Sunday, July 22, 2012

Witnessing injustice

Date & Time: 23rd July 2012 (Monday) 1.18am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: In need of a lot of support and help


First things first...i am thinking of taking down the last two post i posted....why? Well, everytime i read them both again...it made me feel like i am stooping down low to doing the exact same thing that was done to me....except that i don't expose them to be read in my facebook and humiliate anyone like it did me....here...nobody actually reads it...and nobody here knows whoever in my life personally....so...no humiliation here...just truths...with no names...


Recently...alot has been happening...and the more i put my hands and feet out to handle the problem...the more i get 'attacked'....and the best thing is...these people who have been out to get me...don't just played 'dirty'....some of them are actually people i cared about....truly...


It's painful and disappointing...that someone who actually say they care about me and love me...is not the one who is defending me....he's actually the one who allowed me to be shamed and humiliated quite publicly online...and he actually participated in most of these agendas...and when i confront him about it....he says something like 'You're crazy....ur just not right in your brain....have u taken ur meds yet? maybe u need to go to a mental hospital and get ur head checked....' Someone u cared about...betrayed u like that....its painful...literally painful....


That's the best he cud come up with so he won't look bad...so he still look like the 'angel' in front of his frens....his frens who wouldn't stop sticking their noses into other ppl's business....and somehow that 'front' was not all truthful too...now i don't only look like a monster to them...but i now look also like a crazy, demented person....all because.....yeap...get this...all because....i reacted....

i believe...Allah sees everything that we do...and i thought that the most mature thing to settle problems are to talk about them and come down to an understanding....instead....i believe...this matter...is being dragged out and thrown off and blown ridiculously out of proportion....i tried everything...i tried biting my lip and gritting my teeth...i tried keeping quiet and still....i tried talking about it...i cried while trying to come up with a solution with the person too...although i find it very embarrassing and i hate it when people make me cry...but i was really hurt and betrayed....dats y cried...it was genuine...i dun believe in crocodile tears just to get my way or to shut anybody up....but none of these helped...biting my lip and gritting my teeth just drove me up the wall...becos it's not the right thing to do...keeping quiet and still...made them believe i was being moody and they hated my face...talking about it seems so much like talking to the wall....so...u tell me...


I am seeking Allah's guidance in this because...it has been going on for days...and the more i try not to let wat they say get to me....it is slowly getting to me....i am trying to be patient about things....but it is driving me into emotional turmoil....which brings me to this qns....is he and his frens deliberately throwing me off the edge...because that's what they really want to do in the 1st place? So that i'll be out of the picture...and that they can go and find someone else for him...someone they'll approve? or it is something that he wants to do but doesn't want to do it myself? so like again....wat is going on here, right? 


I dunno what else to say....all i can say is...i blame myself...this yr...looks to me as no different than last yr....Last yr...i let two guys come into my life and mess things up for me...i lost my job on the very same time...and everything else came crushing down on me and i was left out there crying and hurt....this yr....it is him....i let him in....at one point while i was thinking of my next step....i wish i had walk out of it when i didnt care so much about him like i do now....now...he's just playing with my head...and my feelings...like i'm nothing....like i'm rubbish..and the best thing about it is...he's letting other people..who barely even know me....to join in....


Do i deserve it? I don't think so....maybe i did say or do stuff differently from those people...and they don't agree with those things....dat's fine...but this....humiliation and misery....that's too much....a bunch of people against me....one person... u do the math...


Like someone i know would say...if it's a battlefield...you put one bull...and a lot of men to fight it all at once..for sure the bull will die....I'm just paraphrasing...Just something to think about...


Right now...i have to make a decision...more of me is telling me to walk out now...even though it has come down to the stage that i care about him enough to want to fight for this....but if i'm gonna be standing there alone....it'll sure will kill me and for sure he won't be there to fight with me...he's gonna be there to fight against me....i am trying my very best to let go....even if it's the hardest thing to do at the moment...but what other options do i have right now? It hurts so bad...my heart sink to the very bottom of my stomach everytime i see a nasty comment from any of his frens or something he said that says he wants to find somebody else....all in his facebook....all visible comments that i could see on mine...he didnt just stop there...he post it up on watsapp even...i dunno about u guys...but too much i think....its plain cold and cruel...it sure feels like so....it made me feel so sick in my stomach like i'm going to faint any minute....


I'm not asking for sympathy on any of this...i am a firm believer of truths and trying to do the right things at most times of our lives...all i'm asking is for some justice...that's all....


