tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76158844697762064512024-02-08T06:26:07.274-08:00The WitnessUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-82560560038573756572013-01-06T10:31:00.000-08:002013-01-06T10:31:53.928-08:00Witnessing my existence<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 7th January 2013, Monday, 12.59am</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Location: My Room</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Song Playing: Dishwalla - Angels or Devils</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Mood: Defeated</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've been putting off writing for a while now.....I don't know why....Just do....Many times i wanted to...i just didn't know what to write about....Lately...there are many things happening...Just didn't know how to report about them....Fear, worry, confusion....my mind is filled with so many things..but yet my heart feels empty....and perhaps broken and scarred in so many ways one could imagine.....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The timeline of my life....me hitting rock bottom....has carved its way more than me floating in blissfulness.....I question my existence sometimes....i guess i'm not supposed to.....Just be here....Words i've always told the many people who has come into and left my life....Most times...no matter what happens...</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Don't get me wrong....i'm not writing this down to keep score....but just putting it out there....to tell myself where i actually stand....and where do i stand....? Amidst everyone....but alone....So what does it mean? </span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've been in my room since Friday after i came back from dinner....and since then...no one messaged or called me to ask me if i was okay....or just to say hello....being by myself...was nothing new to me....i've always been able to be by myself most times....and i didn't mind....we start in this world alone....and when we leave...it won't be any different.....Just saying...while we're all still here....does it hurt to say things we wish to say to each other?</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My mission...has started since i was young...i couldn't put an exact age to it....but it has been since i was able to think for myself.....i have slipped....fallen...mentally died....skinned my knee...used....betrayed....heartbroken...etc etc....along the way....but my one mission still hasn't been complete....i vow to carry it and continue till my last breath...As long as my Creator sets my life in this world and until He takes it away.....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I like to daydream alot....though no one really notices....i daydream of simple things...major things...weird things....daydreaming to simply about me sitting in my spot at the park to eating fondue with a dream guy....sometimes i daydream about memories....about how i could have done things differently....but i would never forget reality.....it's just one of my many ways to stand up and go through my days....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm not those u can call a quitter....sometimes yes...i do give up on things or people....but as it always have....as long as there's still no ultimatum to the situation...i will still be here....waiting...and i'm not talking about the classic Richard Marx ballad from the late 80s.....what i mean is.....i will be here waiting...for something to happen...some kind of faith? i'm not sure....maybe...its habit...or just my style.....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In the two days i've been at home....coming out of my room only to talk to my parents and brother for a while and just getting food from the kitchen....i've been watching tv shows and sitcoms i could find online....a lot things in my mind i wanted to get done....random stuff...but comes with a lot of courage and a bit of emotion to do.....but i didn't....i couldn't...i think....i'm still not sure....i wanted to msg Ar.....to apologise...but i didn't...i think it was kind of redundant...now that he's not speaking to me i think was coz either his head has got too big or he got pissed when he called me at work to ask me for sales favours for his new job....i wanted to called Ad.....to also apologise...for blowing him off on Friday evening...for not wanting to go out with him....i just don't do last minutes....not my style...but he did try...just wrong timing...i didn't really wanna be around him much anymore....he's tasting his own medicine...he brought most of this on himself....when i was still the person who didn't give up on him before....he's coming to me now...it's already kinda late for all that....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My phone was silent...except for my two best friends, my brother and mum....as usual....and i'm grateful....the people i need....i love them with all my heart....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As for my friends and acquaintances...they're just around....and the only times they bothered to acknowledge my existence is when they have problems or need something....i am not sure what their actual intentions are though...just reporting what i know....of course i don't know everything....but i say things as it is.....one thing...i wish and pray they're all fine....i'm not asking them to miss me or anything....i bet some will think i'm into them or something...but i think what's fair is to say...i'm just concerned...don't know why....just do....if they decide to leave....i hope they would consider to acknowledge my existence one last time and say goodbye...it'll be a hard thing to swallow...but i know that's just how it works....People will leave....one way or another.....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The other day.....i was called names and said to be hated by Ad.....he says also that i have this problem...that he noticed i have this anger with men.....he's not all wrong....but i wouldn't use the word anger...however.... this is my explanation....i'm not a sexist...or anti-men....or seeking out revenge....but most guys i've known since young....has done nothing but hurt me badly...has betrayed me...lied to me..cheated on me....ruined my life....dumped me...discriminated against me.....used me....left me for dead...took away precious amounts of things from me....and many many other depressing things....i'm just saying...i'm hard on them....coz i know...they don't think i deserve to be happy....i know they think i'm not up to standard....like S...he's over his head...he thinks i have feelings for him....he's one of those who ever told me he wouldn't look at me as a person he wants to be with becoz of my past....he constantly kept saying 'Thank you my friend..' 'You are my friend...' etc etc....emphasizing on the word 'friend'....if i am really your friend S...then just be my friend...act like one....J...he's pulling all his strings to see if i am on to him...but i didn't really react...he may be picking up on signals from me...but wasn't in my intentions...one thing i can say is...when i care..i show...when i don't....well...too bad....they think they can put me at my place...but what they don't know is that..i'm just taking care of myself when i can and when i'm supposed to....why would i be on to people who couldn't care less if i am in their lives or not...and that what i do or did which makes me human bothered them so much......</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I've thought about things...much....i've decided on saying goodbye to some people...here's what i plan to do....tell them how i feel about them....apologise...and accept their last words to me....and leave....i think that would be the best thing to do for everyone...i am really sorry for everything...if Allah lets us all cross paths again one day...so be it....i'm not an unfriendly person...when i see a face i know...i'm sure to acknowledge them if the situation permits...</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Again...i'm not seeking out revenge...if i was....then i must be living a past....i'm not that person anymore...i know that very well about myself....i learnt throughout my bad experiences that there is a greater power....greater is an understatement....correction...there is a Great Power....the only One who sees all things and has records of what's happening....i don't have to step up to do vengeful things to other people...coz then...i'll just be like them...we reap what we sow...that phrase is true....same rule applies to me...if i do exactly what they do to me....then i'll have to face the Great Power...and that i fear.....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">What i'll do is to continue....with my life....i'll continue to pray...daydream and wish for things i want to achieve....i want to catch my blissful moment once again...be it here...or be it some place else....i'll continue to pray...that as long as i live...to also seek knowledge wherever it is....to get a Diploma...maybe teach some...i know i am a slow learner...but i don't quit easily.....i will continue to daydream about having a simple yet elegant wedding...a good marriage with a good husband who will the most kindest...loving...caring...intelligent...physically and mentally compatible person for me...as how i will for him....he will always believe in me...trust me...love me..kind to me...support and encourage me...share secrets and interests with me...go through struggles and hurdles together...be my everything....have wonderful children who will create and begin a good generation in my family tree....i will continue to wish for enough blessings from Almighty God....and one day....travel to the places i wanted to go and one in particular to perform my duty as a Muslim....and make beautiful memories....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Before i leave the face of the earth...i really pray Allah will keep me in the Straight path as much as possible...and enough for me to be in his Hereafter....i will keep on doing what i do...in hopes of doing better till my last breath.....InsyaAllah.....