Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Witnessing harsh words

Date & Time: 23rd November 2011 (Wednesday) 12.44am
Location: My Secret Spot
Mood: Disappointment and hurt
Song Playing: Muse - Sing for Absolution


i feel like running away...although things like this isnt something new to me..it still manages to hurt me...I feel more alone than i was before...with the enormous dark cloud above my head...i just wish it will go away...but i have to wait...for another 12 days...time is running out...i cud feel from every sense in my body so strongly that he's slipping away...he can't...he can't do this to me...it will be injustice...but he's not the same anymore...i am worried...if i tell him wat has happened...he'll run away..then i'll have to go thru this alone...


Ppl are unaware...carrying weapons with them in their tongues...today...i got hurt..simply by words...the power of words spewed by a certain someone..living under the same roof...made me ran away..here..to this peaceful place...i can't be sure..i dun feel safe anywhere...


I have one qns for her..."if she's so reliable as u say she is...where is she now..? wouldn't she have been here for u?" 


It's true anger made ppl say hurtful things to others...cud be at that moment they simply lost their minds...but there is such a thing called conscience...y dun they divert their attention to that for a change? Instead...they just wanna use their weapons...hurting others seems to bring them satisfaction or rather contentment...


Sometimes i feel like a fool for arming my heart with a lot of love...they say love trumps hate...i wonder wat they think about that...i dun see dat happening here at all...neither at home.. nor amongst some other ppl..


Like i said before...sometimes my brain tells me its all not worth it anymore wen harsh words were spoken..promises were broken...but my heart is being retarded and doesnt stop caring...


Does it make me weak...? i really don't know...


Maybe i shud go away...the tribe has spoken...their leader doesnt want me here...i shud really go away...if dats the only way the rest cud be happy...

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Witnessing my voice

Date & Time: 1st September 2011 (Thursday) 10.43pm
Location: My Lovely Messy Room
Mood: Nervous
Song Playing: 30 Seconds To Mars - Beautiful Lie


Been a while yea...well, i've been bz trying to sort out the messiness in my life...only recently i fell pretty hard and i hit the ground pretty hard too to realise all the bullshit was just a blardy waste of my precious precious time....There's only 3 things that can make you my enemy....1) Disturb my family and very very close frens (whom i call my sisters and brothers) in any wicked possible way....2) Make me cry too much (especially angry tears) 3) Anyone who has a 'fetish' on wasting my precious time....Other than that, i don't believe in hating...Hate is an extremely strong word....i hate to use the word hate in my dictionary...so don't push me...


Don't mind me saying wats on my mind...its my 'voice'...not yours...so back off...for the many times i let people say things to my face...its only fair i do the same....


Anyway...am not here to talk rubbish...but just sharing thoughts....i was just taking a break on my neverending mission of clearing up the 'trash' in my room and getting my 'interview uniform' ready for tomorrow....My God...i'm so nervous...my 1st ever interview so far...(speech cough..erhem erhem) Ladies and Gentlemen...I would like to thank my lovelies...my mum..my dad...my brothers and sisters....for the best moral support given to me this whole day...Shuk-ran! Jazakallah Khair...=D


Yes...i have a job interview scheduled for me tomorrow...and i pray i get a job soon so i can continue to have a stable enough income to get me by....Insya-Allah....looking at the four walls here is getting me bored and restless...


A great start to a new month i should say...for all the mess i faced in the past month...Masya-Allah...Don't get me wrong...i have fret over it quite enough and am not gonna fret over it all anymore right now...Instead...i am grateful to Allah that i have actually found a part of me which i lost in the midst of all the setbacks...Doesn't matter wat anyone do to me...say about me...trying to bring me down...Allah knows best...As the famous quote goes..."Patience is virtue..and virtue is grace"....


I always have these words in my mind...Words from a late fren of mine....He says something like these...."Picture this...Ur pushed into a hole...trapped..people throw sand at u....instead of thinking ur gonna be stuck in there and buried alive...u shud start collecting all that sand...and build from the base of the hole and eventually...the ground will be high enough for u to get out of the hole..." The best advice and moving wisdom words i ever heard in my life....and i couldn't thank Allah enough for letting me know this wonderful fren of mine...May Allah rest his soul in peace....


Now...to reckon....there'll be only a few ppl who reads my blog...and for those who happen to stumble to my page of thoughts here....As uninteresting as it is...its not here to bad-mouth, criticise, backbite, degrade, defame, insult or trash anyone...(couldn't think of any more synonyms to describe dat bad act) I am just writing these as my "voice" in my mind...to share...A word of advice...Please don't continue reading it if you can't handle it. Thank you.


