Date & Time: 3rd June 2011, Friday, 9.56pm
Location: SMU Big Steps
Mood: Sane
Song Playing: Madina Lake - Through The Pain
Sitting here eating sausage balls...watching cars passing by in front of the Singapore Art Museum....went for my treatment earlier...feel relaxed now...its Friday and i'm in town alone...it doesnt feel so bad afterall...quite calming actually...maybe i shud do dis often yea....tmr isnt a working day..so i dun have to worry abt getting hm so early tonite...just chillout and enjoy my time alone...the sounds from the water fountain feels soothing enuf...shud be gd for my relaxing mind...enjoying every minute of this...
I wonder wat everybody else is doing...probably out partying..out with their partners...out for dinner...out for a movie date...missing the feeling wen i used to have too many frens that i almost didnt have time to be sitting here alone and enjoying this peaceful scene...it seems like yesterday was just a dream...those days are over..they're just memories...buried but nvr forgotten...the ppl i used to walk with...those who have made me..and those who have destroyed me...wat are they doing now? Some probably living the life they dream of...some probably still struggle like how i am nw...well watever it is...we are who we are...we are responsible for our own actions...
Moving on..dun wanna be getting myself too carried away reminiscing abt old atories nw... Tmr afternoon i'm planning to get my kite out again..lets make it fly high shall we..hope the weather wud be on our side tmr..:D
~shahida~
Friday, June 3, 2011
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Witnessing pointless stuff
Date &Time: 18th May 2011 11.53pm Wednesday
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Neutral
Song Playing: Haste the Day - Porcelain
Here is something i hadnt done for quite some time now....have started to frequently write in my journal lately i totally forgot abt my blog....Typed out the name of my blog on google and i found this song i hadnt been listening to for so long...Anyways....i dunno y i'm here...just need to pass time i guess...
Have been lazing around in my room when it occurred to me to visit my blog...Reading my past entries...made me realise that i've been wasting too much time thinking about pointless stuff...
I need to change all these....So...all these pointless stuff will be thrown away...
I'm taking a step back...from all the madness...i think i've done quite enuf for now...i'm just gonna sit here and take a breather....
Just a note for some...if u dunno me...dun pretend u do...
~Shahida~
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Neutral
Song Playing: Haste the Day - Porcelain
Here is something i hadnt done for quite some time now....have started to frequently write in my journal lately i totally forgot abt my blog....Typed out the name of my blog on google and i found this song i hadnt been listening to for so long...Anyways....i dunno y i'm here...just need to pass time i guess...
Have been lazing around in my room when it occurred to me to visit my blog...Reading my past entries...made me realise that i've been wasting too much time thinking about pointless stuff...
I need to change all these....So...all these pointless stuff will be thrown away...
I'm taking a step back...from all the madness...i think i've done quite enuf for now...i'm just gonna sit here and take a breather....
Just a note for some...if u dunno me...dun pretend u do...
~Shahida~
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Witnessing broken pieces
Date & Time: 10th April 2011 (Sunday) 3.08am
Location: My Secret Place
Mood: In Pieces
Song Playing: The Script - For the First Time
Sitting alone here....as usual this place is quiet and lonely....only the moon and the stars to keep me company....for all the memories held in this beautiful, peaceful place....gave me a nostalgic feeling....shadows from the past...tried to haunt me....making me feel gloomier than i oreadi am....
My heart didnt stop breaking....from earlier on...till this moment....yeap...its broken again...when at the beginning of the year...i promised my heart that i will be extra careful with it....now...its broken again...i shudn't have mended it and give it to someone who didnt bother in the 1st place....now dat all has been done....only left me feeling dumb and stupid...
