Date & Time: 10th December 2012, Monday 2.41am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Ariel - Someone Like You (Adele Cover)
Mood: Numb
Have i become so hard hearted that i myself didn't even notice what i am doing? I haven't cried..for quite a long time since the last tear dropped....Last yr, on this very date....i was crying out of remorse...and for someone who i believe has nvr has any feelings for me....He was just using me....and it had hurt me a lot...and i found myself turning back to Allah...the Greatest power that could turn all sadness into smiles...and also the other way around...i had no one....my family didn't know much about my personal life...my bestfriends....they were there....but only to provide comfort...but not salvation....i needed to change...and so i did...i attempted...and this yr...i think i only manage to change only a fraction of myself....i could tell myself something as comforting as 'Well, at least you tried' but....another part of me still feels that it wasn't enough....
I'm not saying that i don't believe that Allah is the Greatest power....i just feel that it would be nice...to have a saviour in human form...so i can at least feel that i am somewhere right....somewhere i'm supposed to be...i just feel that it would be nice...that from time to time...when i'm lost...or when i feel that i'm lost...someone would come and take my hand....and bring me back to where i'm supposed to be....but....everywhere i turned...all i see...are walls....closing in on me....
I tried....to act like nothing is hurting me...but....honestly...alot is hurting me....i'm trying my best to let things go....and move on...but whenever i try....i dunno where i am supposed to go and move on....i'm numb....
Today....that someone who keep saying that he wants to be with me...and always giving me a hard time to trust him...is doing one of his usual scheming....why....? why do he always resort to hurting me in those ways....? and...what am i supposed to do about it all?
I wish...i have all the answers to these questions....but somehow...in the process....of becoming so hard hearted has made me not wanna be bothered to ask anymore....and the most frustrating thing is that....when i see it....the things he do just to hurt me....it made my stomach turn....it made me feel sick.....
A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind...i thought that when i am so intoxicated with medication because i am still recovering from this common cold i had in the past week would make me stop thinking and put my mind at ease...at least for awhile...it doesn't.....i feel more like a failure...in everything...i thought..."hey....let's go seize the day...' but i couldnt build the courage..to do the things i thought of that would level me up to seizing the day....
i did...wanted to reveal feelings to few people i know....feelings i kept so secured inside....i think i've moved on from Ar....but i can't seem to move on from the feelings i kept of W....and Ad....what's that all about.... ? i keep running all the facts i have....am i trying to create reasons to walk away from him...or am i just not seeing things right.....? its not like we are anything...or that i have any kind of special relationships with them....its just....i think something is throwing off me the rails...and its frustrating me that i can't move to do anything better for myself in any of it.....
Don't get me wrong.....i am not desperate to be united with just anyone in marriage....its just that...i am on a mission...although sometimes i admit...i backslided....but i don't think it is wrong for me to wait for that one person who understands where i'm coming from and that i am on an important mission...a mission to be closer to Allah....i'm not asking for a pious Ustaz or Imam.....just someone....who is willing enough to walk this journey with me...and that he understands how important it is to me and that it is also something important to him....Ya Allah....help me....i really really need you....if there's a chance for me to be with that person....i hope...he stop hiding already.....
I am sorry for everything....
~SHAHIDA~
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Sunday, November 11, 2012
Date & Time: 12th November 2012, Monday 1.38am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: Lonely
I am feeling lonelier than ever....i have so limited friends at the moment...my social life is shrinking....i'm not angry...i'm just frustrated....i have never had any problems making friends anywhere i go...from young....but now....everything's different....just different....=(
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: Lonely
I am feeling lonelier than ever....i have so limited friends at the moment...my social life is shrinking....i'm not angry...i'm just frustrated....i have never had any problems making friends anywhere i go...from young....but now....everything's different....just different....=(
Monday, November 5, 2012
Witnessing explanations
Date & Time: 6th November 2012 (Tuesday) 2am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Wali Band - Ya Allah
Mood: Sad
Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.....
It has been a while since my last post..A lot has happened since then....Plenty....but i guess i'll just write about recent events which actually brought me back here....writing about things sometimes feels better than talking to anyone....i have been feeling down lately....not of a particular reason...but for so many reasons....i may seem to be ungrateful to some who likes to judge based on just the mere things they see or hear...Well, here's something for ya judgemental minds out there..i don't owe anyone any explanations to how i do things...or run my life....thank you very much and please know that it is really none of your business....If u wud want to sincerely provide me advice, perspective or help....please do...and know that i am grateful and i appreciate every bit of it....
Ever since Sunday....i have been feeling sad throughout...words that was said to me....pierced me much into my heart....but i didnt want to get defensive...Allah knows best....the words that were presented might come out harsh...but i may not know how they were intended considering i felt pain inside after they were being said to me...that i might have perceived them wrongly for myself in my own knowledge....but i thought it might be better for me to just portray my defense here instead as no one really reads this page of mine....
But first, let me just make it clear that i do not intend to hurt anyone or offend anyone with whatever i write in here....its just self expression and self reflection that always brings me to writing in this sad looking blog of mine...
Sometimes i say the words 'I don't know' or 'Sorry' too many times in my conversations because i am afraid that i would hurt others with my words....growing up....i was raised in harsh ways and called to with harsh terms....somehow....it has lived with me much and some didnt outgrow me at all....so...forgive me for that..
I am feeling so much guilt of something i feel that i may not have done enough or i may have done too much or i may not have done anything about.....i care about him...afterall, he is the only one left....my other sibling has gone far away from us....but i never forget her, even though we are of different faiths now....Anyways,,,back to the matter at hand....i really wanna help him get back on his feet and help him find his way in life...InsyaAllah...but he is his own person...i did what i could do...as much as i could do...i passed him advices...perspectives...information....softness...care....and a lot more.....and know this...i may be slow to respond or execute things...but i dun give up easily....Allah please don't wear me out on strength and patience....but...one also should know....we can't help a person who doesnt want to be helped....May Allah guide him and show him the way...he will always be in my prayers...InsyaAllah....Ya Rabb, please take care of him....
Ya Allah....i seek your forgiveness.....