And on that note...i declare that i am hungry rite now....gonna go find food....Goodynite ppl... I-lal liqaa' Take care....


~Shahida~

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Witnessing my downfall

Date & Time: 7th August 2011, 3.24am (Sunday)
Location: My Room
Mood: Healing
Song Playing: Adele - Set Fire To The Rain

I cried a lot earlier in the day....Accumulative pain, anger, disappointment...u name it...i felt it....i couldn't stop...all these while, the negative emotions i felt and bottled up inside me exploded from in within me....i cried...i didn't stop...not yet...i couldn't understand all the emotions stirring up inside me....all i know...i need to get it all out...

When i eventually stopped...i sat staring out the window to the sky....all the images in past events that went through my mind wen i was having the mental breakdown a while ago starts to vanish...i imagined it all burned down....perished...i'm killing it all....i know deep inside that all those things that happened has its own specific reason...it could be somethings i should learn from...somethings i should stay away from coz its bad for me...somethings dat i should take note being signals to warn me of future events...

I chose..to kill it all...burn it all....i'll self-destruct now....to be reborn again....to take things to a new perspective....to move on...not look back...and start anew....

So what if others couldnt be bothered with me..so what if others wanna talk about me...so what if others wanna test my patience....so what if others wanna step on my toes....so what if others wanna stab me on my back...so what.....

Yeah...i dun really do well on some things in my life..yeah...i lost my job on Friday...yeah...i didn't see that one coming...yeah...i thought i was the one who was gonna walk away from that piece of craphole....yea...bla bla bla....

But its not the end of the world...i'm just ending the phase of this so-called 'black patch'....i am rising from my downfall....

Note to self: We musn't look upon ppl who have more..but look upon ppl who have less...Only then, we will humbly know where we stand...

~Shahida~

Friday, June 3, 2011

Witnessing passing cars

Date & Time: 3rd June 2011, Friday, 9.56pm
Location: SMU Big Steps
Mood: Sane
Song Playing: Madina Lake - Through The Pain


Sitting here eating sausage balls...watching cars passing by in front of the Singapore Art Museum....went for my treatment earlier...feel relaxed now...its Friday and i'm in town alone...it doesnt feel so bad afterall...quite calming actually...maybe i shud do dis often yea....tmr isnt a working day..so i dun have to worry abt getting hm so early tonite...just chillout and enjoy my time alone...the sounds from the water fountain feels soothing enuf...shud be gd for my relaxing mind...enjoying every minute of this...


I wonder wat everybody else is doing...probably out partying..out with their partners...out for dinner...out for a movie date...missing the feeling wen i used to have too many frens that i almost didnt have time to be sitting here alone and enjoying this peaceful scene...it seems like yesterday was just a dream...those days are over..they're just memories...buried but nvr forgotten...the ppl i used to walk with...those who have made me..and those who have destroyed me...wat are they doing now? Some probably living the life they dream of...some probably still struggle like how i am nw...well watever it is...we are who we are...we are responsible for our own actions...


Moving on..dun wanna be getting myself too carried away reminiscing abt old atories nw... Tmr afternoon i'm planning to get my kite out again..lets make it fly high shall we..hope the weather wud be on our side tmr..:D


~shahida~

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Witnessing pointless stuff

Date &Time: 18th May 2011 11.53pm Wednesday
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Neutral
Song Playing: Haste the Day - Porcelain

Here is something i hadnt done for quite some time now....have started to frequently write in my journal lately i totally forgot abt my blog....Typed out the name of my blog on google and i found this song i hadnt been listening to for so long...Anyways....i dunno y i'm here...just need to pass time i guess...

Have been lazing around in my room when it occurred to me to visit my blog...Reading my past entries...made me realise that i've been wasting too much time thinking about pointless stuff...

I need to change all these....So...all these pointless stuff will be thrown away...

I'm taking a step back...from all the madness...i think i've done quite enuf for now...i'm just gonna sit here and take a breather....

Just a note for some...if u dunno me...dun pretend u do...

~Shahida~

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Witnessing broken pieces

Date & Time: 10th April 2011 (Sunday) 3.08am
Location: My Secret Place
Mood: In Pieces
Song Playing: The Script - For the First Time

Sitting alone here....as usual this place is quiet and lonely....only the moon and the stars to keep me company....for all the memories held in this beautiful, peaceful place....gave me a nostalgic feeling....shadows from the past...tried to haunt me....making me feel gloomier than i oreadi am....

My heart didnt stop breaking....from earlier on...till this moment....yeap...its broken again...when at the beginning of the year...i promised my heart that i will be extra careful with it....now...its broken again...i shudn't have mended it and give it to someone who didnt bother in the 1st place....now dat all has been done....only left me feeling dumb and stupid...