</span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">~SHAHIDA~</span></div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-25994447215230092502012-12-09T11:09:00.001-08:002012-12-09T11:09:47.267-08:00Witnessing hard heartedness<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 10th December 2012, Monday 2.41am</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Location: My Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Song Playing: Ariel - Someone Like You (Adele Cover)</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Mood: Numb</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Have i become so hard hearted that i myself didn't even notice what i am doing? I haven't cried..for quite a long time since the last tear dropped....Last yr, on this very date....i was crying out of remorse...and for someone who i believe has nvr has any feelings for me....He was just using me....and it had hurt me a lot...and i found myself turning back to Allah...the Greatest power that could turn all sadness into smiles...and also the other way around...i had no one....my family didn't know much about my personal life...my bestfriends....they were there....but only to provide comfort...but not salvation....i needed to change...and so i did...i attempted...and this yr...i think i only manage to change only a fraction of myself....i could tell myself something as comforting as 'Well, at least you tried' but....another part of me still feels that it wasn't enough....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I'm not saying that i don't believe that Allah is the Greatest power....i just feel that it would be nice...to have a saviour in human form...so i can at least feel that i am somewhere right....somewhere i'm supposed to be...i just feel that it would be nice...that from time to time...when i'm lost...or when i feel that i'm lost...someone would come and take my hand....and bring me back to where i'm supposed to be....but....everywhere i turned...all i see...are walls....closing in on me....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I tried....to act like nothing is hurting me...but....honestly...alot is hurting me....i'm trying my best to let things go....and move on...but whenever i try....i dunno where i am supposed to go and move on....i'm numb....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Today....that someone who keep saying that he wants to be with me...and always giving me a hard time to trust him...is doing one of his usual scheming....why....? why do he always resort to hurting me in those ways....? and...what am i supposed to do about it all? </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I wish...i have all the answers to these questions....but somehow...in the process....of becoming so hard hearted has made me not wanna be bothered to ask anymore....and the most frustrating thing is that....when i see it....the things he do just to hurt me....it made my stomach turn....it made me feel sick.....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind...i thought that when i am so intoxicated with medication because i am still recovering from this common cold i had in the past week would make me stop thinking and put my mind at ease...at least for awhile...it doesn't.....i feel more like a failure...in everything...i thought..."hey....let's go seize the day...' but i couldnt build the courage..to do the things i thought of that would level me up to seizing the day....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">i did...wanted to reveal feelings to few people i know....feelings i kept so secured inside....i think i've moved on from Ar....but i can't seem to move on from the feelings i kept of W....and Ad....what's that all about.... ? i keep running all the facts i have....am i trying to create reasons to walk away from him...or am i just not seeing things right.....? its not like we are anything...or that i have any kind of special relationships with them....its just....i think something is throwing off me the rails...and its frustrating me that i can't move to do anything better for myself in any of it.....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Don't get me wrong.....i am not desperate to be united with just anyone in marriage....its just that...i am on a mission...although sometimes i admit...i backslided....but i don't think it is wrong for me to wait for that one person who understands where i'm coming from and that i am on an important mission...a mission to be closer to Allah....i'm not asking for a pious Ustaz or Imam.....just someone....who is willing enough to walk this journey with me...and that he understands how important it is to me and that it is also something important to him....Ya Allah....help me....i really really need you....if there's a chance for me to be with that person....i hope...he stop hiding already.....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I am sorry for everything....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">~SHAHIDA~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-38282731784863504512012-11-11T09:42:00.003-08:002012-11-11T09:42:51.202-08:00<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 12th November 2012, Monday 1.38am</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Location: My Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Song Playing: None</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mood: Lonely</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am feeling lonelier than ever....i have so limited friends at the moment...my social life is shrinking....i'm not angry...i'm just frustrated....i have never had any problems making friends anywhere i go...from young....but now....everything's different....just different....=(</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-43115342351631388232012-11-05T10:56:00.001-08:002012-11-05T10:57:35.437-08:00Witnessing explanations<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Date & Time: 6th November 2012 (Tuesday) 2am</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Location: My Room</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Song Playing: Wali Band - Ya Allah</span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Mood: Sad</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Bismillahirrahmannirrahim.....</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">It has been a while since my last post..A lot has happened since then....Plenty....but i guess i'll just write about recent events which actually brought me back here....writing about things sometimes feels better than talking to anyone....i have been feeling down lately....not of a particular reason...but for so many reasons....i may seem to be ungrateful to some who likes to judge based on just the mere things they see or hear...Well, here's something for ya judgemental minds out there..i don't owe anyone any explanations to how i do things...or run my life....thank you very much and please know that it is really none of your business....If u wud want to sincerely provide me advice, perspective or help....please do...and know that i am grateful and i appreciate every bit of it....</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Ever since Sunday....i have been feeling sad throughout...words that was said to me....pierced me much into my heart....but i didnt want to get defensive...Allah knows best....the words that were presented might come out harsh...but i may not know how they were intended considering i felt pain inside after they were being said to me...that i might have perceived them wrongly for myself in my own knowledge....but i thought it might be better for me to just portray my defense here instead as no one really reads this page of mine....</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">But first, let me just make it clear that i do not intend to hurt anyone or offend anyone with whatever i write in here....its just self expression and self reflection that always brings me to writing in this sad looking blog of mine...</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Sometimes i say the words 'I don't know' or 'Sorry' too many times in my conversations because i am afraid that i would hurt others with my words....growing up....i was raised in harsh ways and called to with harsh terms....somehow....it has lived with me much and some didnt outgrow me at all....so...forgive me for that..</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">I am feeling so much guilt of something i feel that i may not have done enough or i may have done too much or i may not have done anything about.....i care about him...afterall, he is the only one left....my other sibling has gone far away from us....but i never forget her, even though we are of different faiths now....Anyways,,,back to the matter at hand....i really wanna help him get back on his feet and help him find his way in life...InsyaAllah...but he is his own person...i did what i could do...as much as i could do...i passed him advices...perspectives...information....softness...care....and a lot more.....and know this...i may be slow to respond or execute things...but i dun give up easily....Allah please don't wear me out on strength and patience....but...one also should know....we can't help a person who doesnt want to be helped....May Allah guide him and show him the way...he will always be in my prayers...InsyaAllah....Ya Rabb, please take care of him....</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Ya Allah....i seek your forgiveness.....</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Recently, i told myself...i am on a mission....next year....many things will be different...truthfully...i am almost there on the first phase....i have also told myself to not look back and live in the past....but only to reflect on them so that i can move forward...InsyaAllah....but in the process...i may have lost many things...and people in my life....as much as i appreciate and am grateful to know them....if there is a need for us to go on our separate ways...let it be so....Ya Allah, it is not in my intentions to severe relationships...just to give space for we are different in many ways...</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Many of my friends may know me well enough...but for some....they may not....i am not going to explain myself anymore...Not in the basis of arrogance...but i believe...if the truth is supposed to be out...it will be...i am thinking of closing down my facebook account as it doesnt serve me much purpose as much as it only gave me reasons for others to doubt me..and judge me...and i drown in fitnahs..Astaghfirullah....</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Well...for now...i will just say this...i might provide some answers to the questions that i might not be able to hear.....i am my own person....still am...i do not intend to marry yet..as i am still looking for someone suitable for me...Yes i did consider M the last time i thought....but not anymore...as the last disappointed didnt bring me back to care towards him than just a mere distant relative....i do not feel that it is right to cut off ties with anyone just cause....many would perceive this act to be hypocritical...but i do not see the error in this....</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red;"><span style="line-height: 18px;">Ya Rabb....grant me someone with the characteristics of which will suit me well....and that i will also be the same to him...InsyaAllah....There are many out there...but....so many times i got burned...i have come to redha in this matter....as i believe in....