What else is there...? Only silence...only me...alone....unaccepted in every way possible...shud have known...all the care, the words, the touch, the feel...were illusions...if rite now i were to show u my scarred heart....i know u won't take a glimpse of it.....
i admit...on the earlier part of the story....i didnt want to breathe u in....i was scared...my greatest fear after walking the earth for 28 yrs...was love....after which....slowly....i saw...u showed so many things dat made me wanna take the hand u offered with the most sincere trust i had in u.....finally...i feel...accepted....my heart shouts "He wants to walk with me....! Someone is here to shine a ray of light in my path of life.....! This is it...! Thank u God...!"
Now....i'm standing on the same path....but with darkness surrounding me instead of the ray of light....trying to make my way back home....more like dragging my feet than really walking....trying my best to hold up my head....but all i cud do is look at the ground....eyes filled with tears....and after a while....can't even see the ground i'm dragging my feet on.....
For the many times this happens.....the hurt and pain i feel becomes greater than the one b4....i'm only waiting for it to make me go insanely crazy....No words cud express it all....only sounds...the sound of my heart crying...."Please stop..! Please dun make me feel this again...! Its gonna break me....!"
Helplessly....i say...too late....i'm sorry...i only have myself to blame for this....i shud have known i'm never good enough for anyone....i'm sorry i put u out there as the sacrifice....i promise i'll put u back together nicely someday...when i'm ready...
Location: My Secret Place
Mood: In Pieces
Song Playing: The Script - For the First Time
Sitting alone here....as usual this place is quiet and lonely....only the moon and the stars to keep me company....for all the memories held in this beautiful, peaceful place....gave me a nostalgic feeling....shadows from the past...tried to haunt me....making me feel gloomier than i oreadi am....
My heart didnt stop breaking....from earlier on...till this moment....yeap...its broken again...when at the beginning of the year...i promised my heart that i will be extra careful with it....now...its broken again...i shudn't have mended it and give it to someone who didnt bother in the 1st place....now dat all has been done....only left me feeling dumb and stupid...
What else is there...? Only silence...only me...alone....unaccepted in every way possible...shud have known...all the care, the words, the touch, the feel...were illusions...if rite now i were to show u my scarred heart....i know u won't take a glimpse of it.....
i admit...on the earlier part of the story....i didnt want to breathe u in....i was scared...my greatest fear after walking the earth for 28 yrs...was love....after which....slowly....i saw...u showed so many things dat made me wanna take the hand u offered with the most sincere trust i had in u.....finally...i feel...accepted....my heart shouts "He wants to walk with me....! Someone is here to shine a ray of light in my path of life.....! This is it...! Thank u God...!"
Now....i'm standing on the same path....but with darkness surrounding me instead of the ray of light....trying to make my way back home....more like dragging my feet than really walking....trying my best to hold up my head....but all i cud do is look at the ground....eyes filled with tears....and after a while....can't even see the ground i'm dragging my feet on.....
For the many times this happens.....the hurt and pain i feel becomes greater than the one b4....i'm only waiting for it to make me go insanely crazy....No words cud express it all....only sounds...the sound of my heart crying...."Please stop..! Please dun make me feel this again...! Its gonna break me....!"
Helplessly....i say...too late....i'm sorry...i only have myself to blame for this....i shud have known i'm never good enough for anyone....i'm sorry i put u out there as the sacrifice....i promise i'll put u back together nicely someday...when i'm ready...
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Witnessing unappreciated
Date & Time: 23rd March 2011, 2am Wednesday
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Disappointed
Song Playing : Dashboard Confessional - Again i Go Unnoticed
The room feels empty again....Only the sound of the songs playing on my playlist...The nights...feel so long....nothing really fills me anymore....They say love is about giving....doesnt matter what kind of love we're talking about here....giving out so much aren't enough....so wat's enough then? and i'm not even talking about this materialistically or moneywise...What i'm talking about is what anyone cant buy, cant gauge its value with any form of matter.....I guess nowadays none are concerned with all dat...
I dun need things, materials or even sweet words....to me...all that has no value....if the most valuable things in life is not present...Things and materials will break and spoil one day....sweet words are just sweet words.....meaningless....to me....talk is cheap....i dun want all that....i just dun want...sweet words make me sick....sick....sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk................