Recently, i told myself...i am on a mission....next year....many things will be different...truthfully...i am almost there on the first phase....i have also told myself to not look back and live in the past....but only to reflect on them so that i can move forward...InsyaAllah....but in the process...i may have lost many things...and people in my life....as much as i appreciate and am grateful to know them....if there is a need for us to go on our separate ways...let it be so....Ya Allah, it is not in my intentions to severe relationships...just to give space for we are different in many ways...
Many of my friends may know me well enough...but for some....they may not....i am not going to explain myself anymore...Not in the basis of arrogance...but i believe...if the truth is supposed to be out...it will be...i am thinking of closing down my facebook account as it doesnt serve me much purpose as much as it only gave me reasons for others to doubt me..and judge me...and i drown in fitnahs..Astaghfirullah....
Well...for now...i will just say this...i might provide some answers to the questions that i might not be able to hear.....i am my own person....still am...i do not intend to marry yet..as i am still looking for someone suitable for me...Yes i did consider M the last time i thought....but not anymore...as the last disappointed didnt bring me back to care towards him than just a mere distant relative....i do not feel that it is right to cut off ties with anyone just cause....many would perceive this act to be hypocritical...but i do not see the error in this....
Ya Rabb....grant me someone with the characteristics of which will suit me well....and that i will also be the same to him...InsyaAllah....There are many out there...but....so many times i got burned...i have come to redha in this matter....as i believe in....كُن فَيَكُونُ Kun Faya Kun....Allah knows while i know not.....Amin....
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Wali Band - Ya Allah
Mood: Sad
Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.....
It has been a while since my last post..A lot has happened since then....Plenty....but i guess i'll just write about recent events which actually brought me back here....writing about things sometimes feels better than talking to anyone....i have been feeling down lately....not of a particular reason...but for so many reasons....i may seem to be ungrateful to some who likes to judge based on just the mere things they see or hear...Well, here's something for ya judgemental minds out there..i don't owe anyone any explanations to how i do things...or run my life....thank you very much and please know that it is really none of your business....If u wud want to sincerely provide me advice, perspective or help....please do...and know that i am grateful and i appreciate every bit of it....
Ever since Sunday....i have been feeling sad throughout...words that was said to me....pierced me much into my heart....but i didnt want to get defensive...Allah knows best....the words that were presented might come out harsh...but i may not know how they were intended considering i felt pain inside after they were being said to me...that i might have perceived them wrongly for myself in my own knowledge....but i thought it might be better for me to just portray my defense here instead as no one really reads this page of mine....
But first, let me just make it clear that i do not intend to hurt anyone or offend anyone with whatever i write in here....its just self expression and self reflection that always brings me to writing in this sad looking blog of mine...
Sometimes i say the words 'I don't know' or 'Sorry' too many times in my conversations because i am afraid that i would hurt others with my words....growing up....i was raised in harsh ways and called to with harsh terms....somehow....it has lived with me much and some didnt outgrow me at all....so...forgive me for that..
I am feeling so much guilt of something i feel that i may not have done enough or i may have done too much or i may not have done anything about.....i care about him...afterall, he is the only one left....my other sibling has gone far away from us....but i never forget her, even though we are of different faiths now....Anyways,,,back to the matter at hand....i really wanna help him get back on his feet and help him find his way in life...InsyaAllah...but he is his own person...i did what i could do...as much as i could do...i passed him advices...perspectives...information....softness...care....and a lot more.....and know this...i may be slow to respond or execute things...but i dun give up easily....Allah please don't wear me out on strength and patience....but...one also should know....we can't help a person who doesnt want to be helped....May Allah guide him and show him the way...he will always be in my prayers...InsyaAllah....Ya Rabb, please take care of him....
Ya Allah....i seek your forgiveness.....
Recently, i told myself...i am on a mission....next year....many things will be different...truthfully...i am almost there on the first phase....i have also told myself to not look back and live in the past....but only to reflect on them so that i can move forward...InsyaAllah....but in the process...i may have lost many things...and people in my life....as much as i appreciate and am grateful to know them....if there is a need for us to go on our separate ways...let it be so....Ya Allah, it is not in my intentions to severe relationships...just to give space for we are different in many ways...
Many of my friends may know me well enough...but for some....they may not....i am not going to explain myself anymore...Not in the basis of arrogance...but i believe...if the truth is supposed to be out...it will be...i am thinking of closing down my facebook account as it doesnt serve me much purpose as much as it only gave me reasons for others to doubt me..and judge me...and i drown in fitnahs..Astaghfirullah....
Well...for now...i will just say this...i might provide some answers to the questions that i might not be able to hear.....i am my own person....still am...i do not intend to marry yet..as i am still looking for someone suitable for me...Yes i did consider M the last time i thought....but not anymore...as the last disappointed didnt bring me back to care towards him than just a mere distant relative....i do not feel that it is right to cut off ties with anyone just cause....many would perceive this act to be hypocritical...but i do not see the error in this....
Ya Rabb....grant me someone with the characteristics of which will suit me well....and that i will also be the same to him...InsyaAllah....There are many out there...but....so many times i got burned...i have come to redha in this matter....as i believe in....كُن فَيَكُونُ Kun Faya Kun....Allah knows while i know not.....Amin....
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Witnessing injustice
Date & Time: 23rd July 2012 (Monday) 1.18am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: In need of a lot of support and help
First things first...i am thinking of taking down the last two post i posted....why? Well, everytime i read them both again...it made me feel like i am stooping down low to doing the exact same thing that was done to me....except that i don't expose them to be read in my facebook and humiliate anyone like it did me....here...nobody actually reads it...and nobody here knows whoever in my life personally....so...no humiliation here...just truths...with no names...
Recently...alot has been happening...and the more i put my hands and feet out to handle the problem...the more i get 'attacked'....and the best thing is...these people who have been out to get me...don't just played 'dirty'....some of them are actually people i cared about....truly...
It's painful and disappointing...that someone who actually say they care about me and love me...is not the one who is defending me....he's actually the one who allowed me to be shamed and humiliated quite publicly online...and he actually participated in most of these agendas...and when i confront him about it....he says something like 'You're crazy....ur just not right in your brain....have u taken ur meds yet? maybe u need to go to a mental hospital and get ur head checked....' Someone u cared about...betrayed u like that....its painful...literally painful....