</span></span><span style="background-color: white; text-align: center;"><span dir="RTL" lang="AR-SA"><span style="color: red;">كُن فَيَكُونُ</span><b> </b></span></span><span style="color: red; line-height: 18px;"><i>Kun Faya Kun</i>....Allah knows while i know not.....Amin....</span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-21123779961681375922012-07-22T11:01:00.002-07:002012-07-22T11:02:09.628-07:00Witnessing injustice<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 23rd July 2012 (Monday) 1.18am</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Location: My Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Song Playing: None</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mood: In need of a lot of support and help</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First things first...i am thinking of taking down the last two post i posted....why? Well, everytime i read them both again...it made me feel like i am stooping down low to doing the exact same thing that was done to me....except that i don't expose them to be read in my facebook and humiliate anyone like it did me....here...nobody actually reads it...and nobody here knows whoever in my life personally....so...no humiliation here...just truths...with no names...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Recently...alot has been happening...and the more i put my hands and feet out to handle the problem...the more i get 'attacked'....and the best thing is...these people who have been out to get me...don't just played 'dirty'....some of them are actually people i cared about....truly...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It's painful and disappointing...that someone who actually say they care about me and love me...is not the one who is defending me....he's actually the one who allowed me to be shamed and humiliated quite publicly online...and he actually participated in most of these agendas...and when i confront him about it....he says something like 'You're crazy....ur just not right in your brain....have u taken ur meds yet? maybe u need to go to a mental hospital and get ur head checked....' Someone u cared about...betrayed u like that....its painful...literally painful....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That's the best he cud come up with so he won't look bad...so he still look like the 'angel' in front of his frens....his frens who wouldn't stop sticking their noses into other ppl's business....and somehow that 'front' was not all truthful too...now i don't only look like a monster to them...but i now look also like a crazy, demented person....all because.....yeap...get this...all because....i reacted....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">i believe...Allah sees everything that we do...and i thought that the most mature thing to settle problems are to talk about them and come down to an understanding....instead....i believe...this matter...is being dragged out and thrown off and blown ridiculously out of proportion....i tried everything...i tried biting my lip and gritting my teeth...i tried keeping quiet and still....i tried talking about it...i cried while trying to come up with a solution with the person too...although i find it very embarrassing and i hate it when people make me cry...but i was really hurt and betrayed....dats y cried...it was genuine...i dun believe in crocodile tears just to get my way or to shut anybody up....but none of these helped...biting my lip and gritting my teeth just drove me up the wall...becos it's not the right thing to do...keeping quiet and still...made them believe i was being moody and they hated my face...talking about it seems so much like talking to the wall....so...u tell me...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am seeking Allah's guidance in this because...it has been going on for days...and the more i try not to let wat they say get to me....it is slowly getting to me....i am trying to be patient about things....but it is driving me into emotional turmoil....which brings me to this qns....is he and his frens deliberately throwing me off the edge...because that's what they really want to do in the 1st place? So that i'll be out of the picture...and that they can go and find someone else for him...someone they'll approve? or it is something that he wants to do but doesn't want to do it myself? so like again....wat is going on here, right? </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I dunno what else to say....all i can say is...i blame myself...this yr...looks to me as no different than last yr....Last yr...i let two guys come into my life and mess things up for me...i lost my job on the very same time...and everything else came crushing down on me and i was left out there crying and hurt....this yr....it is him....i let him in....at one point while i was thinking of my next step....i wish i had walk out of it when i didnt care so much about him like i do now....now...he's just playing with my head...and my feelings...like i'm nothing....like i'm rubbish..and the best thing about it is...he's letting other people..who barely even know me....to join in....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Do i deserve it? I don't think so....maybe i did say or do stuff differently from those people...and they don't agree with those things....dat's fine...but this....humiliation and misery....that's too much....a bunch of people against me....one person... u do the math...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Like someone i know would say...if it's a battlefield...you put one bull...and a lot of men to fight it all at once..for sure the bull will die....I'm just paraphrasing...Just something to think about...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Right now...i have to make a decision...more of me is telling me to walk out now...even though it has come down to the stage that i care about him enough to want to fight for this....but if i'm gonna be standing there alone....it'll sure will kill me and for sure he won't be there to fight with me...he's gonna be there to fight against me....i am trying my very best to let go....even if it's the hardest thing to do at the moment...but what other options do i have right now? It hurts so bad...my heart sink to the very bottom of my stomach everytime i see a nasty comment from any of his frens or something he said that says he wants to find somebody else....all in his facebook....all visible comments that i could see on mine...he didnt just stop there...he post it up on watsapp even...i dunno about u guys...but too much i think....its plain cold and cruel...it sure feels like so....it made me feel so sick in my stomach like i'm going to faint any minute....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm not asking for sympathy on any of this...i am a firm believer of truths and trying to do the right things at most times of our lives...all i'm asking is for some justice...that's all....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">~Shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-87523595984425159542012-07-15T09:41:00.002-07:002012-07-15T09:43:03.148-07:00Witnessing brokenness<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 16th July 2012 12.36am Monday</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Location: My Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Song Playing: Fall Out Boy - The (Shipped) Gold Standard</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mood: Hurt</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Once again, i got myself hurt...Bit my lip and held back my tongue...one thing kept running in my mind....i don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who doesn't care at all about me...It's sad....but i'm sure Allah knows what's best for me...i'm only holding on for everyone who actually cared about us....but when September comes...i'm making my own decision...i hope one day....u will realise...this game u played...no one wants to play with u anymore....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">~Shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-70356082943422055192012-07-14T17:10:00.001-07:002012-07-14T17:11:21.658-07:00Witnessing acceptance and moving on<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 15th July 2012 6.54am Sunday</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Location: My Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Song Playing: Akcent - My Passion</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mood: Sincerely in remorse</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are going through life in our own different ways as how our Creator decides and plans for us. We have no power to know what is going to happen next. Be it in the next few years or even in the next mere second. Right now, i am sitting here deciding to write in but who knows what will happen in the minutes and hours later. A while ago, i was in <i>sujud</i> to our Creator, crying so much in sincere seeking forgiveness. </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am a woman on a mission. I have no specific day when i am gonna start. I do not even know why i have to sit down to think about it so much. But one thing i know for sure. That, the day will eventually come. If God wills it. I am getting more and more serious into this. Although some days i get struck with something, threw me off my game, get myself derailed and gone astray, I still want to come back and there is no stopping me on this. Not anything, not anyone.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Some people say changes are good, whilst some will say that it is bad. It all depends i guess. On how all of us are willing to embrace the idea, handle the causes, put it to work or just simply smile and face them. I would say, this change i am going to make to my life, i just want it to be blessed. Hoping that it will soon make me a better Muslimah. </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Actually, the whole story behind this blog entry is me expressing my deep thoughts about a few aspects of my life. I am learning more about acceptance and moving on. This is my mission. </span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Many things are happening to me at the moment that has been keeping me weeping inside my heart. I would be back here in my room, lock myself in here, sitting by my bedside in deep thoughts and all it does is bring me on a chronological drive by from my childhood days to the moment i was at. See, i am the lonely kid since young. Although i would be grateful for the times i got myself into a lot of trouble only for the lessons i learnt and that it somehow toughen me up inside. But we can never run away from our challenges we are set to face in our lives. I have learnt that when we are faced with our set challenges, we could either run towards it and face it head on or we could move slowly and work our way around it till we find the solutions.