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Disappointed
Song Playing : Dashboard Confessional - Again i Go Unnoticed
The room feels empty again....Only the sound of the songs playing on my playlist...The nights...feel so long....nothing really fills me anymore....They say love is about giving....doesnt matter what kind of love we're talking about here....giving out so much aren't enough....so wat's enough then? and i'm not even talking about this materialistically or moneywise...What i'm talking about is what anyone cant buy, cant gauge its value with any form of matter.....I guess nowadays none are concerned with all dat...
I dun need things, materials or even sweet words....to me...all that has no value....if the most valuable things in life is not present...Things and materials will break and spoil one day....sweet words are just sweet words.....meaningless....to me....talk is cheap....i dun want all that....i just dun want...sweet words make me sick....sick....sickkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk................
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Witnessing those i used to know...
Date & Time: 7th March 2011, Monday, 2.05am
Location: My messy room
Mood: Weird
Song Playing: Fishtank - What About You??
It's Monday....gosh...i can't get myself to sleep...kicking myself now for sleeping late on saturday nite and waking up late on sunday....wth....anyways....i've been at hm my whole sunday....resting, watching myself on TV, chatting, browsing thru ppl's profiles on FB and cleaning my room...Clearing up stuff in my room was like neverending and even now....there's still so many things to clear out....found a lot of weird stuff...old stuff...stupid stuff...stuff i've nvr used and stuff dat just need to be thrown away....some of the stuff got me thinking abt the ppl i used to know...or rather guys i used to know, dated some, been with....blah blah....
Let me tell you what i think...i think the reasons why almost all of them are now no longer here other than the reason 'everyone come and go' are coz we dun click....of course....i know myself....i have a weird way of thinking....dat only certain ppl cud understand....but then again...nobody can truly understand one another...but to some point, we all just do.....anyways....let me lay out some typical guys i get so irked out with....
The liars and the betrayers....the most critical....i bet dis dun just happen to guys...girls too...individuals i wud say....wen ppl lie or betray.....the sense of trust is perished...why all the drama? such a waste of time...seriously...all the lies and betrayal are so unnecessary....when we're honest with each other on most things....we all cud be happier...letting the trust build strong and firm....nobody gets hurt...we can actually help each other out in some ways....and it can also act as something dat cud let the love grow stronger....if it applies in relationships....it means...u cud both count on each other on a lot of things...coz both cud trust each other strongly....
The self-absorbed....everything is about them...selfish and self-centred....isn't this whole thing is about the BOTH of us...?? how come all i hear is 'me, i'....*shuts the mouth*....hey hey....u talk about urself too much....where the hell am i? of course it works both ways....if all the time ur the one talking....i think the other person's ear wud fall off after some time...why can't do things together...? talking takes both to play the two roles....the speaker and the listener...if ur only thinking abt yourself...why dun u go date, get into a relationship and get married to urself?
The materialist....i bet dis one happens to most of us.....guys AND girls....ever happen to you? let's see...the scene wud be....the easiest example....transportation.....girls wud fall for guys with bikes or cars....coz dat wud mean they can get to be brought around places they wanna go....but guys....heyyyy...dun be surprised....there are guys who look at this as important....wth rite...i know...i've come across this....goodness....wats up with dat? i dunno how they wud think of girls having transportations...probably its cool to have a date or a gf who rides a bike or drives a car....i wud say....well....one day wen we die....all the materials we have in this world will not follow us to the grave.....and dat is a fact...
The weak and cowardly.....i dun mean to say this so dat the guys out there can act irritatingly macho and all...well...i wud give my opinion as this....for every individual....every individual has got their weaknesses and strengths....but to those who are always afraid of this and afraid of that...simply says they wud give up easily on things....wat if there are bigger problems to face....? are u gonna go hide somewhere? if we're talking abt a relationship....when two get together, they become stronger...but if one is always weak....the other one end up fighting the battle alone....and everything else will soon crumble coz the relationship can't be strong enuf to stand....
