Sunday, December 9, 2012

Witnessing hard heartedness

Date & Time: 10th December 2012, Monday 2.41am
Location: My Room
Song Playing: Ariel - Someone Like You (Adele Cover)
Mood: Numb

Have i become so hard hearted that i myself didn't even notice what i am doing? I haven't cried..for quite a long time since the last tear dropped....Last yr, on this very date....i was crying out of remorse...and for someone who i believe has nvr has any feelings for me....He was just using me....and it had hurt me a lot...and i found myself turning back to Allah...the Greatest power that could turn all sadness into smiles...and also the other way around...i had no one....my family didn't know much about my personal life...my bestfriends....they were there....but only to provide comfort...but not salvation....i needed to change...and so i did...i attempted...and this yr...i think i only manage to change only a fraction of myself....i could tell myself something as comforting as 'Well, at least you tried' but....another part of me still feels that it wasn't enough....

I'm not saying that i don't believe that Allah is the Greatest power....i just feel that it would be nice...to have a saviour in human form...so i can at least feel that i am somewhere right....somewhere i'm supposed to be...i just feel that it would be nice...that from time to time...when i'm lost...or when i feel that i'm lost...someone would come and take my hand....and bring me back to where i'm supposed to be....but....everywhere i turned...all i see...are walls....closing in on me....

I tried....to act like nothing is hurting me...but....honestly...alot is hurting me....i'm trying my best to let things go....and move on...but whenever i try....i dunno where i am supposed to go and move on....i'm numb....

Today....that someone who keep saying that he wants to be with me...and always giving me a hard time to trust him...is doing one of his usual scheming....why....? why do he always resort to hurting me in those ways....? and...what am i supposed to do about it all? 

I wish...i have all the answers to these questions....but somehow...in the process....of becoming so hard hearted has made me not wanna be bothered to ask anymore....and the most frustrating thing is that....when i see it....the things he do just to hurt me....it made my stomach turn....it made me feel sick.....

A lot of thoughts have been running through my mind...i thought that when i am so intoxicated with medication because i am still recovering from this common cold i had in the past week would make me stop thinking and put my mind at ease...at least for awhile...it doesn't.....i feel more like a failure...in everything...i thought..."hey....let's go seize the day...' but i couldnt build the courage..to do the things i thought of that would level me up to seizing the day....

i did...wanted to reveal feelings to few people i know....feelings i kept so secured inside....i think i've moved on from Ar....but i can't seem to move on from the feelings i kept of W....and Ad....what's that all about.... ? i keep running all the facts i have....am i trying to create reasons to walk away from him...or am i just not seeing things right.....? its not like we are anything...or that i have any kind of special relationships with them....its just....i think something is throwing off me the rails...and its frustrating me that i can't move to do anything better for myself in any of it.....

Don't get me wrong.....i am not desperate to be united with just anyone in marriage....its just that...i am on a mission...although sometimes i admit...i backslided....but i don't think it is wrong for me to wait for that one person who understands where i'm coming from and that i am on an important mission...a mission to be closer to Allah....i'm not asking for a pious Ustaz or Imam.....just someone....who is willing enough to walk this journey with me...and that he understands how important it is to me and that it is also something important to him....Ya Allah....help me....i really really need you....if there's a chance for me to be with that person....i hope...he stop hiding already.....

I am sorry for everything....

~SHAHIDA~