That's the best he cud come up with so he won't look bad...so he still look like the 'angel' in front of his frens....his frens who wouldn't stop sticking their noses into other ppl's business....and somehow that 'front' was not all truthful too...now i don't only look like a monster to them...but i now look also like a crazy, demented person....all because.....yeap...get this...all because....i reacted....
i believe...Allah sees everything that we do...and i thought that the most mature thing to settle problems are to talk about them and come down to an understanding....instead....i believe...this matter...is being dragged out and thrown off and blown ridiculously out of proportion....i tried everything...i tried biting my lip and gritting my teeth...i tried keeping quiet and still....i tried talking about it...i cried while trying to come up with a solution with the person too...although i find it very embarrassing and i hate it when people make me cry...but i was really hurt and betrayed....dats y cried...it was genuine...i dun believe in crocodile tears just to get my way or to shut anybody up....but none of these helped...biting my lip and gritting my teeth just drove me up the wall...becos it's not the right thing to do...keeping quiet and still...made them believe i was being moody and they hated my face...talking about it seems so much like talking to the wall....so...u tell me...
I am seeking Allah's guidance in this because...it has been going on for days...and the more i try not to let wat they say get to me....it is slowly getting to me....i am trying to be patient about things....but it is driving me into emotional turmoil....which brings me to this qns....is he and his frens deliberately throwing me off the edge...because that's what they really want to do in the 1st place? So that i'll be out of the picture...and that they can go and find someone else for him...someone they'll approve? or it is something that he wants to do but doesn't want to do it myself? so like again....wat is going on here, right?
I dunno what else to say....all i can say is...i blame myself...this yr...looks to me as no different than last yr....Last yr...i let two guys come into my life and mess things up for me...i lost my job on the very same time...and everything else came crushing down on me and i was left out there crying and hurt....this yr....it is him....i let him in....at one point while i was thinking of my next step....i wish i had walk out of it when i didnt care so much about him like i do now....now...he's just playing with my head...and my feelings...like i'm nothing....like i'm rubbish..and the best thing about it is...he's letting other people..who barely even know me....to join in....
Do i deserve it? I don't think so....maybe i did say or do stuff differently from those people...and they don't agree with those things....dat's fine...but this....humiliation and misery....that's too much....a bunch of people against me....one person... u do the math...
Like someone i know would say...if it's a battlefield...you put one bull...and a lot of men to fight it all at once..for sure the bull will die....I'm just paraphrasing...Just something to think about...
Right now...i have to make a decision...more of me is telling me to walk out now...even though it has come down to the stage that i care about him enough to want to fight for this....but if i'm gonna be standing there alone....it'll sure will kill me and for sure he won't be there to fight with me...he's gonna be there to fight against me....i am trying my very best to let go....even if it's the hardest thing to do at the moment...but what other options do i have right now? It hurts so bad...my heart sink to the very bottom of my stomach everytime i see a nasty comment from any of his frens or something he said that says he wants to find somebody else....all in his facebook....all visible comments that i could see on mine...he didnt just stop there...he post it up on watsapp even...i dunno about u guys...but too much i think....its plain cold and cruel...it sure feels like so....it made me feel so sick in my stomach like i'm going to faint any minute....
I'm not asking for sympathy on any of this...i am a firm believer of truths and trying to do the right things at most times of our lives...all i'm asking is for some justice...that's all....
~Shahida~
Location: My Room
Song Playing: None
Mood: In need of a lot of support and help
First things first...i am thinking of taking down the last two post i posted....why? Well, everytime i read them both again...it made me feel like i am stooping down low to doing the exact same thing that was done to me....except that i don't expose them to be read in my facebook and humiliate anyone like it did me....here...nobody actually reads it...and nobody here knows whoever in my life personally....so...no humiliation here...just truths...with no names...
Recently...alot has been happening...and the more i put my hands and feet out to handle the problem...the more i get 'attacked'....and the best thing is...these people who have been out to get me...don't just played 'dirty'....some of them are actually people i cared about....truly...
It's painful and disappointing...that someone who actually say they care about me and love me...is not the one who is defending me....he's actually the one who allowed me to be shamed and humiliated quite publicly online...and he actually participated in most of these agendas...and when i confront him about it....he says something like 'You're crazy....ur just not right in your brain....have u taken ur meds yet? maybe u need to go to a mental hospital and get ur head checked....' Someone u cared about...betrayed u like that....its painful...literally painful....
That's the best he cud come up with so he won't look bad...so he still look like the 'angel' in front of his frens....his frens who wouldn't stop sticking their noses into other ppl's business....and somehow that 'front' was not all truthful too...now i don't only look like a monster to them...but i now look also like a crazy, demented person....all because.....yeap...get this...all because....i reacted....
i believe...Allah sees everything that we do...and i thought that the most mature thing to settle problems are to talk about them and come down to an understanding....instead....i believe...this matter...is being dragged out and thrown off and blown ridiculously out of proportion....i tried everything...i tried biting my lip and gritting my teeth...i tried keeping quiet and still....i tried talking about it...i cried while trying to come up with a solution with the person too...although i find it very embarrassing and i hate it when people make me cry...but i was really hurt and betrayed....dats y cried...it was genuine...i dun believe in crocodile tears just to get my way or to shut anybody up....but none of these helped...biting my lip and gritting my teeth just drove me up the wall...becos it's not the right thing to do...keeping quiet and still...made them believe i was being moody and they hated my face...talking about it seems so much like talking to the wall....so...u tell me...
I am seeking Allah's guidance in this because...it has been going on for days...and the more i try not to let wat they say get to me....it is slowly getting to me....i am trying to be patient about things....but it is driving me into emotional turmoil....which brings me to this qns....is he and his frens deliberately throwing me off the edge...because that's what they really want to do in the 1st place? So that i'll be out of the picture...and that they can go and find someone else for him...someone they'll approve? or it is something that he wants to do but doesn't want to do it myself? so like again....wat is going on here, right?
I dunno what else to say....all i can say is...i blame myself...this yr...looks to me as no different than last yr....Last yr...i let two guys come into my life and mess things up for me...i lost my job on the very same time...and everything else came crushing down on me and i was left out there crying and hurt....this yr....it is him....i let him in....at one point while i was thinking of my next step....i wish i had walk out of it when i didnt care so much about him like i do now....now...he's just playing with my head...and my feelings...like i'm nothing....like i'm rubbish..and the best thing about it is...he's letting other people..who barely even know me....to join in....