The fickles...like make up ur damn mind...its either u want this or not....no fifty2...no hanging by the thread shit...no trying...if u want ppl to treat u fair....treat urself and others fair too....stop and think.....in doing this something, wud it make u sad, uncomfortable, hurt or other unpleasant feelings...it wud also probably make the other person feel the same way.....again...it takes two....gotta think both ways man....
The shallow-face-value-high-standards....this one's funny to me....always get me so lazy to be saying this.....everybody's born beautiful....its all about where the beauty lies and where it comes from in each and every one of us.....find the beauty in everything in the world...look deeper if u still can't see any....dun be so shallow about it.....it's such a turn-off man....
Well...dat about wraps up everything i wanna say...and i'm getting sleepy...watever it is...dun just take my word for it....afterall...all of us are humans....the world wud be a dull place if everyone's the same....in regards to relationships....do watever works for both....
~Shahida~
Location: My messy room
Mood: Weird
Song Playing: Fishtank - What About You??
It's Monday....gosh...i can't get myself to sleep...kicking myself now for sleeping late on saturday nite and waking up late on sunday....wth....anyways....i've been at hm my whole sunday....resting, watching myself on TV, chatting, browsing thru ppl's profiles on FB and cleaning my room...Clearing up stuff in my room was like neverending and even now....there's still so many things to clear out....found a lot of weird stuff...old stuff...stupid stuff...stuff i've nvr used and stuff dat just need to be thrown away....some of the stuff got me thinking abt the ppl i used to know...or rather guys i used to know, dated some, been with....blah blah....
Let me tell you what i think...i think the reasons why almost all of them are now no longer here other than the reason 'everyone come and go' are coz we dun click....of course....i know myself....i have a weird way of thinking....dat only certain ppl cud understand....but then again...nobody can truly understand one another...but to some point, we all just do.....anyways....let me lay out some typical guys i get so irked out with....
The liars and the betrayers....the most critical....i bet dis dun just happen to guys...girls too...individuals i wud say....wen ppl lie or betray.....the sense of trust is perished...why all the drama? such a waste of time...seriously...all the lies and betrayal are so unnecessary....when we're honest with each other on most things....we all cud be happier...letting the trust build strong and firm....nobody gets hurt...we can actually help each other out in some ways....and it can also act as something dat cud let the love grow stronger....if it applies in relationships....it means...u cud both count on each other on a lot of things...coz both cud trust each other strongly....
The self-absorbed....everything is about them...selfish and self-centred....isn't this whole thing is about the BOTH of us...?? how come all i hear is 'me, i'....*shuts the mouth*....hey hey....u talk about urself too much....where the hell am i? of course it works both ways....if all the time ur the one talking....i think the other person's ear wud fall off after some time...why can't do things together...? talking takes both to play the two roles....the speaker and the listener...if ur only thinking abt yourself...why dun u go date, get into a relationship and get married to urself?
The materialist....i bet dis one happens to most of us.....guys AND girls....ever happen to you? let's see...the scene wud be....the easiest example....transportation.....girls wud fall for guys with bikes or cars....coz dat wud mean they can get to be brought around places they wanna go....but guys....heyyyy...dun be surprised....there are guys who look at this as important....wth rite...i know...i've come across this....goodness....wats up with dat? i dunno how they wud think of girls having transportations...probably its cool to have a date or a gf who rides a bike or drives a car....i wud say....well....one day wen we die....all the materials we have in this world will not follow us to the grave.....and dat is a fact...