</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So here it is...my acceptance....in a list...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1) I am going to try to accept that M will never stop hurting me. Deceit, condescension, betrayal, ignorance, tactlessness and lame excuses...kept bringing out my worst side of me that i have had buried years ago...my monstrosity i had for many years of living in domestic violence, a bad neighbourhood and harassments...So with that said... i am going to move on...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2) As much as the history goes between me and W. i am going to try to accept that W is never going to love me like how i did him...i can never be good enough for him...With that said....i am going to move on...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3) Allah is Great. He stopped me from telling A that i might have liked him and feelings have grown throughout since we became friends back at City Alive 2010. For that, i am thankful. I could be making a huge mistake of humiliating myself and hurting someone he has in his life if i was ever able to tell him how i feel. I accept that A now has someone else by his side. So with that said....i am going to move on....</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4) My brother cleared up all the stuff in the store room last night. Saw boxes filled with someone related. They are now sitting in my room, waiting to be unpacked and let go of. She will come back when Allah wills it. With that said, I will continue to move on.</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5) 6th June 2005 was when she came into my life...she was gone from my grasp on 7th June 2005...every year on the same two days of my life, i will feel all mellow, weepy and solemn. She will come back to find me when Allah wills for us to meet....With that said, i will continue to move on...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6) H has been the best guy i had ever known in my life...Fate did not allow us to stay together...I am just grateful for the moments i had with H...with that said...i will continue to move on....</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7) I had my 1st job when i was 12.. Waiting for PSLE results and Secondary school results and the many years of my family being in financial instability driven me to be so early at age to work...I have engaged myself in many different industries and line of work...I have many dreams...but i have one absolute passion.. creativity and design...although i have never gotten the chance to land myself a job linking anywhere and anyway in my passion, i have accepted and letting Allah decide me on this one...He brings about my <i>rizqi</i>...so wherever my <i>rizqi</i> is set for me, i will never stop going on with my passion....so i accept whatever decent job i get that will be good for me and move on.....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I am going to accept whatever setbacks that has happened or have yet to happen...I pray Allah provides me with ample strength to keep my <i>Iman</i> in check and i am going to try to move on and i will move on....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are always more to life than just <i>Dunya</i>...and i am going to make changes not to corrupt myself...i want to make changes for value...and i know i cannot change how people see or feel about me....because every minute and every second...changes happen..to things, to people...people change when we are not looking...so who is to know all these things..only Allah...so with all that...i am accepting and moving on....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">~Shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-11459518500164524432012-04-16T10:24:00.000-07:002012-04-16T10:24:14.220-07:00Witnessing learning life<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Date & Time: 17th April 2012, Tuesday, 1.21am</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Location: My Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Mood: Pinched</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Song Playing: Paramore - Playing God</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">So...here it is...when you have something to say...say it...but do not be sarcastic...</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Get this...People say...it ain't over until the fat lady sings...well...i'm not fat...but i do know how to sing...that's beside the point...no intentions of discrimination but just making a point...Point is of those words...they just meant essentially that one should not assume the outcome of something until it has actually finished...what i'm trying to say is...Just simply...don't assume...you don't know something don't judge...nor spew words that could hurt...</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Everyday..is a learning process...learning about life...one that i learnt...there's always 3 sides to every story....THREE...not one...not TWO...but THREE...there's your side...my side...and the truth...don't get me wrong...i ain't saying we have a problem here...i would rather say...we have a setback...maybe...just maybe...truth is...u didnt mean all those words...just something that came out sparked by anger? restlessness..? confusion...? who knows...?only God knows...</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Friendship...treaaaaasuuureeee it....we won't know how long we're gonna be walking around this Earth....treasure not just friendship...treasure what is given to u...treasure moments...treasure time...we are always always trying to catch time...catch up with things...stuff like that...we fail to sit back and smile to the times we had with those we care around us...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I'll be straight...i don't know how to play around the bushes...this ain't a story to be gossip...point fingers to each other about...but just something...to remind us...of where we are...who we are..what we are..and how we are...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Where...? we are in the midst of people we care...treasure them..whether they're not in front of us...in the same room with us...just remember them...Who? We are their families, their friends, their husbands, their wives, their daughters, their sons, their fathers, their mothers, their sisters, their brothers, their uncles, their aunts, their cousins, their nephews, their neices, their etc etc etc...we are who we are...to ourselves and to them...What? be the best of what we are to others...How? Look within ourselves...if we miss anyone...tell them...ask about them...don't give up on them...don't hurt them...if things needed to be said...say them...and then move on...if we give up on each other...friendship breaks...it would be better to overlook sometimes their errors or faults...coz reality is...we are also not free from errors or faults...we are...who we are...human...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Yeah yeah...i get it...i understand...what if...they hurt u...well..others may not know what u feel inside...but there's always one who created us that knows....Allah sees everything....remember that...</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I may be wrong about whatever i said...don't have to take any of my words for it...do it for yourselves...I apologise for any harshness in my blog entries...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">~Shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-8233393833002872912012-03-24T08:00:00.000-07:002012-03-24T08:00:26.492-07:00Witnessing misunderstanding....Date & Time: 24th March 2012 (Saturday) 10.31pm<br />
Location: My Room<br />
Mood: Betrayed and disappointed<br />
Song Playing: Qasidah Istighfar<br />
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I am human...just like everybody else...i dun consider myself special than any other human...i trust in Allah as to how He judges me...not any other human....as a human being....i have feelings too...so here they are...<br />
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i feel that many people hate me....i was lying down on my mattress...trying to figure out wat just happened....how did it get to an argument instead of a conversation...but all i got was the words uttered to me on the phone...and the line went dead....such painful words...but if its the truth...i'll accept...<br />
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often times, i have been misjudged, misunderstood by people i care about...some times after something like that are being told to me...i sit and think about it...not in a worrying way...but in a figuring out what i had done wrong way...<br />
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See...i come from a background where we are not trained to express love towards each other...and i know for a fact dat all of us are hurt in some ways due to this....<br />
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Its actually sad...to be witnessing it and being in it...but Allah knows best...i know not....so i accept it the way it is...and try my very best to treasure every single sweetness, bitterness, happy and disappointing moments of it all...<br />
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As i grew up...i keep a mental note...to always be kind to others...though i know sometimes i fail to....but i know i did try and put in whatever efforts within my capability....it hurts me if the people i care about are hurt by me...if something goes wrong...i will try my might to make it right...provided if i know what the problem is...but it is commonly known...dat it takes two hands to clap....often times...i'm on the battlefield alone...still figuring out what am i supposed to be fighting for? What is the thing that is so precious that i have to fight for...? In the end...i will just succumb to whatever it is that the rest of the world decides would make them happy...<br />
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Many times in the past...i did that...and in the end...i am left crippling with all the scars of the attacks...It is quite a cliche this phrase that says "......<br />
