Witnessing misunderstanding....

Date & Time: 24th March 2012 (Saturday) 10.31pm
Location: My Room
Mood: Betrayed and disappointed
Song Playing: Qasidah Istighfar

I am human...just like everybody else...i dun consider myself special than any other human...i trust in Allah as to how He judges me...not any other human....as a human being....i have feelings too...so here they are...

i feel that many people hate me....i was lying down on my mattress...trying to figure out wat just happened....how did it get to an argument instead of a conversation...but all i got was the words uttered to me on the phone...and the line went dead....such painful words...but if its the truth...i'll accept...

often times, i have been misjudged, misunderstood by people i care about...some times after something like that are being told to me...i sit and think about it...not in a worrying way...but in a figuring out what i had done wrong way...

See...i come from a background where we are not trained to express love towards each other...and i know for a fact dat all of us are hurt in some ways due to this....

Its actually sad...to be witnessing it and being in it...but Allah knows best...i know not....so i accept it the way it is...and try my very best to treasure every single sweetness, bitterness, happy and disappointing moments of it all...

As i grew up...i keep a mental note...to always be kind to others...though i know sometimes i fail to....but i know i did try and put in whatever efforts within my capability....it hurts me if the people i care about are hurt by me...if something goes wrong...i will try my might to make it right...provided if i know what the problem is...but it is commonly known...dat it takes two hands to clap....often times...i'm on the battlefield alone...still figuring out what am i supposed to be fighting for? What is the thing that is so precious that i have to fight for...? In the end...i will just succumb to whatever it is that the rest of the world decides would make them happy...

Many times in the past...i did that...and in the end...i am left crippling with all the scars of the attacks...It is quite a cliche this phrase that says "......

Oh gosh..i am feeling so emotional right now...i can't write coz i can't stop these tears....i can't do this right now...

Witnessing confusions in truths

Date & Time: 11th January 2012, Wednesday 2.41am
Location: My Peaceful Room
Mood: Massive headache and migraine...
Song Playing: Saosin - Some Sense of Security 


Many times i have been contemplating on whether or not i should post an 
entry...for almost two months now....my mind doesn't wanna pour 
out...instead...questions like..."Will anybody read it?" "Will i be 
judged after my entries have been read..?" Probably my mind is just 
messing with me...Giving me excuses not to post anything...


I have this super sick feeling in my guts right now..and i have a very 
bad headache or rather migraine for letting all these nonsense fill my 
mind...I have to get them out...People have to stop 
talking..Please...stop...talking...It's really not helping...
Please don't tell me things if you know you're gonna do just the opposite 
afterwards...It's sad...and heartbreaking...it feels like an extreme 
betrayal on my side...being the one to listen to those empty words coming 
out of your mouths...


Words...There are those that are empty...there are those that moves 
you...and there are those that hurt....Lately...all i'm getting are the 
empty and hurtful ones...Sometimes i wish...they were never uttered in 
the first place...Like...do you even mean them...? Seriously...do you? if 
you jolly well know that you don't, why say them? Please...and i am 
asking this really nicely...Please stop talking...Please stop saying 
you'll do this and that and then change your mind few minutes after...I 
feel like a ball...being kicked around everywhere....it's tiring...and 
what's even more tiring, is when i have to keep on biting my lower lip so 
i won't say something bad in return....


I am really trying to change...and yes...i believe that if you try to do 
something good...or just do something...there'll be consequences...you'll 
be tested...even in ways u can never imagine...and i always believe 
nothing is ever too late...like forgiveness...


When i was young...as young as 9 years old...when i started to understand 
things normally a 9 year old wouldn't...witnessing events normally a 9 
year old wouldn't...one of the things i believe was..and still do...is 
that...forgiveness is something which is never too late to do..It just 
is...as long as your still walking around on the face of the earth...as 
long as you haven't close your eyes..as long as your not buried in the 
ground...you have the chance to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive 
others...


I have a way of sometimes being too straight up..too upfront...and also 
sometimes too stubborn..too strong-willed...i have always believed...and 
still do...that...if i am confident and strongly believe on doing or 
saying something...that it would help a great deal in a situation or that 
a simple truth is to be told...that the person have to know this...be it 
a feeling, a piece of emotion, details of an event or just a simple 
perspective...i have to let it known...i find all ways and means to try 
to let the person know...coz...i worry...if i dun get to let the truth be 
known to him or her in time...it'll all be too late....everybody will 
leave this place one day...and who wants to be THAT late....?