~Shahida~

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Witnessing brokenness

Date & Time: 16th July 2012 12.36am Monday
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Fall Out Boy - The (Shipped) Gold Standard
Mood: Hurt


Once again, i got myself hurt...Bit my lip and held back my tongue...one thing kept running in my mind....i don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't care at all about me...It's sad....but i'm sure Allah knows what's best for me...i'm only holding on for everyone who actually cared about us....but when September comes...i'm making my own decision...i hope one day....u will realise...this game u played...no one wants to play with u anymore....


~Shahida~

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Witnessing acceptance and moving on

Date & Time: 15th July 2012 6.54am Sunday
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Akcent - My Passion
Mood: Sincerely in remorse

We are going through life in our own different ways as how our Creator decides and plans for us. We have no power to know what is going to happen next. Be it in the next few years or even in the next mere second. Right now, i am sitting here deciding to write in but who knows what will happen in the minutes and hours later. A while ago, i was in sujud to our Creator, crying so much in sincere seeking forgiveness. 


I am a woman on a mission. I have no specific day when i am gonna start. I do not even know why i have to sit down to think about it so much. But one thing i know for sure. That, the day will eventually come. If God wills it. I am getting more and more serious into this. Although some days i get struck with something, threw me off my game, get myself derailed and gone astray, I still want to come back and there is no stopping me on this. Not anything, not anyone.


Some people say changes are good, whilst some will say that it is bad. It all depends i guess. On how all of us are willing to embrace the idea, handle the causes, put it to work or just simply smile and face them. I would say, this change i am going to make to my life, i just want it to be blessed. Hoping that it will soon make me a better Muslimah. 


Actually, the whole story behind this blog entry is me expressing my deep thoughts about a few aspects of my life. I am learning more about acceptance and moving on. This is my mission. 


Many things are happening to me at the moment that has been keeping me weeping inside my heart. I would be back here in my room, lock myself in here, sitting by my bedside in deep thoughts and all it does is bring me on a chronological drive by from my childhood days to the moment i was at. See, i am the lonely kid since young. Although i would be grateful for the times i got myself into a lot of trouble only for the lessons i learnt and that it somehow toughen me up inside. But we can never run away from our challenges we are set to face in our lives. I have learnt that when we are faced with our set challenges, we could either run towards it and face it head on or we could move slowly and work our way around it till we find the solutions.


So here it is...my acceptance....in a list...
1) I am going to try to accept that M will never stop hurting me. Deceit, condescension, betrayal, ignorance, tactlessness and lame excuses...kept bringing out my worst side of me that i have had buried years ago...my monstrosity i had for many years of living in domestic violence, a bad neighbourhood and harassments...So with that said... i am going to move on...
2) As much as the history goes between me and W. i am going to try to accept that W is never going to love me like how i did him...i can never be good enough for him...With that said....i am going to move on...
3) Allah is Great. He stopped me from telling A that i might have liked him and feelings have grown throughout since we became friends back at City Alive 2010. For that, i am thankful. I could be making a huge mistake of humiliating myself and hurting someone he has in his life if i was ever able to tell him how i feel. I accept that A now has someone else by his side. So with that said....i am going to move on....
4) My brother cleared up all the stuff in the store room last night. Saw boxes filled with someone related. They are now sitting in my room, waiting to be unpacked and let go of. She will come back when Allah wills it. With that said, I will continue to move on.
5) 6th June 2005 was when she came into my life...she was gone from my grasp on 7th June 2005...every year on the same two days of my life, i will feel all mellow, weepy and solemn. She will come back to find me when Allah wills for us to meet....With that said, i will continue to move on...
6) H has been the best guy i had ever known in my life...Fate did not allow us to stay together...I am just grateful for the moments i had with H...with that said...i will continue to move on....
7) I had my 1st job when i was 12.. Waiting for PSLE results and Secondary school results and the many years of my family being in financial instability driven me to be so early at age to work...I have engaged myself in many different industries and line of work...I have many dreams...but i have one absolute passion.. creativity and design...although i have never gotten the chance to land myself a job linking anywhere and anyway in my passion, i have accepted and letting Allah decide me on this one...He brings about my rizqi...so wherever my rizqi is set for me, i will never stop going on with my passion....so i accept whatever decent job i get that will be good for me and move on.....


I am going to accept whatever setbacks that has happened or have yet to happen...I pray Allah provides me with ample strength to keep my Iman in check and i am going to try to move on and i will move on....


There are always more to life than just Dunya...and i am going to make changes not to corrupt myself...i want to make changes for value...and i know i cannot change how people see or feel about me....because every minute and every second...changes happen..to things, to people...people change when we are not looking...so who is to know all these things..only Allah...so with all that...i am accepting and moving on....


~Shahida~