Sunday, November 11, 2012

Date & Time: 12th November 2012, Monday 1.38am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: Lonely

I am feeling lonelier than ever....i have so limited friends at the moment...my social life is shrinking....i'm not angry...i'm just frustrated....i have never had any problems making friends anywhere i go...from young....but now....everything's different....just different....=(

Monday, November 5, 2012

Witnessing explanations

Date & Time: 6th November 2012 (Tuesday) 2am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Wali Band - Ya Allah
Mood: Sad

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.....


It has been a while since my last post..A lot has happened since then....Plenty....but i guess i'll just write about recent events which actually brought me back here....writing about things sometimes feels better than talking to anyone....i have been feeling down lately....not of a particular reason...but for so many reasons....i may seem to be ungrateful to some who likes to judge based on just the mere things they see or hear...Well, here's something for ya judgemental minds out there..i don't owe anyone any explanations to how i do things...or run my life....thank you very much and please know that it is really none of your business....If u wud want to sincerely provide me advice, perspective or help....please do...and know that i am grateful and i appreciate every bit of it....


Ever since Sunday....i have been feeling sad throughout...words that was said to me....pierced me much into my heart....but i didnt want to get defensive...Allah knows best....the words that were presented might come out harsh...but i may not know how they were intended considering i felt pain inside after they were being said to me...that i might have perceived them wrongly for myself in my own knowledge....but i thought it might be better for me to just portray my defense here instead as no one really reads this page of mine....


But first, let me just make it clear that i do not intend to hurt anyone or offend anyone with whatever i write in here....its just self expression and self reflection that always brings me to writing in this sad looking blog of mine...

Sometimes i say the words 'I don't know' or 'Sorry' too many times in my conversations because i am afraid that i would hurt others with my words....growing up....i was raised in harsh ways and called to with harsh terms....somehow....it has lived with me much and some didnt outgrow me at all....so...forgive me for that..


I am feeling so much guilt of something i feel that i may not have done enough or i may have done too much or i may not have done anything about.....i care about him...afterall, he is the only one left....my other sibling has gone far away from us....but i never forget her, even though we are of different faiths now....Anyways,,,back to the matter at hand....i really wanna help him get back on his feet and help him find his way in life...InsyaAllah...but he is his own person...i did what i could do...as much as i could do...i passed him advices...perspectives...information....softness...care....and a lot more.....and know this...i may be slow to respond or execute things...but i dun give up easily....Allah please don't wear me out on strength and patience....but...one also should know....we can't help a person who doesnt want to be helped....May Allah guide him and show him the way...he will always be in my prayers...InsyaAllah....Ya Rabb, please take care of him....


Ya Allah....i seek your forgiveness.....


Recently, i told myself...i am on a mission....next year....many things will be different...truthfully...i am almost there on the first phase....i have also told myself to not look back and live in the past....but only to reflect on them so that i can move forward...InsyaAllah....but in the process...i may have lost many things...and people in my life....as much as i appreciate and am grateful to know them....if there is a need for us to go on our separate ways...let it be so....Ya Allah, it is not in my intentions to severe relationships...just to give space for we are different in many ways...


Many of my friends may know me well enough...but for some....they may not....i am not going to explain myself anymore...Not in the basis of arrogance...but i believe...if the truth is supposed to be out...it will be...i am thinking of closing down my facebook account as it doesnt serve me much purpose as much as it only gave me reasons for others to doubt me..and judge me...and i drown in fitnahs..Astaghfirullah....

Well...for now...i will just say this...i might provide some answers to the questions that i might not be able to hear.....i am my own person....still am...i do not intend to marry yet..as i am still looking for someone suitable for me...Yes i did consider M the last time i thought....but not anymore...as the last disappointed didnt bring me back to care towards him than just a mere distant relative....i do not feel that it is right to cut off ties with anyone just cause....many would perceive this act to be hypocritical...but i do not see the error in this....


Ya Rabb....grant me someone with the characteristics of which will suit me well....and that i will also be the same to him...InsyaAllah....There are many out there...but....so many times i got burned...i have come to redha in this matter....as i believe in....كُن فَيَكُونُ Kun Faya Kun....Allah knows while i know not.....Amin....