Don't tell me things that will leave me in a state of confusion...don't 
manipulate me into doing things just so u thot u cud get what you want in 
doing so...Don't plan anything with me if u know for sure ur fickle...


I'm just gonna make my point here...if i could say something in reply to 
what you are telling me...Here it is...Although, i will 
never...ever...disclose anybody's names...Here are the truths from 
me...sincerely from me...


A: You have been very sweet to me..thank you for the gestures...you are 
unique...and i like that...u kinda remind me of someone from my past...in 
a good way dat is...
A1: You say we should meet up? When is that gonna happen?
A2: Stop asking me for money...
A3: Why are you so silent these days? 
A4: Why do you have to always think too much?
A5: You got me again...Keep asking me whether i like you...tell me things 
like you like me and all that...and then telling me you're 'targeting 
this girl from facebook and that girl from tagged' simply leave me 
confused...if that's the way it is..i'll tell you this...i dun appreciate 
you implying to me i'm just an option in ur dating-to-find-a-wife 
mission...
A6: No matter what...i will always be here waiting for the day when we're 
gonna speak to each other again...
A7: One day...when you decide to come home...i hope you still know where 
to find me...
B: Things seem to be different now huh? 
D: You will always be my inspiration, my idol...i love you no matter what 
she says...
D1: I think you're a sweet fren though sometimes i can't stand you 
whining...
D2: Don't try to step on my toes...it's been going on long enough...
F: Stop complaining about things so much
F1: Stop being pretentious....and don't ask me for my opinions or advice 
if u dun wanna hear them...and dun do me favours and bring it up just to 
prove a point...
H: I still think about you...
L: Why did you have to 'drop-out'...? Now there's no chance for us 
happening...
L1: I'm sorry i have to leave the 'group'...she tried to change you to be 
like her...it made me angry...but not anymore...thank you for the 
birthday wish u made on my old number last yr..i dun use that number 
anymore..u shudn't have disabled ur facebook...
M: I will always try to make you happy...Dat's my promise...i love you 
even if you don't love me as much...
M1: I am very sorry...i shouldn't have overstayed the other day...i feel 
bad till now...i wish i hadn't done dat...i wish i had just walked 
home...even if it's gonna take me hrs...i love you babe...ur always there 
for me...
N: Even when others say ur whiny and u complain a lot...i know where 
you're coming from with all those...hang in there babe...don't let others 
treat you like a doormat....Speak up...
N1: Don't always do things halfway...
R: Don't brag so much
S: I told you i love your smile...i told you i'm crushing on you...and 
you...didn't care....
S1: You're always bubbly..i like that..
S2: You're always in my heart my princess...
S3: I'm sorry i wasn't at your wedding...
S4: You sure that's all you're doing...? i sense you're falling for her 
man...Luckily you only say you're thinking a little bit about a 
chance...i hope you don't tell me the full story...coz if it isn't true, 
i will walk away...
T: Thanks for being a nice guy to me...on and off...
W: How long are you gonna keep this up? All the things you keep telling 
me have always been moot or are those really from your heart...? you 
always make me confuse...the things you say to me...the things you do to 
me..how to understand you if you are always ever-changing your ways...? 
btw...i still love your eyes...in fact, i miss them
     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I have my fair share of being misunderstood...Just know this...i mean it 
when i say i am sincere...i mean it when i say i am loyal...i mean it 
when i say i don't walk out on others...most times...they walk out on 
me...well...with that being said...i know this post is rather scattered 
and messy...i was brainstorming...i have to pour out the thots in my mind 
rite now...my headache is getting worse..dunno if sleeping it off will 
work..hope it does...gdnite....


P.S: I am sooooo dreading my appointment later today...