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Oh gosh..i am feeling so emotional right now...i can't write coz i can't stop these tears....i can't do this right now...Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-6199170312988219532012-01-10T10:53:00.000-08:002012-01-10T10:53:22.144-08:00Witnessing confusions in truths<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Date & Time: 11th January 2012, Wednesday 2.41am</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Location: My Peaceful Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Mood: Massive headache and migraine...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Song Playing: Saosin - Some Sense of Security </span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Many times i have been contemplating on whether or not i should post an </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">entry...for almost two months now....my mind doesn't wanna pour </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">out...instead...questions like..."Will anybody read it?" "Will i be </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">judged after my entries have been read..?" Probably my mind is just </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">messing with me...Giving me excuses not to post anything...</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have this super sick feeling in my guts right now..and i have a very </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">bad headache or rather migraine for letting all these nonsense fill my </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">mind...I have to get them out...People have to stop </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">talking..Please...stop...talking...It's really not helping...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Please don't tell me things if you know you're gonna do just the opposite </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">afterwards...It's sad...and heartbreaking...it feels like an extreme </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">betrayal on my side...being the one to listen to those empty words coming </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">out of your mouths...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Words...There are those that are empty...there are those that moves </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">you...and there are those that hurt....Lately...all i'm getting are the </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">empty and hurtful ones...Sometimes i wish...they were never uttered in </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">the first place...Like...do you even mean them...? Seriously...do you? if </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">you jolly well know that you don't, why say them? Please...and i am </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">asking this really nicely...Please stop talking...Please stop saying </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">you'll do this and that and then change your mind few minutes after...I </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">feel like a ball...being kicked around everywhere....it's tiring...and </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">what's even more tiring, is when i have to keep on biting my lower lip so </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">i won't say something bad in return....</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I am really trying to change...and yes...i believe that if you try to do </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">something good...or just do something...there'll be consequences...you'll </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">be tested...even in ways u can never imagine...and i always believe </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">nothing is ever too late...like forgiveness...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">When i was young...as young as 9 years old...when i started to understand </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">things normally a 9 year old wouldn't...witnessing events normally a 9 </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">year old wouldn't...one of the things i believe was..and still do...is </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">that...forgiveness is something which is never too late to do..It just </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">is...as long as your still walking around on the face of the earth...as </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">long as you haven't close your eyes..as long as your not buried in the </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">ground...you have the chance to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">others...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have a way of sometimes being too straight up..too upfront...and also </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">sometimes too stubborn..too strong-willed...i have always believed...and </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">still do...that...if i am confident and strongly believe on doing or </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">saying something...that it would help a great deal in a situation or that </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">a simple truth is to be told...that the person have to know this...be it </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">a feeling, a piece of emotion, details of an event or just a simple </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">perspective...i have to let it known...i find all ways and means to try </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">to let the person know...coz...i worry...if i dun get to let the truth be </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">known to him or her in time...it'll all be too late....everybody will </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">leave this place one day...and who wants to be THAT late....?</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Don't tell me things that will leave me in a state of confusion...don't </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">manipulate me into doing things just so u thot u cud get what you want in </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">doing so...Don't plan anything with me if u know for sure ur fickle...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I'm just gonna make my point here...if i could say something in reply to </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">what you are telling me...Here it is...Although, i will </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">never...ever...disclose anybody's names...Here are the truths from </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">me...sincerely from me...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A: You have been very sweet to me..thank you for the gestures...you are </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">unique...and i like that...u kinda remind me of someone from my past...in </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">a good way dat is...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A1: You say we should meet up? When is that gonna happen?</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A2: Stop asking me for money...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A3: Why are you so silent these days? </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A4: Why do you have to always think too much?</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A5: You got me again...Keep asking me whether i like you...tell me things </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">like you like me and all that...and then telling me you're 'targeting </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">this girl from facebook and that girl from tagged' simply leave me </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">confused...if that's the way it is..i'll tell you this...i dun appreciate </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">you implying to me i'm just an option in ur dating-to-find-a-wife </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">mission...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A6: No matter what...i will always be here waiting for the day when we're </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">gonna speak to each other again...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">A7: One day...when you decide to come home...i hope you still know where </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">to find me...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">B: Things seem to be different now huh? </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">D: You will always be my inspiration, my idol...i love you no matter what </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">she says...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">D1: I think you're a sweet fren though sometimes i can't stand you </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">whining...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">D2: Don't try to step on my toes...it's been going on long enough...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">F: Stop complaining about things so much</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">F1: Stop being pretentious....and don't ask me for my opinions or advice </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">if u dun wanna hear them...and dun do me favours and bring it up just to </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">prove a point...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">H: I still think about you...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">L: Why did you have to 'drop-out'...? Now there's no chance for us </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">happening...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">L1: I'm sorry i have to leave the 'group'...she tried to change you to be </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">like her...it made me angry...but not anymore...thank you for the </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">birthday wish u made on my old number last yr..i dun use that number </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">anymore..u shudn't have disabled ur facebook...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">M: I will always try to make you happy...Dat's my promise...i love you </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">even if you don't love me as much...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">M1: I am very sorry...i shouldn't have overstayed the other day...i feel </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">bad till now...i wish i hadn't done dat...i wish i had just walked </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">home...even if it's gonna take me hrs...i love you babe...ur always there </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">for me...