Do i deserve it? I don't think so....maybe i did say or do stuff differently from those people...and they don't agree with those things....dat's fine...but this....humiliation and misery....that's too much....a bunch of people against me....one person... u do the math...
Like someone i know would say...if it's a battlefield...you put one bull...and a lot of men to fight it all at once..for sure the bull will die....I'm just paraphrasing...Just something to think about...
Right now...i have to make a decision...more of me is telling me to walk out now...even though it has come down to the stage that i care about him enough to want to fight for this....but if i'm gonna be standing there alone....it'll sure will kill me and for sure he won't be there to fight with me...he's gonna be there to fight against me....i am trying my very best to let go....even if it's the hardest thing to do at the moment...but what other options do i have right now? It hurts so bad...my heart sink to the very bottom of my stomach everytime i see a nasty comment from any of his frens or something he said that says he wants to find somebody else....all in his facebook....all visible comments that i could see on mine...he didnt just stop there...he post it up on watsapp even...i dunno about u guys...but too much i think....its plain cold and cruel...it sure feels like so....it made me feel so sick in my stomach like i'm going to faint any minute....
I'm not asking for sympathy on any of this...i am a firm believer of truths and trying to do the right things at most times of our lives...all i'm asking is for some justice...that's all....
~Shahida~
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Witnessing brokenness
Date & Time: 16th July 2012 12.36am Monday
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Fall Out Boy - The (Shipped) Gold Standard
Mood: Hurt
Once again, i got myself hurt...Bit my lip and held back my tongue...one thing kept running in my mind....i don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't care at all about me...It's sad....but i'm sure Allah knows what's best for me...i'm only holding on for everyone who actually cared about us....but when September comes...i'm making my own decision...i hope one day....u will realise...this game u played...no one wants to play with u anymore....
~Shahida~
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Fall Out Boy - The (Shipped) Gold Standard
Mood: Hurt
Once again, i got myself hurt...Bit my lip and held back my tongue...one thing kept running in my mind....i don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't care at all about me...It's sad....but i'm sure Allah knows what's best for me...i'm only holding on for everyone who actually cared about us....but when September comes...i'm making my own decision...i hope one day....u will realise...this game u played...no one wants to play with u anymore....
~Shahida~
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Witnessing acceptance and moving on
Date & Time: 15th July 2012 6.54am Sunday
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Akcent - My Passion
Mood: Sincerely in remorse
We are going through life in our own different ways as how our Creator decides and plans for us. We have no power to know what is going to happen next. Be it in the next few years or even in the next mere second. Right now, i am sitting here deciding to write in but who knows what will happen in the minutes and hours later. A while ago, i was in sujud to our Creator, crying so much in sincere seeking forgiveness.
I am a woman on a mission. I have no specific day when i am gonna start. I do not even know why i have to sit down to think about it so much. But one thing i know for sure. That, the day will eventually come. If God wills it. I am getting more and more serious into this. Although some days i get struck with something, threw me off my game, get myself derailed and gone astray, I still want to come back and there is no stopping me on this. Not anything, not anyone.
Some people say changes are good, whilst some will say that it is bad. It all depends i guess. On how all of us are willing to embrace the idea, handle the causes, put it to work or just simply smile and face them. I would say, this change i am going to make to my life, i just want it to be blessed. Hoping that it will soon make me a better Muslimah.
Actually, the whole story behind this blog entry is me expressing my deep thoughts about a few aspects of my life. I am learning more about acceptance and moving on. This is my mission.
Many things are happening to me at the moment that has been keeping me weeping inside my heart. I would be back here in my room, lock myself in here, sitting by my bedside in deep thoughts and all it does is bring me on a chronological drive by from my childhood days to the moment i was at. See, i am the lonely kid since young. Although i would be grateful for the times i got myself into a lot of trouble only for the lessons i learnt and that it somehow toughen me up inside. But we can never run away from our challenges we are set to face in our lives. I have learnt that when we are faced with our set challenges, we could either run towards it and face it head on or we could move slowly and work our way around it till we find the solutions.
So here it is...my acceptance....in a list...
1) I am going to try to accept that M will never stop hurting me. Deceit, condescension, betrayal, ignorance, tactlessness and lame excuses...kept bringing out my worst side of me that i have had buried years ago...my monstrosity i had for many years of living in domestic violence, a bad neighbourhood and harassments...So with that said... i am going to move on...
2) As much as the history goes between me and W. i am going to try to accept that W is never going to love me like how i did him...i can never be good enough for him...With that said....i am going to move on...
3) Allah is Great. He stopped me from telling A that i might have liked him and feelings have grown throughout since we became friends back at City Alive 2010. For that, i am thankful. I could be making a huge mistake of humiliating myself and hurting someone he has in his life if i was ever able to tell him how i feel. I accept that A now has someone else by his side. So with that said....i am going to move on....
4) My brother cleared up all the stuff in the store room last night. Saw boxes filled with someone related. They are now sitting in my room, waiting to be unpacked and let go of. She will come back when Allah wills it. With that said, I will continue to move on.
5) 6th June 2005 was when she came into my life...she was gone from my grasp on 7th June 2005...every year on the same two days of my life, i will feel all mellow, weepy and solemn. She will come back to find me when Allah wills for us to meet....With that said, i will continue to move on...
6) H has been the best guy i had ever known in my life...Fate did not allow us to stay together...I am just grateful for the moments i had with H...with that said...i will continue to move on....
7) I had my 1st job when i was 12.. Waiting for PSLE results and Secondary school results and the many years of my family being in financial instability driven me to be so early at age to work...I have engaged myself in many different industries and line of work...I have many dreams...but i have one absolute passion.. creativity and design...although i have never gotten the chance to land myself a job linking anywhere and anyway in my passion, i have accepted and letting Allah decide me on this one...He brings about my rizqi...so wherever my rizqi is set for me, i will never stop going on with my passion....so i accept whatever decent job i get that will be good for me and move on.....