~Shahida~

Witnessing harsh words

Date & Time: 23rd November 2011 (Wednesday) 12.44am
Location: My Secret Spot
Mood: Disappointment and hurt
Song Playing: Muse - Sing for Absolution


i feel like running away...although things like this isnt something new to me..it still manages to hurt me...I feel more alone than i was before...with the enormous dark cloud above my head...i just wish it will go away...but i have to wait...for another 12 days...time is running out...i cud feel from every sense in my body so strongly that he's slipping away...he can't...he can't do this to me...it will be injustice...but he's not the same anymore...i am worried...if i tell him wat has happened...he'll run away..then i'll have to go thru this alone...


Ppl are unaware...carrying weapons with them in their tongues...today...i got hurt..simply by words...the power of words spewed by a certain someone..living under the same roof...made me ran away..here..to this peaceful place...i can't be sure..i dun feel safe anywhere...


I have one qns for her..."if she's so reliable as u say she is...where is she now..? wouldn't she have been here for u?" 


It's true anger made ppl say hurtful things to others...cud be at that moment they simply lost their minds...but there is such a thing called conscience...y dun they divert their attention to that for a change? Instead...they just wanna use their weapons...hurting others seems to bring them satisfaction or rather contentment...


Sometimes i feel like a fool for arming my heart with a lot of love...they say love trumps hate...i wonder wat they think about that...i dun see dat happening here at all...neither at home.. nor amongst some other ppl..


Like i said before...sometimes my brain tells me its all not worth it anymore wen harsh words were spoken..promises were broken...but my heart is being retarded and doesnt stop caring...


Does it make me weak...? i really don't know...


Maybe i shud go away...the tribe has spoken...their leader doesnt want me here...i shud really go away...if dats the only way the rest cud be happy...

Witnessing my voice

Date & Time: 1st September 2011 (Thursday) 10.43pm
Location: My Lovely Messy Room
Mood: Nervous
Song Playing: 30 Seconds To Mars - Beautiful Lie


Been a while yea...well, i've been bz trying to sort out the messiness in my life...only recently i fell pretty hard and i hit the ground pretty hard too to realise all the bullshit was just a blardy waste of my precious precious time....There's only 3 things that can make you my enemy....1) Disturb my family and very very close frens (whom i call my sisters and brothers) in any wicked possible way....2) Make me cry too much (especially angry tears) 3) Anyone who has a 'fetish' on wasting my precious time....Other than that, i don't believe in hating...Hate is an extremely strong word....i hate to use the word hate in my dictionary...so don't push me...


Don't mind me saying wats on my mind...its my 'voice'...not yours...so back off...for the many times i let people say things to my face...its only fair i do the same....


Anyway...am not here to talk rubbish...but just sharing thoughts....i was just taking a break on my neverending mission of clearing up the 'trash' in my room and getting my 'interview uniform' ready for tomorrow....My God...i'm so nervous...my 1st ever interview so far...(speech cough..erhem erhem) Ladies and Gentlemen...I would like to thank my lovelies...my mum..my dad...my brothers and sisters....for the best moral support given to me this whole day...Shuk-ran! Jazakallah Khair...=D


Yes...i have a job interview scheduled for me tomorrow...and i pray i get a job soon so i can continue to have a stable enough income to get me by....Insya-Allah....looking at the four walls here is getting me bored and restless...


A great start to a new month i should say...for all the mess i faced in the past month...Masya-Allah...Don't get me wrong...i have fret over it quite enough and am not gonna fret over it all anymore right now...Instead...i am grateful to Allah that i have actually found a part of me which i lost in the midst of all the setbacks...Doesn't matter wat anyone do to me...say about me...trying to bring me down...Allah knows best...As the famous quote goes..."Patience is virtue..and virtue is grace"....


I always have these words in my mind...Words from a late fren of mine....He says something like these...."Picture this...Ur pushed into a hole...trapped..people throw sand at u....instead of thinking ur gonna be stuck in there and buried alive...u shud start collecting all that sand...and build from the base of the hole and eventually...the ground will be high enough for u to get out of the hole..." The best advice and moving wisdom words i ever heard in my life....and i couldn't thank Allah enough for letting me know this wonderful fren of mine...May Allah rest his soul in peace....