What else is there...? Only silence...only me...alone....unaccepted in every way possible...shud have known...all the care, the words, the touch, the feel...were illusions...if rite now i were to show u my scarred heart....i know u won't take a glimpse of it.....

i admit...on the earlier part of the story....i didnt want to breathe u in....i was scared...my greatest fear after walking the earth for 28 yrs...was love....after which....slowly....i saw...u showed so many things dat made me wanna take the hand u offered with the most sincere trust i had in u.....finally...i feel...accepted....my heart shouts "He wants to walk with me....! Someone is here to shine a ray of light in my path of life.....! This is it...! Thank u God...!"

Now....i'm standing on the same path....but with darkness surrounding me instead of the ray of light....trying to make my way back home....more like dragging my feet than really walking....trying my best to hold up my head....but all i cud do is look at the ground....eyes filled with tears....and after a while....can't even see the ground i'm dragging my feet on.....

For the many times this happens.....the hurt and pain i feel becomes greater than the one b4....i'm only waiting for it to make me go insanely crazy....No words cud express it all....only sounds...the sound of my heart crying...."Please stop..! Please dun make me feel this again...! Its gonna break me....!"

Helplessly....i say...too late....i'm sorry...i only have myself to blame for this....i shud have known i'm never good enough for anyone....i'm sorry i put u out there as the sacrifice....i promise i'll put u back together nicely someday...when i'm ready...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Witnessing unappreciated

Date & Time: 23rd March 2011, 2am Wednesday
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Disappointed
Song Playing : Dashboard Confessional - Again i Go Unnoticed

The room feels empty again....Only the sound of the songs playing on my playlist...The nights...feel so long....nothing really fills me anymore....They say love is about giving....doesnt matter what kind of love we're talking about here....giving out so much aren't enough....so wat's enough then? and i'm not even talking about this materialistically or moneywise...What i'm talking about is what anyone cant buy, cant gauge its value with any form of matter.....I guess nowadays none are concerned with all dat...

I dun need things, materials or even sweet words....to me...all that has no value....if the most valuable things in life is not present...Things and materials will break and spoil one day....sweet words are just sweet words.....meaningless....to me....talk is cheap....i dun want all that....i just dun want...sweet words make me sick....sick....sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk................

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Witnessing those i used to know...

Date & Time: 7th March 2011, Monday, 2.05am
Location: My messy room
Mood: Weird
Song Playing: Fishtank - What About You??

It's Monday....gosh...i can't get myself to sleep...kicking myself now for sleeping late on saturday nite and waking up late on sunday....wth....anyways....i've been at hm my whole sunday....resting, watching myself on TV, chatting, browsing thru ppl's profiles on FB and cleaning my room...Clearing up stuff in my room was like neverending and even now....there's still so many things to clear out....found a lot of weird stuff...old stuff...stupid stuff...stuff i've nvr used and stuff dat just need to be thrown away....some of the stuff got me thinking abt the ppl i used to know...or rather guys i used to know, dated some, been with....blah blah....

Let me tell you what i think...i think the reasons why almost all of them are now no longer here other than the reason 'everyone come and go' are coz we dun click....of course....i know myself....i have a weird way of thinking....dat only certain ppl cud understand....but then again...nobody can truly understand one another...but to some point, we all just do.....anyways....let me lay out some typical guys i get so irked out with....

The liars and the betrayers....the most critical....i bet dis dun just happen to guys...girls too...individuals i wud say....wen ppl lie or betray.....the sense of trust is perished...why all the drama? such a waste of time...seriously...all the lies and betrayal are so unnecessary....when we're honest with each other on most things....we all cud be happier...letting the trust build strong and firm....nobody gets hurt...we can actually help each other out in some ways....and it can also act as something dat cud let the love grow stronger....if it applies in relationships....it means...u cud both count on each other on a lot of things...coz both cud trust each other strongly....

The self-absorbed....everything is about them...selfish and self-centred....isn't this whole thing is about the BOTH of us...?? how come all i hear is 'me, i'....*shuts the mouth*....hey hey....u talk about urself too much....where the hell am i? of course it works both ways....if all the time ur the one talking....i think the other person's ear wud fall off after some time...why can't do things together...? talking takes both to play the two roles....the speaker and the listener...if ur only thinking abt yourself...why dun u go date, get into a relationship and get married to urself?