I am going to accept whatever setbacks that has happened or have yet to happen...I pray Allah provides me with ample strength to keep my Iman in check and i am going to try to move on and i will move on....
There are always more to life than just Dunya...and i am going to make changes not to corrupt myself...i want to make changes for value...and i know i cannot change how people see or feel about me....because every minute and every second...changes happen..to things, to people...people change when we are not looking...so who is to know all these things..only Allah...so with all that...i am accepting and moving on....
~Shahida~
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Akcent - My Passion
Mood: Sincerely in remorse
We are going through life in our own different ways as how our Creator decides and plans for us. We have no power to know what is going to happen next. Be it in the next few years or even in the next mere second. Right now, i am sitting here deciding to write in but who knows what will happen in the minutes and hours later. A while ago, i was in sujud to our Creator, crying so much in sincere seeking forgiveness.
I am a woman on a mission. I have no specific day when i am gonna start. I do not even know why i have to sit down to think about it so much. But one thing i know for sure. That, the day will eventually come. If God wills it. I am getting more and more serious into this. Although some days i get struck with something, threw me off my game, get myself derailed and gone astray, I still want to come back and there is no stopping me on this. Not anything, not anyone.
Some people say changes are good, whilst some will say that it is bad. It all depends i guess. On how all of us are willing to embrace the idea, handle the causes, put it to work or just simply smile and face them. I would say, this change i am going to make to my life, i just want it to be blessed. Hoping that it will soon make me a better Muslimah.
Actually, the whole story behind this blog entry is me expressing my deep thoughts about a few aspects of my life. I am learning more about acceptance and moving on. This is my mission.
Many things are happening to me at the moment that has been keeping me weeping inside my heart. I would be back here in my room, lock myself in here, sitting by my bedside in deep thoughts and all it does is bring me on a chronological drive by from my childhood days to the moment i was at. See, i am the lonely kid since young. Although i would be grateful for the times i got myself into a lot of trouble only for the lessons i learnt and that it somehow toughen me up inside. But we can never run away from our challenges we are set to face in our lives. I have learnt that when we are faced with our set challenges, we could either run towards it and face it head on or we could move slowly and work our way around it till we find the solutions.
So here it is...my acceptance....in a list...
1) I am going to try to accept that M will never stop hurting me. Deceit, condescension, betrayal, ignorance, tactlessness and lame excuses...kept bringing out my worst side of me that i have had buried years ago...my monstrosity i had for many years of living in domestic violence, a bad neighbourhood and harassments...So with that said... i am going to move on...
2) As much as the history goes between me and W. i am going to try to accept that W is never going to love me like how i did him...i can never be good enough for him...With that said....i am going to move on...
3) Allah is Great. He stopped me from telling A that i might have liked him and feelings have grown throughout since we became friends back at City Alive 2010. For that, i am thankful. I could be making a huge mistake of humiliating myself and hurting someone he has in his life if i was ever able to tell him how i feel. I accept that A now has someone else by his side. So with that said....i am going to move on....
4) My brother cleared up all the stuff in the store room last night. Saw boxes filled with someone related. They are now sitting in my room, waiting to be unpacked and let go of. She will come back when Allah wills it. With that said, I will continue to move on.
5) 6th June 2005 was when she came into my life...she was gone from my grasp on 7th June 2005...every year on the same two days of my life, i will feel all mellow, weepy and solemn. She will come back to find me when Allah wills for us to meet....With that said, i will continue to move on...
6) H has been the best guy i had ever known in my life...Fate did not allow us to stay together...I am just grateful for the moments i had with H...with that said...i will continue to move on....
7) I had my 1st job when i was 12.. Waiting for PSLE results and Secondary school results and the many years of my family being in financial instability driven me to be so early at age to work...I have engaged myself in many different industries and line of work...I have many dreams...but i have one absolute passion.. creativity and design...although i have never gotten the chance to land myself a job linking anywhere and anyway in my passion, i have accepted and letting Allah decide me on this one...He brings about my rizqi...so wherever my rizqi is set for me, i will never stop going on with my passion....so i accept whatever decent job i get that will be good for me and move on.....
I am going to accept whatever setbacks that has happened or have yet to happen...I pray Allah provides me with ample strength to keep my Iman in check and i am going to try to move on and i will move on....
There are always more to life than just Dunya...and i am going to make changes not to corrupt myself...i want to make changes for value...and i know i cannot change how people see or feel about me....because every minute and every second...changes happen..to things, to people...people change when we are not looking...so who is to know all these things..only Allah...so with all that...i am accepting and moving on....
~Shahida~
Monday, April 16, 2012
Witnessing learning life
Date & Time: 17th April 2012, Tuesday, 1.21am
Location: My Room
Mood: Pinched
Song Playing: Paramore - Playing God
So...here it is...when you have something to say...say it...but do not be sarcastic...
Get this...People say...it ain't over until the fat lady sings...well...i'm not fat...but i do know how to sing...that's beside the point...no intentions of discrimination but just making a point...Point is of those words...they just meant essentially that one should not assume the outcome of something until it has actually finished...what i'm trying to say is...Just simply...don't assume...you don't know something don't judge...nor spew words that could hurt...
Everyday..is a learning process...learning about life...one that i learnt...there's always 3 sides to every story....THREE...not one...not TWO...but THREE...there's your side...my side...and the truth...don't get me wrong...i ain't saying we have a problem here...i would rather say...we have a setback...maybe...just maybe...truth is...u didnt mean all those words...just something that came out sparked by anger? restlessness..? confusion...? who knows...?only God knows...
Friendship...treaaaaasuuureeee it....we won't know how long we're gonna be walking around this Earth....treasure not just friendship...treasure what is given to u...treasure moments...treasure time...we are always always trying to catch time...catch up with things...stuff like that...we fail to sit back and smile to the times we had with those we care around us...
I'll be straight...i don't know how to play around the bushes...this ain't a story to be gossip...point fingers to each other about...but just something...to remind us...of where we are...who we are..what we are..and how we are...
