say i don't walk out on others...most times...they walk out on 
me...well...with that being said...i know this post is rather scattered 
and messy...i was brainstorming...i have to pour out the thots in my mind 
rite now...my headache is getting worse..dunno if sleeping it off will 
work..hope it does...gdnite....


P.S: I am sooooo dreading my appointment later today...

~Shahida~