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">N: Even when others say ur whiny and u complain a lot...i know where </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">you're coming from with all those...hang in there babe...don't let others </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">treat you like a doormat....Speak up...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">N1: Don't always do things halfway...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">R: Don't brag so much</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">S: I told you i love your smile...i told you i'm crushing on you...and </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">you...didn't care....</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">S1: You're always bubbly..i like that..</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">S2: You're always in my heart my princess...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">S3: I'm sorry i wasn't at your wedding...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">S4: You sure that's all you're doing...? i sense you're falling for her </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">man...Luckily you only say you're thinking a little bit about a </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">chance...i hope you don't tell me the full story...coz if it isn't true, </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">i will walk away...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">T: Thanks for being a nice guy to me...on and off...</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">W: How long are you gonna keep this up? All the things you keep telling </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">me have always been moot or are those really from your heart...? you </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">always make me confuse...the things you say to me...the things you do to </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">me..how to understand you if you are always ever-changing your ways...? </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">btw...i still love your eyes...in fact, i miss them</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have my fair share of being misunderstood...Just know this...i mean it </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">when i say i am sincere...i mean it when i say i am loyal...i mean it </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">when i say i don't walk out on others...most times...they walk out on </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">me...well...with that being said...i know this post is rather scattered </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">and messy...i was brainstorming...i have to pour out the thots in my mind </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">rite now...my headache is getting worse..dunno if sleeping it off will </span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">work..hope it does...gdnite....</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">P.S: I am sooooo dreading my appointment later today...<br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">~Shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-42449126257343408322011-11-22T09:07:00.001-08:002011-11-22T09:22:57.636-08:00Witnessing harsh words<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Date & Time: 23rd November 2011 (Wednesday) 12.44am</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Location: My Secret Spot</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Mood: Disappointment and hurt</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Song Playing: Muse - Sing for Absolution</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">i feel like running away...although things like this isnt something new to me..it still manages to hurt me...I feel more alone than i was before...with the enormous dark cloud above my head...i just wish it will go away...but i have to wait...for another 12 days...time is running out...i cud feel from every sense in my body so strongly that he's slipping away...he can't...he can't do this to me...it will be injustice...but he's not the same anymore...i am worried...if i tell him wat has happened...he'll run away..then i'll have to go thru this alone...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Ppl are unaware...carrying weapons with them in their tongues...today...i got hurt..simply by words...the power of words spewed by a certain someone..living under the same roof...made me ran away..here..to this peaceful place...i can't be sure..i dun feel safe anywhere...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">I have one qns for her..."if she's so reliable as u say she is...where is she now..? wouldn't she have been here for u?" </span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">It's true anger made ppl say hurtful things to others...cud be at that moment they simply lost their minds...but there is such a thing called conscience...y dun they divert their attention to that for a change? Instead...they just wanna use their weapons...hurting others seems to bring them satisfaction or rather contentment...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Sometimes i feel like a fool for arming my heart with a lot of love...they say love trumps hate...i wonder wat they think about that...i dun see dat happening here at all...neither at home.. nor amongst some other ppl..</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Like i said before...sometimes my brain tells me its all not worth it anymore wen harsh words were spoken..promises were broken...but my heart is being retarded and doesnt stop caring...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Does it make me weak...? i really don't know...</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red; font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif;">Maybe i shud go away...the tribe has spoken...their leader doesnt want me here...i shud really go away...if dats the only way the rest cud be happy...</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-19917485304331695422011-09-01T09:52:00.000-07:002011-09-01T09:54:42.818-07:00Witnessing my voice<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Date & Time: 1st September 2011 (Thursday) 10.43pm</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Location: My Lovely Messy Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Mood: Nervous</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Song Playing: 30 Seconds To Mars - Beautiful Lie</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Been a while yea...well, i've been bz trying to sort out the messiness in my life...only recently i fell pretty hard and i hit the ground pretty hard too to realise all the bullshit was just a blardy waste of my precious precious time....There's only 3 things that can make you my enemy....1) Disturb my family and very very close frens (whom i call my sisters and brothers) in any wicked possible way....2) Make me cry too much (especially angry tears) 3) Anyone who has a 'fetish' on wasting my precious time....Other than that, i don't believe in hating...Hate is an extremely strong word....i hate to use the word hate in my dictionary...so don't push me...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Don't mind me saying wats on my mind...its my 'voice'...not yours...so back off...for the many times i let people say things to my face...its only fair i do the same....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Anyway...am not here to talk rubbish...but just sharing thoughts....i was just taking a break on my neverending mission of clearing up the 'trash' in my room and getting my 'interview uniform' ready for tomorrow....My God...i'm so nervous...my 1st ever interview so far...(speech cough..erhem erhem) Ladies and Gentlemen...I would like to thank my lovelies...my mum..my dad...my brothers and sisters....for the best moral support given to me this whole day...Shuk-ran! Jazakallah Khair...=D</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Yes...i have a job interview scheduled for me tomorrow...and i pray i get a job soon so i can continue to have a stable enough income to get me by....Insya-Allah....looking at the four walls here is getting me bored and restless...</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">A great start to a new month i should say...for all the mess i faced in the past month...Masya-Allah...Don't get me wrong...i have fret over it quite enough and am not gonna fret over it all anymore right now...Instead...i am grateful to Allah that i have actually found a part of me which i lost in the midst of all the setbacks...Doesn't matter wat anyone do to me...say about me...trying to bring me down...Allah knows best...As the famous quote goes..."Patience is virtue..and virtue is grace"....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I always have these words in my mind...Words from a late fren of mine....He says something like these...."Picture this...Ur pushed into a hole...trapped..people throw sand at u....instead of thinking ur gonna be stuck in there and buried alive...u shud start collecting all that sand...and build from the base of the hole and eventually...the ground will be high enough for u to get out of the hole..." The best advice and moving wisdom words i ever heard in my life....and i couldn't thank Allah enough for letting me know this wonderful fren of mine...May Allah rest his soul in peace....</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Now...to reckon....there'll be only a few ppl who reads my blog...and for those who happen to stumble to my page of thoughts here....As uninteresting as it is...its not here to bad-mouth, criticise, backbite, degrade, defame, insult or trash anyone...(couldn't think of any more synonyms to describe dat bad act) I am just writing these as my "voice" in my mind...to share...A word of advice...Please don't continue reading it if you can't handle it. Thank you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">And on that note...i declare that i am hungry rite now....gonna go find food....Goodynite ppl... I-lal liqaa' Take care....</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">~Shahida~</span><span style="color: red;"><span id="wrbword" jquery1314891732562="25"></span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-83648620241409676152011-08-06T13:24:00.000-07:002011-08-06T13:24:23.156-07:00Witnessing my downfall<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Date & Time: 7th August 2011, 3.24am (Sunday)</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Location: My Room</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Mood: Healing</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Song Playing: Adele - Set Fire To The Rain</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I cried a lot earlier in the day....Accumulative pain, anger, disappointment...u name it...i felt it....i couldn't stop...all these while, the negative emotions i felt and bottled up inside me exploded from in within me....i cried...i didn't stop...not yet...i couldn't understand all the emotions stirring up inside me....all i know...i need to get it all out...