Where...? we are in the midst of people we care...treasure them..whether they're not in front of us...in the same room with us...just remember them...Who? We are their families, their friends, their husbands, their wives, their daughters, their sons, their fathers, their mothers, their sisters, their brothers, their uncles, their aunts, their cousins, their nephews, their neices, their etc etc etc...we are who we are...to ourselves and to them...What? be the best of what we are to others...How? Look within ourselves...if we miss anyone...tell them...ask about them...don't give up on them...don't hurt them...if things needed to be said...say them...and then move on...if we give up on each other...friendship breaks...it would be better to overlook sometimes their errors or faults...coz reality is...we are also not free from errors or faults...we are...who we are...human...
Yeah yeah...i get it...i understand...what if...they hurt u...well..others may not know what u feel inside...but there's always one who created us that knows....Allah sees everything....remember that...
I may be wrong about whatever i said...don't have to take any of my words for it...do it for yourselves...I apologise for any harshness in my blog entries...
~Shahida~
Location: My Room
Mood: Pinched
Song Playing: Paramore - Playing God
So...here it is...when you have something to say...say it...but do not be sarcastic...
Get this...People say...it ain't over until the fat lady sings...well...i'm not fat...but i do know how to sing...that's beside the point...no intentions of discrimination but just making a point...Point is of those words...they just meant essentially that one should not assume the outcome of something until it has actually finished...what i'm trying to say is...Just simply...don't assume...you don't know something don't judge...nor spew words that could hurt...
Everyday..is a learning process...learning about life...one that i learnt...there's always 3 sides to every story....THREE...not one...not TWO...but THREE...there's your side...my side...and the truth...don't get me wrong...i ain't saying we have a problem here...i would rather say...we have a setback...maybe...just maybe...truth is...u didnt mean all those words...just something that came out sparked by anger? restlessness..? confusion...? who knows...?only God knows...
Friendship...treaaaaasuuureeee it....we won't know how long we're gonna be walking around this Earth....treasure not just friendship...treasure what is given to u...treasure moments...treasure time...we are always always trying to catch time...catch up with things...stuff like that...we fail to sit back and smile to the times we had with those we care around us...
I'll be straight...i don't know how to play around the bushes...this ain't a story to be gossip...point fingers to each other about...but just something...to remind us...of where we are...who we are..what we are..and how we are...
Where...? we are in the midst of people we care...treasure them..whether they're not in front of us...in the same room with us...just remember them...Who? We are their families, their friends, their husbands, their wives, their daughters, their sons, their fathers, their mothers, their sisters, their brothers, their uncles, their aunts, their cousins, their nephews, their neices, their etc etc etc...we are who we are...to ourselves and to them...What? be the best of what we are to others...How? Look within ourselves...if we miss anyone...tell them...ask about them...don't give up on them...don't hurt them...if things needed to be said...say them...and then move on...if we give up on each other...friendship breaks...it would be better to overlook sometimes their errors or faults...coz reality is...we are also not free from errors or faults...we are...who we are...human...
Yeah yeah...i get it...i understand...what if...they hurt u...well..others may not know what u feel inside...but there's always one who created us that knows....Allah sees everything....remember that...
I may be wrong about whatever i said...don't have to take any of my words for it...do it for yourselves...I apologise for any harshness in my blog entries...
~Shahida~
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Witnessing misunderstanding....
Date & Time: 24th March 2012 (Saturday) 10.31pm
Location: My Room
Mood: Betrayed and disappointed
Song Playing: Qasidah Istighfar
I am human...just like everybody else...i dun consider myself special than any other human...i trust in Allah as to how He judges me...not any other human....as a human being....i have feelings too...so here they are...
i feel that many people hate me....i was lying down on my mattress...trying to figure out wat just happened....how did it get to an argument instead of a conversation...but all i got was the words uttered to me on the phone...and the line went dead....such painful words...but if its the truth...i'll accept...
often times, i have been misjudged, misunderstood by people i care about...some times after something like that are being told to me...i sit and think about it...not in a worrying way...but in a figuring out what i had done wrong way...
See...i come from a background where we are not trained to express love towards each other...and i know for a fact dat all of us are hurt in some ways due to this....
Its actually sad...to be witnessing it and being in it...but Allah knows best...i know not....so i accept it the way it is...and try my very best to treasure every single sweetness, bitterness, happy and disappointing moments of it all...
As i grew up...i keep a mental note...to always be kind to others...though i know sometimes i fail to....but i know i did try and put in whatever efforts within my capability....it hurts me if the people i care about are hurt by me...if something goes wrong...i will try my might to make it right...provided if i know what the problem is...but it is commonly known...dat it takes two hands to clap....often times...i'm on the battlefield alone...still figuring out what am i supposed to be fighting for? What is the thing that is so precious that i have to fight for...? In the end...i will just succumb to whatever it is that the rest of the world decides would make them happy...
Many times in the past...i did that...and in the end...i am left crippling with all the scars of the attacks...It is quite a cliche this phrase that says "......
Oh gosh..i am feeling so emotional right now...i can't write coz i can't stop these tears....i can't do this right now...
Location: My Room
Mood: Betrayed and disappointed
Song Playing: Qasidah Istighfar
I am human...just like everybody else...i dun consider myself special than any other human...i trust in Allah as to how He judges me...not any other human....as a human being....i have feelings too...so here they are...
i feel that many people hate me....i was lying down on my mattress...trying to figure out wat just happened....how did it get to an argument instead of a conversation...but all i got was the words uttered to me on the phone...and the line went dead....such painful words...but if its the truth...i'll accept...
often times, i have been misjudged, misunderstood by people i care about...some times after something like that are being told to me...i sit and think about it...not in a worrying way...but in a figuring out what i had done wrong way...
See...i come from a background where we are not trained to express love towards each other...and i know for a fact dat all of us are hurt in some ways due to this....
Its actually sad...to be witnessing it and being in it...but Allah knows best...i know not....so i accept it the way it is...and try my very best to treasure every single sweetness, bitterness, happy and disappointing moments of it all...
As i grew up...i keep a mental note...to always be kind to others...though i know sometimes i fail to....but i know i did try and put in whatever efforts within my capability....it hurts me if the people i care about are hurt by me...if something goes wrong...i will try my might to make it right...provided if i know what the problem is...but it is commonly known...dat it takes two hands to clap....often times...i'm on the battlefield alone...still figuring out what am i supposed to be fighting for? What is the thing that is so precious that i have to fight for...? In the end...i will just succumb to whatever it is that the rest of the world decides would make them happy...