The materialist....i bet dis one happens to most of us.....guys AND girls....ever happen to you? let's see...the scene wud be....the easiest example....transportation.....girls wud fall for guys with bikes or cars....coz dat wud mean they can get to be brought around places they wanna go....but guys....heyyyy...dun be surprised....there are guys who look at this as important....wth rite...i know...i've come across this....goodness....wats up with dat? i dunno how they wud think of girls having transportations...probably its cool to have a date or a gf who rides a bike or drives a car....i wud say....well....one day wen we die....all the materials we have in this world will not follow us to the grave.....and dat is a fact...

The weak and cowardly.....i dun mean to say this so dat the guys out there can act irritatingly macho and all...well...i wud give my opinion as this....for every individual....every individual has got their weaknesses and strengths....but to those who are always afraid of this and afraid of that...simply says they wud give up easily on things....wat if there are bigger problems to face....? are u gonna go hide somewhere? if we're talking abt a relationship....when two get together, they become stronger...but if one is always weak....the other one end up fighting the battle alone....and everything else will soon crumble coz the relationship can't be strong enuf to stand....

The fickles...like make up ur damn mind...its either u want this or not....no fifty2...no hanging by the thread shit...no trying...if u want ppl to treat u fair....treat urself and others fair too....stop and think.....in doing this something, wud it make u sad, uncomfortable, hurt or other unpleasant feelings...it wud also probably make the other person feel the same way.....again...it takes two....gotta think both ways man....

The shallow-face-value-high-standards....this one's funny to me....always get me so lazy to be saying this.....everybody's born beautiful....its all about where the beauty lies and where it comes from in each and every one of us.....find the beauty in everything in the world...look deeper if u still can't see any....dun be so shallow about it.....it's such a turn-off man....

Well...dat about wraps up everything i wanna say...and i'm getting sleepy...watever it is...dun just take my word for it....afterall...all of us are humans....the world wud be a dull place if everyone's the same....in regards to relationships....do watever works for both....

~Shahida~

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Witnessing Silence

Date & Time: 2nd March 2011, 1.32am Wednesday
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Empty
Song Playing: You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds - Mayday Parade


Deafening silence...Lack of enthusiasm...it is something i fear very much...so great i cud feel its not only piercing to my ears....but very much to my heart....i'm weakening...i am very close to just throwing my hands up in the air and scream "i give up...!"


Leave me in silence...if dat is gonna make everyone else laugh till they cry....all i needed....is.......................................................................answer that for me if u will...coz i dunno anymore wat i need....i only feel emptiness and silence surrounding me...

Friday, February 18, 2011

Witnessing my stand

Date & Time: 19th February 2011, Saturday, 1.58am
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Confused
Song Playing : The Ataris - I Remember You

This life feels like its swinging back and forth without progression. Like a pendulum...Tied to a string...not moving...stuck...held by a thread...

Looking towards where i think i should get myself to. Questions run in my mind like a ratrace...Scattered...uneven...Walking back, i tried to trace my footsteps...Somehow only the recent footprints still visible...Only there for a fleeting moment...waiting to be erased...

In this life we have, what are we searching for? Like...exactly...what...are...we...searching for? I too won't know the answer...So is everybody else...Some would say, they're searching for what they need...But...what next? If i may answer that question with my own piece of mind...I would say,i'm searching for my place...Where is my place here? Where do i stand...? Where do i belong?

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Witnessing me fading away

Date and Time: 27th January 2011 (Thursday) 12.55am
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Neutral
Song Playing: My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You

Some might think i'm strange and weird...some might think i'm stubborn and hot headed..some might think i'm pathetic and weak...some might think i'm dumb and stupid....but i dun really pay attention to all these nonsense....judging me isnt gonna break me...or make me any different from those who say things abt me...wat makes them think they noe me better than they noe themselves...

So wat if i'm strange and weird...i'm just not into the typical and the copycats...so wat if i'm stubborn and hot headed....i'm stubborn wen i believe in the truth...and hot headed isnt really my style...so wat if i'm pathetic and weak...other ppl dunno the whole story of my life and wat right does that give them to say such...so wat if i'm dumb and stupid...everybody has their moments...that's the moment to learn our life lessons...

One by one i put off the thoughts i have in every single aspect of my life....family...friendship...relationship...socializing...work...etc etc....i've shunned myself from most of it now...lately i find myself letting go of things i cant believe in...words...thoughts...actions...from some ppl around me...made me stray away....they're not truths...i cannot make myself believe all those anymore...i dun have time to be naive at this point....i just can't...

When i need to make myself happy...i just imagine...or just go right out and do what i want...as long as i dun trouble anyone or create any trouble for myself...its all fine right...? So wats the fuss abt...? Y get on my case? accept me for who i am and i will do the same...just remember...we reap wat we sow...