The weak and cowardly.....i dun mean to say this so dat the guys out there can act irritatingly macho and all...well...i wud give my opinion as this....for every individual....every individual has got their weaknesses and strengths....but to those who are always afraid of this and afraid of that...simply says they wud give up easily on things....wat if there are bigger problems to face....? are u gonna go hide somewhere? if we're talking abt a relationship....when two get together, they become stronger...but if one is always weak....the other one end up fighting the battle alone....and everything else will soon crumble coz the relationship can't be strong enuf to stand....
The fickles...like make up ur damn mind...its either u want this or not....no fifty2...no hanging by the thread shit...no trying...if u want ppl to treat u fair....treat urself and others fair too....stop and think.....in doing this something, wud it make u sad, uncomfortable, hurt or other unpleasant feelings...it wud also probably make the other person feel the same way.....again...it takes two....gotta think both ways man....
The shallow-face-value-high-standards....this one's funny to me....always get me so lazy to be saying this.....everybody's born beautiful....its all about where the beauty lies and where it comes from in each and every one of us.....find the beauty in everything in the world...look deeper if u still can't see any....dun be so shallow about it.....it's such a turn-off man....
Well...dat about wraps up everything i wanna say...and i'm getting sleepy...watever it is...dun just take my word for it....afterall...all of us are humans....the world wud be a dull place if everyone's the same....in regards to relationships....do watever works for both....
~Shahida~
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Witnessing Silence
Date & Time: 2nd March 2011, 1.32am Wednesday
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Empty
Song Playing: You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds - Mayday Parade
Deafening silence...Lack of enthusiasm...it is something i fear very much...so great i cud feel its not only piercing to my ears....but very much to my heart....i'm weakening...i am very close to just throwing my hands up in the air and scream "i give up...!"
Leave me in silence...if dat is gonna make everyone else laugh till they cry....all i needed....is.......................................................................answer that for me if u will...coz i dunno anymore wat i need....i only feel emptiness and silence surrounding me...
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Empty
Song Playing: You Be The Anchor That Keeps My Feet On The Ground, I'll Be The Wings That Keep Your Heart In The Clouds - Mayday Parade
Deafening silence...Lack of enthusiasm...it is something i fear very much...so great i cud feel its not only piercing to my ears....but very much to my heart....i'm weakening...i am very close to just throwing my hands up in the air and scream "i give up...!"
Leave me in silence...if dat is gonna make everyone else laugh till they cry....all i needed....is.......................................................................answer that for me if u will...coz i dunno anymore wat i need....i only feel emptiness and silence surrounding me...
Friday, February 18, 2011
Witnessing my stand
Date & Time: 19th February 2011, Saturday, 1.58am
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Confused
Song Playing : The Ataris - I Remember You
This life feels like its swinging back and forth without progression. Like a pendulum...Tied to a string...not moving...stuck...held by a thread...
Looking towards where i think i should get myself to. Questions run in my mind like a ratrace...Scattered...uneven...Walking back, i tried to trace my footsteps...Somehow only the recent footprints still visible...Only there for a fleeting moment...waiting to be erased...
In this life we have, what are we searching for? Like...exactly...what...are...we...searching for? I too won't know the answer...So is everybody else...Some would say, they're searching for what they need...But...what next? If i may answer that question with my own piece of mind...I would say,i'm searching for my place...Where is my place here? Where do i stand...? Where do i belong?
Location: My Lonely Room
Mood: Confused
Song Playing : The Ataris - I Remember You
This life feels like its swinging back and forth without progression. Like a pendulum...Tied to a string...not moving...stuck...held by a thread...
Looking towards where i think i should get myself to. Questions run in my mind like a ratrace...Scattered...uneven...Walking back, i tried to trace my footsteps...Somehow only the recent footprints still visible...Only there for a fleeting moment...waiting to be erased...
In this life we have, what are we searching for? Like...exactly...what...are...we...searching for? I too won't know the answer...So is everybody else...Some would say, they're searching for what they need...But...what next? If i may answer that question with my own piece of mind...I would say,i'm searching for my place...Where is my place here? Where do i stand...? Where do i belong?
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