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">When i eventually stopped...i sat staring out the window to the sky....all the images in past events that went through my mind wen i was having the mental breakdown a while ago starts to vanish...i imagined it all burned down....perished...i'm killing it all....i know deep inside that all those things that happened has its own specific reason...it could be somethings i should learn from...somethings i should stay away from coz its bad for me...somethings dat i should take note being signals to warn me of future events...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">I chose..to kill it all...burn it all....i'll self-destruct now....to be reborn again....to take things to a new perspective....to move on...not look back...and start anew....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">So what if others couldnt be bothered with me..so what if others wanna talk about me...so what if others wanna test my patience....so what if others wanna step on my toes....so what if others wanna stab me on my back...so what.....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Yeah...i dun really do well on some things in my life..yeah...i lost my job on Friday...yeah...i didn't see that one coming...yeah...i thought i was the one who was gonna walk away from that piece of craphole....yea...bla bla bla....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">But its not the end of the world...i'm just ending the phase of this so-called 'black patch'....i am rising from my downfall....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Note to self: We musn't look upon ppl who have more..but look upon ppl who have less...Only then, we will humbly know where we stand...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS;">~Shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-16080981752758224482011-06-03T07:21:00.000-07:002011-08-06T12:20:16.864-07:00Witnessing passing cars<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Date & Time: 3rd June 2011, Friday, 9.56pm</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Location: SMU Big Steps</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Mood: Sane</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Song Playing: Madina Lake - Through The Pain</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Sitting here eating sausage balls...watching cars passing by in front of the Singapore Art Museum....went for my treatment earlier...feel relaxed now...its Friday and i'm in town alone...it doesnt feel so bad afterall...quite calming actually...maybe i shud do dis often yea....tmr isnt a working day..so i dun have to worry abt getting hm so early tonite...just chillout and enjoy my time alone...the sounds from the water fountain feels soothing enuf...shud be gd for my relaxing mind...enjoying every minute of this...</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I wonder wat everybody else is doing...probably out partying..out with their partners...out for dinner...out for a movie date...missing the feeling wen i used to have too many frens that i almost didnt have time to be sitting here alone and enjoying this peaceful scene...it seems like yesterday was just a dream...those days are over..they're just memories...buried but nvr forgotten...the ppl i used to walk with...those who have made me..and those who have destroyed me...wat are they doing now? Some probably living the life they dream of...some probably still struggle like how i am nw...well watever it is...we are who we are...we are responsible for our own actions...</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Moving on..dun wanna be getting myself too carried away reminiscing abt old atories nw... Tmr afternoon i'm planning to get my kite out again..lets make it fly high shall we..hope the weather wud be on our side tmr..:D</span><br />
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</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">~shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-12210533537398871732011-05-18T09:47:00.000-07:002011-05-18T09:49:02.364-07:00Witnessing pointless stuff<span style="color: red; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date &Time: 18th May 2011 11.53pm Wednesday</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Location: My Lonely Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Mood: Neutral</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Song Playing: Haste the Day - Porcelain</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Here is something i hadnt done for quite some time now....have started to frequently write in my journal lately i totally forgot abt my blog....Typed out the name of my blog on google and i found this song i hadnt been listening to for so long...Anyways....i dunno y i'm here...just need to pass time i guess...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Have been lazing around in my room when it occurred to me to visit my blog...Reading my past entries...made me realise that i've been wasting too much time thinking about pointless stuff...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">I need to change all these....So...all these pointless stuff will be thrown away...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">I'm taking a step back...from all the madness...i think i've done quite enuf for now...i'm just gonna sit here and take a breather....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Just a note for some...if u dunno me...dun pretend u do...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">~Shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-39957788605441641642011-04-09T12:52:00.000-07:002011-04-09T12:52:06.459-07:00Witnessing broken pieces<span style="color: red; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 10th April 2011 (Sunday) 3.08am</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Location: My Secret Place</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Mood: In Pieces</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Song Playing: The Script - For the First Time</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Sitting alone here....as usual this place is quiet and lonely....only the moon and the stars to keep me company....for all the memories held in this beautiful, peaceful place....gave me a nostalgic feeling....shadows from the past...tried to haunt me....making me feel gloomier than i oreadi am....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">My heart didnt stop breaking....from earlier on...till this moment....yeap...its broken again...when at the beginning of the year...i promised my heart that i will be extra careful with it....now...its broken again...i shudn't have mended it and give it to someone who didnt bother in the 1st place....now dat all has been done....only left me feeling dumb and stupid...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">What else is there...? Only silence...only me...alone....unaccepted in every way possible...shud have known...all the care, the words, the touch, the feel...were illusions...if rite now i were to show u my scarred heart....i know u won't take a glimpse of it.....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">i admit...on the earlier part of the story....i didnt want to breathe u in....i was scared...my greatest fear after walking the earth for 28 yrs...was love....after which....slowly....i saw...u showed so many things dat made me wanna take the hand u offered with the most sincere trust i had in u.....finally...i feel...accepted....my heart shouts "He wants to walk with me....! Someone is here to shine a ray of light in my path of life.....! This is it...! Thank u God...!"</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Now....i'm standing on the same path....but with darkness surrounding me instead of the ray of light....trying to make my way back home....more like dragging my feet than really walking....trying my best to hold up my head....but all i cud do is look at the ground....eyes filled with tears....and after a while....can't even see the ground i'm dragging my feet on.....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">For the many times this happens.....the hurt and pain i feel becomes greater than the one b4....i'm only waiting for it to make me go insanely crazy....No words cud express it all....only sounds...the sound of my heart crying...."Please stop..! Please dun make me feel this again...! Its gonna break me....!" </span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Helplessly....i say...too late....i'm sorry...i only have myself to blame for this....i shud have known i'm never good enough for anyone....i'm sorry i put u out there as the sacrifice....i promise i'll put u back together nicely someday...when i'm ready...</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-22838419347635450272011-03-22T11:17:00.000-07:002011-03-22T11:17:41.748-07:00Witnessing unappreciated<span style="color: red; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 23rd March 2011, 2am Wednesday</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Location: My Lonely Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Mood: Disappointed</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Song Playing : Dashboard Confessional - Again i Go Unnoticed</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">The room feels empty again....Only the sound of the songs playing on my playlist...The nights...feel so long....nothing really fills me anymore....They say love is about giving....doesnt matter what kind of love we're talking about here....giving out so much aren't enough....so wat's enough then? and i'm not even talking about this materialistically or moneywise...What i'm talking about is what anyone cant buy, cant gauge its value with any form of matter.....I guess nowadays none are concerned with all dat...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">I dun need things, materials or even sweet words....to me...all that has no value....if the most valuable things in life is not present...Things and materials will break and spoil one day....sweet words are just sweet words.....meaningless....to me....talk is cheap....i dun want all that....i just dun want...sweet words make me sick....sick....sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk................</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-18994898392682610582011-03-06T11:08:00.000-08:002011-03-06T11:08:24.513-08:00Witnessing those i used to know...