Many times in the past...i did that...and in the end...i am left crippling with all the scars of the attacks...It is quite a cliche this phrase that says "......
Oh gosh..i am feeling so emotional right now...i can't write coz i can't stop these tears....i can't do this right now...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Witnessing confusions in truths
Date & Time: 11th January 2012, Wednesday 2.41am
Location: My Peaceful Room
Mood: Massive headache and migraine...
Song Playing: Saosin - Some Sense of Security
Many times i have been contemplating on whether or not i should post an
entry...for almost two months now....my mind doesn't wanna pour
out...instead...questions like..."Will anybody read it?" "Will i be
judged after my entries have been read..?" Probably my mind is just
messing with me...Giving me excuses not to post anything...
I have this super sick feeling in my guts right now..and i have a very
bad headache or rather migraine for letting all these nonsense fill my
mind...I have to get them out...People have to stop
talking..Please...stop...talking...It's really not helping...
Please don't tell me things if you know you're gonna do just the opposite
afterwards...It's sad...and heartbreaking...it feels like an extreme
betrayal on my side...being the one to listen to those empty words coming
out of your mouths...
Words...There are those that are empty...there are those that moves
you...and there are those that hurt....Lately...all i'm getting are the
empty and hurtful ones...Sometimes i wish...they were never uttered in
the first place...Like...do you even mean them...? Seriously...do you? if
you jolly well know that you don't, why say them? Please...and i am
asking this really nicely...Please stop talking...Please stop saying
you'll do this and that and then change your mind few minutes after...I
feel like a ball...being kicked around everywhere....it's tiring...and
what's even more tiring, is when i have to keep on biting my lower lip so
i won't say something bad in return....
I am really trying to change...and yes...i believe that if you try to do
something good...or just do something...there'll be consequences...you'll
be tested...even in ways u can never imagine...and i always believe
nothing is ever too late...like forgiveness...
When i was young...as young as 9 years old...when i started to understand
things normally a 9 year old wouldn't...witnessing events normally a 9
year old wouldn't...one of the things i believe was..and still do...is
that...forgiveness is something which is never too late to do..It just
is...as long as your still walking around on the face of the earth...as
long as you haven't close your eyes..as long as your not buried in the
ground...you have the chance to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive
others...
I have a way of sometimes being too straight up..too upfront...and also
sometimes too stubborn..too strong-willed...i have always believed...and
still do...that...if i am confident and strongly believe on doing or
saying something...that it would help a great deal in a situation or that
a simple truth is to be told...that the person have to know this...be it
a feeling, a piece of emotion, details of an event or just a simple
perspective...i have to let it known...i find all ways and means to try
to let the person know...coz...i worry...if i dun get to let the truth be
known to him or her in time...it'll all be too late....everybody will
leave this place one day...and who wants to be THAT late....?
Don't tell me things that will leave me in a state of confusion...don't
manipulate me into doing things just so u thot u cud get what you want in
doing so...Don't plan anything with me if u know for sure ur fickle...
I'm just gonna make my point here...if i could say something in reply to
what you are telling me...Here it is...Although, i will
never...ever...disclose anybody's names...Here are the truths from
me...sincerely from me...
A: You have been very sweet to me..thank you for the gestures...you are
unique...and i like that...u kinda remind me of someone from my past...in
a good way dat is...
A1: You say we should meet up? When is that gonna happen?
A2: Stop asking me for money...
A3: Why are you so silent these days?
A4: Why do you have to always think too much?
A5: You got me again...Keep asking me whether i like you...tell me things
like you like me and all that...and then telling me you're 'targeting
this girl from facebook and that girl from tagged' simply leave me
confused...if that's the way it is..i'll tell you this...i dun appreciate
you implying to me i'm just an option in ur dating-to-find-a-wife
mission...
A6: No matter what...i will always be here waiting for the day when we're
gonna speak to each other again...
A7: One day...when you decide to come home...i hope you still know where
to find me...
B: Things seem to be different now huh?
D: You will always be my inspiration, my idol...i love you no matter what
she says...
D1: I think you're a sweet fren though sometimes i can't stand you
whining...
D2: Don't try to step on my toes...it's been going on long enough...
F: Stop complaining about things so much
F1: Stop being pretentious....and don't ask me for my opinions or advice
if u dun wanna hear them...and dun do me favours and bring it up just to
prove a point...
H: I still think about you...
L: Why did you have to 'drop-out'...? Now there's no chance for us
happening...
L1: I'm sorry i have to leave the 'group'...she tried to change you to be
like her...it made me angry...but not anymore...thank you for the
birthday wish u made on my old number last yr..i dun use that number
anymore..u shudn't have disabled ur facebook...
M: I will always try to make you happy...Dat's my promise...i love you
even if you don't love me as much...
M1: I am very sorry...i shouldn't have overstayed the other day...i feel
bad till now...i wish i hadn't done dat...i wish i had just walked
home...even if it's gonna take me hrs...i love you babe...ur always there
for me...
N: Even when others say ur whiny and u complain a lot...i know where
you're coming from with all those...hang in there babe...don't let others
treat you like a doormat....Speak up...
N1: Don't always do things halfway...
R: Don't brag so much
S: I told you i love your smile...i told you i'm crushing on you...and
you...didn't care....
S1: You're always bubbly..i like that..
S2: You're always in my heart my princess...
S3: I'm sorry i wasn't at your wedding...
S4: You sure that's all you're doing...? i sense you're falling for her
man...Luckily you only say you're thinking a little bit about a
chance...i hope you don't tell me the full story...coz if it isn't true,
i will walk away...
T: Thanks for being a nice guy to me...on and off...
W: How long are you gonna keep this up? All the things you keep telling
me have always been moot or are those really from your heart...? you
always make me confuse...the things you say to me...the things you do to
me..how to understand you if you are always ever-changing your ways...?
btw...i still love your eyes...in fact, i miss them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have my fair share of being misunderstood...Just know this...i mean it
when i say i am sincere...i mean it when i say i am loyal...i mean it
when i say i don't walk out on others...most times...they walk out on
me...well...with that being said...i know this post is rather scattered
and messy...i was brainstorming...i have to pour out the thots in my mind
rite now...my headache is getting worse..dunno if sleeping it off will
work..hope it does...gdnite....
