Date & Time: 11th January 2012, Wednesday 2.41am
Location: My Peaceful Room
Mood: Massive headache and migraine...
Song Playing: Saosin - Some Sense of Security
Many times i have been contemplating on whether or not i should post an
entry...for almost two months now....my mind doesn't wanna pour
out...instead...questions like..."Will anybody read it?" "Will i be
judged after my entries have been read..?" Probably my mind is just
messing with me...Giving me excuses not to post anything...
I have this super sick feeling in my guts right now..and i have a very
bad headache or rather migraine for letting all these nonsense fill my
mind...I have to get them out...People have to stop
talking..Please...stop...talking...It's really not helping...
Please don't tell me things if you know you're gonna do just the opposite
afterwards...It's sad...and heartbreaking...it feels like an extreme
betrayal on my side...being the one to listen to those empty words coming
out of your mouths...
Words...There are those that are empty...there are those that moves
you...and there are those that hurt....Lately...all i'm getting are the
empty and hurtful ones...Sometimes i wish...they were never uttered in
the first place...Like...do you even mean them...? Seriously...do you? if
you jolly well know that you don't, why say them? Please...and i am
asking this really nicely...Please stop talking...Please stop saying
you'll do this and that and then change your mind few minutes after...I
feel like a ball...being kicked around everywhere....it's tiring...and
what's even more tiring, is when i have to keep on biting my lower lip so
i won't say something bad in return....
I am really trying to change...and yes...i believe that if you try to do
something good...or just do something...there'll be consequences...you'll
be tested...even in ways u can never imagine...and i always believe
nothing is ever too late...like forgiveness...
When i was young...as young as 9 years old...when i started to understand
things normally a 9 year old wouldn't...witnessing events normally a 9
year old wouldn't...one of the things i believe was..and still do...is
that...forgiveness is something which is never too late to do..It just
is...as long as your still walking around on the face of the earth...as
long as you haven't close your eyes..as long as your not buried in the
ground...you have the chance to ask for forgiveness and also to forgive
others...
I have a way of sometimes being too straight up..too upfront...and also
sometimes too stubborn..too strong-willed...i have always believed...and
still do...that...if i am confident and strongly believe on doing or
saying something...that it would help a great deal in a situation or that
a simple truth is to be told...that the person have to know this...be it
a feeling, a piece of emotion, details of an event or just a simple
perspective...i have to let it known...i find all ways and means to try
to let the person know...coz...i worry...if i dun get to let the truth be
known to him or her in time...it'll all be too late....everybody will
leave this place one day...and who wants to be THAT late....?
Don't tell me things that will leave me in a state of confusion...don't
manipulate me into doing things just so u thot u cud get what you want in
doing so...Don't plan anything with me if u know for sure ur fickle...
I'm just gonna make my point here...if i could say something in reply to
what you are telling me...Here it is...Although, i will
never...ever...disclose anybody's names...Here are the truths from
me...sincerely from me...
A: You have been very sweet to me..thank you for the gestures...you are
unique...and i like that...u kinda remind me of someone from my past...in
a good way dat is...
A1: You say we should meet up? When is that gonna happen?
A2: Stop asking me for money...
A3: Why are you so silent these days?
A4: Why do you have to always think too much?
A5: You got me again...Keep asking me whether i like you...tell me things
like you like me and all that...and then telling me you're 'targeting
this girl from facebook and that girl from tagged' simply leave me
confused...if that's the way it is..i'll tell you this...i dun appreciate
you implying to me i'm just an option in ur dating-to-find-a-wife
mission...
A6: No matter what...i will always be here waiting for the day when we're
gonna speak to each other again...
A7: One day...when you decide to come home...i hope you still know where
to find me...
B: Things seem to be different now huh?
D: You will always be my inspiration, my idol...i love you no matter what
she says...
D1: I think you're a sweet fren though sometimes i can't stand you
whining...
D2: Don't try to step on my toes...it's been going on long enough...
F: Stop complaining about things so much
F1: Stop being pretentious....and don't ask me for my opinions or advice
if u dun wanna hear them...and dun do me favours and bring it up just to
prove a point...
H: I still think about you...
L: Why did you have to 'drop-out'...? Now there's no chance for us
happening...
L1: I'm sorry i have to leave the 'group'...she tried to change you to be
like her...it made me angry...but not anymore...thank you for the
birthday wish u made on my old number last yr..i dun use that number
anymore..u shudn't have disabled ur facebook...
M: I will always try to make you happy...Dat's my promise...i love you
even if you don't love me as much...
M1: I am very sorry...i shouldn't have overstayed the other day...i feel
bad till now...i wish i hadn't done dat...i wish i had just walked
home...even if it's gonna take me hrs...i love you babe...ur always there
for me...
N: Even when others say ur whiny and u complain a lot...i know where
you're coming from with all those...hang in there babe...don't let others
treat you like a doormat....Speak up...
N1: Don't always do things halfway...
R: Don't brag so much
S: I told you i love your smile...i told you i'm crushing on you...and
you...didn't care....
S1: You're always bubbly..i like that..
S2: You're always in my heart my princess...
S3: I'm sorry i wasn't at your wedding...
S4: You sure that's all you're doing...? i sense you're falling for her
man...Luckily you only say you're thinking a little bit about a
chance...i hope you don't tell me the full story...coz if it isn't true,
i will walk away...
T: Thanks for being a nice guy to me...on and off...
W: How long are you gonna keep this up? All the things you keep telling
me have always been moot or are those really from your heart...? you
always make me confuse...the things you say to me...the things you do to
me..how to understand you if you are always ever-changing your ways...?
btw...i still love your eyes...in fact, i miss them
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have my fair share of being misunderstood...Just know this...i mean it
when i say i am sincere...i mean it when i say i am loyal...i mean it
when i say i don't walk out on others...most times...they walk out on
me...well...with that being said...i know this post is rather scattered
and messy...i was brainstorming...i have to pour out the thots in my mind
rite now...my headache is getting worse..dunno if sleeping it off will
work..hope it does...gdnite....
P.S: I am sooooo dreading my appointment later today...
~Shahida~