Now...to reckon....there'll be only a few ppl who reads my blog...and for those who happen to stumble to my page of thoughts here....As uninteresting as it is...its not here to bad-mouth, criticise, backbite, degrade, defame, insult or trash anyone...(couldn't think of any more synonyms to describe dat bad act) I am just writing these as my "voice" in my mind...to share...A word of advice...Please don't continue reading it if you can't handle it. Thank you.


And on that note...i declare that i am hungry rite now....gonna go find food....Goodynite ppl... I-lal liqaa' Take care....


~Shahida~

Witnessing my downfall

Date & Time: 7th August 2011, 3.24am (Sunday)
Location: My Room
Mood: Healing
Song Playing: Adele - Set Fire To The Rain

I cried a lot earlier in the day....Accumulative pain, anger, disappointment...u name it...i felt it....i couldn't stop...all these while, the negative emotions i felt and bottled up inside me exploded from in within me....i cried...i didn't stop...not yet...i couldn't understand all the emotions stirring up inside me....all i know...i need to get it all out...

When i eventually stopped...i sat staring out the window to the sky....all the images in past events that went through my mind wen i was having the mental breakdown a while ago starts to vanish...i imagined it all burned down....perished...i'm killing it all....i know deep inside that all those things that happened has its own specific reason...it could be somethings i should learn from...somethings i should stay away from coz its bad for me...somethings dat i should take note being signals to warn me of future events...

I chose..to kill it all...burn it all....i'll self-destruct now....to be reborn again....to take things to a new perspective....to move on...not look back...and start anew....

So what if others couldnt be bothered with me..so what if others wanna talk about me...so what if others wanna test my patience....so what if others wanna step on my toes....so what if others wanna stab me on my back...so what.....

Yeah...i dun really do well on some things in my life..yeah...i lost my job on Friday...yeah...i didn't see that one coming...yeah...i thought i was the one who was gonna walk away from that piece of craphole....yea...bla bla bla....

But its not the end of the world...i'm just ending the phase of this so-called 'black patch'....i am rising from my downfall....

Note to self: We musn't look upon ppl who have more..but look upon ppl who have less...Only then, we will humbly know where we stand...

~Shahida~

Witnessing passing cars

Date & Time: 3rd June 2011, Friday, 9.56pm
Location: SMU Big Steps
Mood: Sane
Song Playing: Madina Lake - Through The Pain


Sitting here eating sausage balls...watching cars passing by in front of the Singapore Art Museum....went for my treatment earlier...feel relaxed now...its Friday and i'm in town alone...it doesnt feel so bad afterall...quite calming actually...maybe i shud do dis often yea....tmr isnt a working day..so i dun have to worry abt getting hm so early tonite...just chillout and enjoy my time alone...the sounds from the water fountain feels soothing enuf...shud be gd for my relaxing mind...enjoying every minute of this...


I wonder wat everybody else is doing...probably out partying..out with their partners...out for dinner...out for a movie date...missing the feeling wen i used to have too many frens that i almost didnt have time to be sitting here alone and enjoying this peaceful scene...it seems like yesterday was just a dream...those days are over..they're just memories...buried but nvr forgotten...the ppl i used to walk with...those who have made me..and those who have destroyed me...wat are they doing now? Some probably living the life they dream of...some probably still struggle like how i am nw...well watever it is...we are who we are...we are responsible for our own actions...


Moving on..dun wanna be getting myself too carried away reminiscing abt old atories nw... Tmr afternoon i'm planning to get my kite out again..lets make it fly high shall we..hope the weather wud be on our side tmr..:D


~shahida~

Witnessing pointless stuff

Date &Time: 18th May 2011 11.53pm Wednesday
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Neutral
Song Playing: Haste the Day - Porcelain

Here is something i hadnt done for quite some time now....have started to frequently write in my journal lately i totally forgot abt my blog....Typed out the name of my blog on google and i found this song i hadnt been listening to for so long...Anyways....i dunno y i'm here...just need to pass time i guess...

Have been lazing around in my room when it occurred to me to visit my blog...Reading my past entries...made me realise that i've been wasting too much time thinking about pointless stuff...

I need to change all these....So...all these pointless stuff will be thrown away...

I'm taking a step back...from all the madness...i think i've done quite enuf for now...i'm just gonna sit here and take a breather....

Just a note for some...if u dunno me...dun pretend u do...

~Shahida~