Sunday, January 6, 2013

Witnessing my existence

Date & Time: 7th January 2013, Monday, 12.59am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Dishwalla - Angels or Devils
Mood: Defeated

I've been putting off writing for a while now.....I don't know why....Just do....Many times i wanted to...i just didn't know what to write about....Lately...there are many things happening...Just didn't know how to report about them....Fear, worry, confusion....my mind is filled with so many things..but yet my heart feels empty....and perhaps broken and scarred in so many ways one could imagine.....

The timeline of my life....me hitting rock bottom....has carved its way more than me floating in blissfulness.....I question my existence sometimes....i guess i'm not supposed to.....Just be here....Words i've always told the many people who has come into and left my life....Most times...no matter what happens...

Don't get me wrong....i'm not writing this down to keep score....but just putting it out there....to tell myself where i actually stand....and where do i stand....? Amidst everyone....but alone....So what does it mean? 

I've been in my room since Friday after i came back from dinner....and since then...no one messaged or called me to ask me if i was okay....or just to say hello....being by myself...was nothing new to me....i've always been able to be by myself most times....and i didn't mind....we start in this world alone....and when we leave...it won't be any different.....Just saying...while we're all still here....does it hurt to say things we wish to say to each other?

My mission...has started since i was young...i couldn't put an exact age to it....but it has been since i was able to think for myself.....i have slipped....fallen...mentally died....skinned my knee...used....betrayed....heartbroken...etc etc....along the way....but my one mission still hasn't been complete....i vow to carry it and continue till my last breath...As long as my Creator sets my life in this world and until He takes it away.....

I like to daydream alot....though no one really notices....i daydream of simple things...major things...weird things....daydreaming to simply about me sitting in my spot at the park to eating fondue with a dream guy....sometimes i daydream about memories....about how i could have done things differently....but i would never forget reality.....it's just one of my many ways to stand up and go through my days....

I'm not those u can call a quitter....sometimes yes...i do give up on things or people....but as it always have....as long as there's still no ultimatum to the situation...i will still be here....waiting...and i'm not talking about the classic Richard Marx ballad from the late 80s.....what i mean is.....i will be here waiting...for something to happen...some kind of faith? i'm not sure....maybe...its habit...or just my style.....

In the two days i've been at home....coming out of my room only to talk to my parents and brother for a while and just getting food from the kitchen....i've been watching tv shows and sitcoms i could find online....a lot things in my mind i wanted to get done....random stuff...but comes with a lot of courage and a bit of emotion to do.....but i didn't....i couldn't...i think....i'm still not sure....i wanted to msg Ar.....to apologise...but i didn't...i think it was kind of redundant...now that he's not speaking to me i think was coz either his head has got too big or he got pissed when he called me at work to ask me for sales favours for his new job....i wanted to called Ad.....to also apologise...for blowing him off on Friday evening...for not wanting to go out with him....i just don't do last minutes....not my style...but he did try...just wrong timing...i didn't really wanna be around him much anymore....he's tasting his own medicine...he brought most of this on himself....when i was still the person who didn't give up on him before....he's coming to me now...it's already kinda late for all that....

My phone was silent...except for my two best friends, my brother and mum....as usual....and i'm grateful....the people i need....i love them with all my heart....

As for my friends and acquaintances...they're just around....and the only times they bothered to acknowledge my existence is when they have problems or need something....i am not sure what their actual intentions are though...just reporting what i know....of course i don't know everything....but i say things as it is.....one thing...i wish and pray they're all fine....i'm not asking them to miss me or anything....i bet some will think i'm into them or something...but i think what's fair is to say...i'm just concerned...don't know why....just do....if they decide to leave....i hope they would consider to acknowledge my existence one last time and say goodbye...it'll be a hard thing to swallow...but i know that's just how it works....People will leave....one way or another.....

The other day.....i was called names and said to be hated by Ad.....he says also that i have this problem...that he noticed i have this anger with men.....he's not all wrong....but i wouldn't use the word anger...however.... this is my explanation....i'm not a sexist...or anti-men....or seeking out revenge....but most guys i've known since young....has done nothing but hurt me badly...has betrayed me...lied to me..cheated on me....ruined my life....dumped me...discriminated against me.....used me....left me for dead...took away precious amounts of things from me....and many many other depressing things....i'm just saying...i'm hard on them....coz i know...they don't think i deserve to be happy....i know they think i'm not up to standard....like S...he's over his head...he thinks i have feelings for him....he's one of those who ever told me he wouldn't look at me as a person he wants to be with becoz of my past....he constantly kept saying 'Thank you my friend..' 'You are my friend...' etc etc....emphasizing on the word 'friend'....if i am really your friend S...then just be my friend...act like one....J...he's pulling all his strings to see if i am on to him...but i didn't really react...he may be picking up on signals from me...but wasn't in my intentions...one thing i can say is...when i care..i show...when i don't....well...too bad....they think they can put me at my place...but what they don't know is that..i'm just taking care of myself when i can and when i'm supposed to....why would i be on to people who couldn't care less if i am in their lives or not...and that what i do or did which makes me human bothered them so much......

I've thought about things...much....i've decided on saying goodbye to some people...here's what i plan to do....tell them how i feel about them....apologise...and accept their last words to me....and leave....i think that would be the best thing to do for everyone...i am really sorry for everything...if Allah lets us all cross paths again one day...so be it....i'm not an unfriendly person...when i see a face i know...i'm sure to acknowledge them if the situation permits...

Again...i'm not seeking out revenge...if i was....then i must be living a past....i'm not that person anymore...i know that very well about myself....i learnt throughout my bad experiences that there is a greater power....greater is an understatement....correction...there is a Great Power....the only One who sees all things and has records of what's happening....i don't have to step up to do vengeful things to other people...coz then...i'll just be like them...we reap what we sow...that phrase is true....same rule applies to me...if i do exactly what they do to me....then i'll have to face the Great Power...and that i fear.....

What i'll do is to continue....with my life....i'll continue to pray...daydream and wish for things i want to achieve....i want to catch my blissful moment once again...be it here...or be it some place else....i'll continue to pray...that as long as i live...to also seek knowledge wherever it is....to get a Diploma...maybe teach some...i know i am a slow learner...but i don't quit easily.....i will continue to daydream about having a simple   yet elegant wedding...a good marriage with a good husband who will the most kindest...loving...caring...intelligent...physically and mentally compatible person for me...as how i will for him....he will always believe in me...trust me...love me..kind to me...support and encourage me...share secrets and interests with me...go through struggles and hurdles together...be my everything....have wonderful children who will create and begin a good generation in my family tree....i will continue to wish for enough blessings from Almighty God....and one day....travel to the places i wanted to go and one in particular to perform my duty as a Muslim....and make beautiful memories....

Before i leave the face of the earth...i really pray Allah will keep me in the Straight path as much as possible...and enough for me to be in his Hereafter....i will keep on doing what i do...in hopes of doing better till my last breath.....InsyaAllah.....

~SHAHIDA~