<span style="color: red; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 7th March 2011, Monday, 2.05am</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Location: My messy room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Mood: Weird</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Song Playing: Fishtank - What About You??</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">It's Monday....gosh...i can't get myself to sleep...kicking myself now for sleeping late on saturday nite and waking up late on sunday....wth....anyways....i've been at hm my whole sunday....resting, watching myself on TV, chatting, browsing thru ppl's profiles on FB and cleaning my room...Clearing up stuff in my room was like neverending and even now....there's still so many things to clear out....found a lot of weird stuff...old stuff...stupid stuff...stuff i've nvr used and stuff dat just need to be thrown away....some of the stuff got me thinking abt the ppl i used to know...or rather guys i used to know, dated some, been with....blah blah....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Let me tell you what i think...i think the reasons why almost all of them are now no longer here other than the reason 'everyone come and go' are coz we dun click....of course....i know myself....i have a weird way of thinking....dat only certain ppl cud understand....but then again...nobody can truly understand one another...but to some point, we all just do.....anyways....let me lay out some typical guys i get so irked out with....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">The liars and the betrayers....the most critical....i bet dis dun just happen to guys...girls too...individuals i wud say....wen ppl lie or betray.....the sense of trust is perished...why all the drama? such a waste of time...seriously...all the lies and betrayal are so unnecessary....when we're honest with each other on most things....we all cud be happier...letting the trust build strong and firm....nobody gets hurt...we can actually help each other out in some ways....and it can also act as something dat cud let the love grow stronger....if it applies in relationships....it means...u cud both count on each other on a lot of things...coz both cud trust each other strongly....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">The self-absorbed....everything is about them...selfish and self-centred....isn't this whole thing is about the BOTH of us...?? how come all i hear is 'me, i'....*shuts the mouth*....hey hey....u talk about urself too much....where the hell am i? of course it works both ways....if all the time ur the one talking....i think the other person's ear wud fall off after some time...why can't do things together...? talking takes both to play the two roles....the speaker and the listener...if ur only thinking abt yourself...why dun u go date, get into a relationship and get married to urself?</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">The materialist....i bet dis one happens to most of us.....guys AND girls....ever happen to you? let's see...the scene wud be....the easiest example....transportation.....girls wud fall for guys with bikes or cars....coz dat wud mean they can get to be brought around places they wanna go....but guys....heyyyy...dun be surprised....there are guys who look at this as important....wth rite...i know...i've come across this....goodness....wats up with dat? i dunno how they wud think of girls having transportations...probably its cool to have a date or a gf who rides a bike or drives a car....i wud say....well....one day wen we die....all the materials we have in this world will not follow us to the grave.....and dat is a fact...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">The weak and cowardly.....i dun mean to say this so dat the guys out there can act irritatingly macho and all...well...i wud give my opinion as this....for every individual....every individual has got their weaknesses and strengths....but to those who are always afraid of this and afraid of that...simply says they wud give up easily on things....wat if there are bigger problems to face....? are u gonna go hide somewhere? if we're talking abt a relationship....when two get together, they become stronger...but if one is always weak....the other one end up fighting the battle alone....and everything else will soon crumble coz the relationship can't be strong enuf to stand....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">The fickles...like make up ur damn mind...its either u want this or not....no fifty2...no hanging by the thread shit...no trying...if u want ppl to treat u fair....treat urself and others fair too....stop and think.....in doing this something, wud it make u sad, uncomfortable, hurt or other unpleasant feelings...it wud also probably make the other person feel the same way.....again...it takes two....gotta think both ways man....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">The shallow-face-value-high-standards....this one's funny to me....always get me so lazy to be saying this.....everybody's born beautiful....its all about where the beauty lies and where it comes from in each and every one of us.....find the beauty in everything in the world...look deeper if u still can't see any....dun be so shallow about it.....it's such a turn-off man....</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">Well...dat about wraps up everything i wanna say...and i'm getting sleepy...watever it is...dun just take my word for it....afterall...all of us are humans....the world wud be a dull place if everyone's the same....in regards to relationships....do watever works for both....</span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Arial;">~Shahida~</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-26817641992244736932011-03-01T09:49:00.000-08:002011-03-01T09:52:12.422-08:00Witnessing Silence<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Date & Time: 2nd March 2011, 1.32am Wednesday</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana;">Location: My Lonely Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana;">Mood: Empty</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;"><span style="color: red;">Song Playing: <span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds - Mayday Parade</span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana;">Deafening silence...Lack of enthusiasm...it is something i fear very much...so great i cud feel its not only piercing to my ears....but very much to my heart....i'm weakening...i am very close to just throwing my hands up in the air and scream "i give up...!" </span><br />
<span style="color: red;"><br />
</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Verdana;">Leave me in silence...if dat is gonna make everyone else laugh till they cry....all i needed....is.......................................................................answer that for me if u will...coz i dunno anymore wat i need....i only feel emptiness and silence surrounding me...</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-19063586839773171502011-02-18T10:10:00.000-08:002011-02-18T10:10:01.695-08:00Witnessing my stand<span style="color: red; font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Date & Time: 19th February 2011, Saturday, 1.58am</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Location: My Lonely Room</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Mood: Confused</span><br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Song Playing : The Ataris - I Remember You</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">This life feels like its swinging back and forth without progression. Like a pendulum...Tied to a string...not moving...stuck...held by a thread...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">Looking towards where i think i should get myself to. Questions run in my mind like a ratrace...Scattered...uneven...Walking back, i tried to trace my footsteps...Somehow only the recent footprints still visible...Only there for a fleeting moment...waiting to be erased...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: red; font-family: Trebuchet MS;">In this life we have, what are we searching for? Like...exactly...what...are...we...searching for? I too won't know the answer...So is everybody else...Some would say, they're searching for what they need...But...what next? If i may answer that question with my own piece of mind...I would say,i'm searching for my place...Where is my place here? Where do i stand...? Where do i belong? </span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7615884469776206451.post-20399662817239585902011-01-26T09:22:00.000-08:002011-01-26T09:22:05.674-08:00Witnessing me fading away<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Date and Time: 27th January 2011 (Thursday) 12.55am</span><br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">Location: My Lonely Room</span><br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">Mood: Neutral</span><br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">Song Playing: My Chemical Romance - I Don't Love You</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">Some might think i'm strange and weird...some might think i'm stubborn and hot headed..some might think i'm pathetic and weak...some might think i'm dumb and stupid....but i dun really pay attention to all these nonsense....judging me isnt gonna break me...or make me any different from those who say things abt me...wat makes them think they noe me better than they noe themselves...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">So wat if i'm strange and weird...i'm just not into the typical and the copycats...so wat if i'm stubborn and hot headed....i'm stubborn wen i believe in the truth...and hot headed isnt really my style...so wat if i'm pathetic and weak...other ppl dunno the whole story of my life and wat right does that give them to say such...so wat if i'm dumb and stupid...everybody has their moments...that's the moment to learn our life lessons...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">One by one i put off the thoughts i have in every single aspect of my life....family...friendship...relationship...socializing...work...etc etc....i've shunned myself from most of it now...lately i find myself letting go of things i cant believe in...words...thoughts...actions...from some ppl around me...made me stray away....they're not truths...i cannot make myself believe all those anymore...i dun have time to be naive at this point....i just can't...</span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #660000; font-family: Verdana;">When i need to make myself happy...i just imagine...or just go right out and do what i want...as long as i dun trouble anyone or create any trouble for myself...its all fine right...? So wats the fuss abt...? Y get on my case? accept me for who i am and i will do the same...just remember...we reap wat we sow...</span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0