P.S: I am sooooo dreading my appointment later today...
~Shahida~
Location: My Peaceful Room
Mood: Massive headache and migraine...
Song Playing: Saosin - Some Sense of Security
Many times i have been contemplating on whether or not i should post an
entry...for almost two months now....my mind doesn't wanna pour
out...instead...questions like..."Will anybody read it?" "Will i be
judged after my entries have been read..?" Probably my mind is just
messing with me...Giving me excuses not to post anything...
I have this super sick feeling in my guts right now..and i have a very
bad headache or rather migraine for letting all these nonsense fill my
mind...I have to get them out...People have to stop
talking..Please...stop...talking...It's really not helping...
Please don't tell me things if you know you're gonna do just the opposite
afterwards...It's sad...and heartbreaking...it feels like an extreme
betrayal on my side...being the one to listen to those empty words coming
out of your mouths...
Words...There are those that are empty...there are those that moves
you...and there are those that hurt....Lately...all i'm getting are the
empty and hurtful ones...Sometimes i wish...they were never uttered in
the first place...Like...do you even mean them...? Seriously...do you? if
you jolly well know that you don't, why say them? Please...and i am
asking this really nicely...Please stop talking...Please stop saying
you'll do this and that and then change your mind few minutes after...I
feel like a ball...being kicked around everywhere....it's tiring...and
what's even more tiring, is when i have to keep on biting my lower lip so
i won't say something bad in return....
I am really trying to change...and yes...i believe that if you try to do
something good...or just do something...there'll be consequences...you'll
be tested...even in ways u can never imagine...and i always believe
nothing is ever too late...like forgiveness...
When i was young...as young as 9 years old...when i started to understand
things normally a 9 year old wouldn't...witnessing events normally a 9
year old wouldn't...one of the things i believe was..and still do...is
that...forgiveness is something which is never too late to do..It just
is...as long as your still walking around on the face of the earth...as
long as you haven't close your eyes..as long as your not buried in the
ground...you have the chance to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive
others...
I have a way of sometimes being too straight up..too upfront...and also
sometimes too stubborn..too strong-willed...i have always believed...and
still do...that...if i am confident and strongly believe on doing or
saying something...that it would help a great deal in a situation or that
a simple truth is to be told...that the person have to know this...be it
a feeling, a piece of emotion, details of an event or just a simple
perspective...i have to let it known...i find all ways and means to try
to let the person know...coz...i worry...if i dun get to let the truth be
known to him or her in time...it'll all be too late....everybody will
leave this place one day...and who wants to be THAT late....?
Don't tell me things that will leave me in a state of confusion...don't
manipulate me into doing things just so u thot u cud get what you want in
doing so...Don't plan anything with me if u know for sure ur fickle...
I'm just gonna make my point here...if i could say something in reply to
what you are telling me...Here it is...Although, i will
never...ever...disclose anybody's names...Here are the truths from
me...sincerely from me...
A: You have been very sweet to me..thank you for the gestures...you are
unique...and i like that...u kinda remind me of someone from my past...in
a good way dat is...
A1: You say we should meet up? When is that gonna happen?
A2: Stop asking me for money...
A3: Why are you so silent these days?
A4: Why do you have to always think too much?
A5: You got me again...Keep asking me whether i like you...tell me things
like you like me and all that...and then telling me you're 'targeting
this girl from facebook and that girl from tagged' simply leave me
confused...if that's the way it is..i'll tell you this...i dun appreciate
you implying to me i'm just an option in ur dating-to-find-a-wife
mission...
A6: No matter what...i will always be here waiting for the day when we're
gonna speak to each other again...
A7: One day...when you decide to come home...i hope you still know where
to find me...
B: Things seem to be different now huh?
D: You will always be my inspiration, my idol...i love you no matter what
she says...
D1: I think you're a sweet fren though sometimes i can't stand you
whining...
D2: Don't try to step on my toes...it's been going on long enough...
F: Stop complaining about things so much
F1: Stop being pretentious....and don't ask me for my opinions or advice
if u dun wanna hear them...and dun do me favours and bring it up just to
prove a point...
H: I still think about you...
L: Why did you have to 'drop-out'...? Now there's no chance for us
happening...
L1: I'm sorry i have to leave the 'group'...she tried to change you to be
like her...it made me angry...but not anymore...thank you for the
birthday wish u made on my old number last yr..i dun use that number
anymore..u shudn't have disabled ur facebook...
M: I will always try to make you happy...Dat's my promise...i love you
even if you don't love me as much...
M1: I am very sorry...i shouldn't have overstayed the other day...i feel
bad till now...i wish i hadn't done dat...i wish i had just walked
home...even if it's gonna take me hrs...i love you babe...ur always there
for me...
N: Even when others say ur whiny and u complain a lot...i know where
you're coming from with all those...hang in there babe...don't let others
treat you like a doormat....Speak up...
N1: Don't always do things halfway...
R: Don't brag so much
S: I told you i love your smile...i told you i'm crushing on you...and
you...didn't care....
S1: You're always bubbly..i like that..
S2: You're always in my heart my princess...
S3: I'm sorry i wasn't at your wedding...
S4: You sure that's all you're doing...? i sense you're falling for her
man...Luckily you only say you're thinking a little bit about a
chance...i hope you don't tell me the full story...coz if it isn't true,
i will walk away...
T: Thanks for being a nice guy to me...on and off...
W: How long are you gonna keep this up? All the things you keep telling
me have always been moot or are those really from your heart...? you
always make me confuse...the things you say to me...the things you do to
me..how to understand you if you are always ever-changing your ways...?
btw...i still love your eyes...in fact, i miss them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have my fair share of being misunderstood...Just know this...i mean it
when i say i am sincere...i mean it when i say i am loyal...i mean it
when i say i don't walk out on others...most times...they walk out on
me...well...with that being said...i know this post is rather scattered
and messy...i was brainstorming...i have to pour out the thots in my mind
rite now...my headache is getting worse..dunno if sleeping it off will
work..hope it does...gdnite....
P.S: I am sooooo dreading my appointment later today...
~Shahida~
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